By Merton Sussex, Chief Expectorating Officer
Good grief. What's HAPPENED to this place since I've been on my little vacation as a tax exile, running like a little girl from the IRS? Um...Apparently, it's been business as usual. Blaine, Reno and my other trusty cohorts have been making with the funny anyway, like I never even needed to make myself scarce. It's comforting and disheartening at the same time. But: Onward! There's no time to lose like the present!
This Week's deserving contenders:
Amy Winehouse
Do you have ANY idea how long it took me to find a picture of this smack-addled bag of putrid snatch that didn't make me want to chuck my biscuits all over my nice new spats? As such, I can guarantee that picture wasn't taken any time recently.
Amy Winehouse is the perpetrator of countless crimes, both legitimate, and against humanity. She's ingested such a ridiculous volume of controlled substances that Keith Richards is having a hard time scoring. She sells out concert halls, then has to cancel to go to the hospital for "exhaustion" or "dehydration", and then never refunds or reschedules. And when she does turn up, her performances are so ludicrously substandard as to make the average concert-goer long for the polished live-gig work ethic of, say, Oasis. She sings about refusing to go to rehab, yet has made the trip at least three times to no avail. However, perhaps her greatest crime is one that even skin-bag wasteoids like Britney Spears or Hannah McCyrus will NEVER have to worry about:
She has squandered her talent.
The saddest part about Amy Winehouse's extremely public downward spiral is that she's actually got talent. Buckets of it. On her records, her music is soulful, well-written, and a note-perfect throwback to some of the best mid-60's girl-group soul/pop Motown or Stax/Volt ever put out. It evokes a bygone era without once feeling false, contrived, or gimmicky, and yet it still manages to feel fresh. The two records she's put out are pretty damned fantastic.
But she doesn't care. She seems to have no desire whatsoever to maintain any sort of ties to music these days. She's too busy snorting, smoking, shooting, or cramming up her ass any substance on the planet that she's heard might remotely pass on a buzz of any kind. In the last year, videos or pictures have surfaced that show her injecting heroin, smoking crack, yanking vials of coke out of her hair and sniffing them WHILE ONSTAGE, and countless alcohol-fueled public embarrassments. I'm guessing the only reason that the British tabloids haven't got pictures of her down by the creek licking bull toads is that Bufo Alvaris isn't indigenous to the United Kingdom. These days, between making goo-goo eyes at her husband through the bars of his cell, and showing up outside with more skin lesions than a leper, she's FAR more famous for being a train wreck than she is for her music.
However, it's not really as though any of this is news. Amy's up for a crotch-sock this week specifically because of a pretty weak-sauce one-two punch. First, there was her sorry, sorry "performance" at Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday party last week:
If you can get through more than 12 bars of that, you're doing better than me.
In stumbling out there and sucking up a storm like that, she became the picture of disrespect. Disrespect for Mandela, for her audience, for her fans, for the band and backup singers who learned her song perfectly so that she could head out and fuck it up in front of them...But most of all, disrespect for herself and her legacy. She's got legions of fans - even in the social culture of 2008, where downloading is the norm rather than the exception - she's managed to sell enough records to amass an estimated $20 million dollar fortune. And instead of respecting that, her selfish, bony, scabbed-up, eyeliner and AquaNet-caked ass can only think about where her next high is coming from. Not making more good records, honoring world leaders, or delivering competent performances...Just the drugs. She even got pulled off of doing the theme song for the next James Bond flick (and how perfect would THAT have been?) because she can't stay off of the junk for more than eleven fucking seconds. In her place, rumor is that we'll be getting some flesh-puppet from Great Britain's version of "American Idol." Oh, great. So, instead of getting a nostalgic Bond theme from a smoky-throated, soulful chanteuse who could give Shirley Bassey a run for her money on a good day, we get stuck with some English reality show pop-tart who can't carry a tune in a bucket without Pro Tools and a team of producers. That's SO much better.
The other Winehouse roundhouse of the aforementioned one-two was literally just that. An actual punch.
Amy Winehouse "punches" fan at Glastonbury Festival
Gee, I'm sure your fans aren't turned off enough by the shoddy stage antics, the substance abuse and the cancellations. Maybe if you start singling them out and taking swings at them individually, you can manage to alienate the few remaining faithful who still hold out hope you WON'T pull a Joplin/Hendrix/Morrison/Cobain premature curtain call.
Wait...come to think of it, those four all legendarily made it at least to 27. Winehouse is 24. And if she makes it THAT far, I'll eat one of her scabs.
See ya, Amy. Good luck making it until Christmas.
Robert Mugabe
If you're going to fix ballots, intimidate the electorate into voting for you by force, corrupt your country's governing body, torture and kill your opponents, and command a decades-long stranglehold on power...It MIGHT just make you look like less of a despot on the global scale if you...oh, I'm just stabbing in the dark, here...SHAVE OFF YOUR TWEE LITTLE HITLER MOUSTACHE.
Just in case nobody's been paying attention to the state of sub-Saharan politics...
Robert Mugabe is the President of Zimbabwe, and has been since 1987, when he succeeded the former President, the hilariously-named Canaan Banana. And no, I'm not making that up. I'm also not making up the fact that President Banana was later convicted of the charge of Sodomy and sent to prison. Feel free to take as long as you need to stop laughing at that.
During the Banana Administration (ha-ha!), Mugabe served as Prime Minister. He had risen to power in the early 70's much the same way John McCain has lately: By trading on sympathy stemming from the fact that he was a political prisoner during the 60's. The largest difference between Mugabe and McCain SO far is the fact that McCain hasn't taken the same drastic steps to ensure victory in HIS contentious election; namely: Using a loyal, unregulated militia to off his opponent. I mean, so far, he hasn't. November is still a long way away.
But that's what Mugabe did. Allegedly, of course...Because, as always, history is written by the winners, and Mugabe has been consistently winning election after election since the mid-80's. Sure, he's left a trail of dead opponents in his wake, had government-sponsored death squads rustle up the homeless and starving to vote for him at gunpoint, and even outright canceled an election or two due to mitigating factors, but hey. Votes are votes, right? Will of the people and all that!
"But hey," I'm sure the idealist in you is thinking. "Maybe, regardless of where he GOT his power, he's using it for the greater good...Helping his countrymen, and reinvesting in the future." Ho, ho, Devil's Advocate! Absolute power corrupts absolutely, lest we forget. So far, Mugabe's track record has included highlights like:
1) Policies of intimidation and imperialism that have sullied his country's global reputation
2) Expropriation of countless privately-owned farms in the wake of natural disasters that displaced thousands
3) Driven up inflation by ordering the printing of millions and millions of Zimbabwean Dollars
4) Harassing and intimidating political opponents, especially party members of the Movement for Democratic Change
5) Involving his country in the extremely costly and unpopular Second Congo War
5) Standing idly by while food and oil costs spiraled out of control
So, in short, Zimbabwe has an unpopular president who bucks world opinion, lets the economy go to shit, steals elections by simply invalidating the results, doesn't care about disaster areas where countless people were left homeless, uses the politics of fear against Democrats, lets his country get bogged down in an endless, expensive war, and plus his thumb firmly up his ass while food and energy costs explode.
Hm. Does he remind you of anyone in particular?
Imagine three decades of Bush, but with no term limits, a penchant for having his challengers killed, and death squads roaming the countryside shooting whoever they want, and you might have some idea.
So, Mugabe's pretty much been a grade-A piece of shit on the world political landscape for well over three decades. So, why nominate him for a jab in the cherries now?
Zimbabwe recently had their latest "election." Mugabe's Democratic opponent, Morgan Tsvangirai, actually managed to live through it...which is a feat in and of itself. And he was doing pretty well for awhile, too. By all accounts, his party won a majority of the seats in Parliament back in April, setting the stage for an upset in the Presidential election come summer. How did Mugabe react? By arresting the foreign journalists covering the election, including a New York Times reporter, within 24 hours of the poll reporting. Guess once the official results leave your borders, the rest of the world kind of expects you to adhere to 'em, eh, Bobby?
Then, as the Presidential voting approached, violence and intimidation continued. But even so, Tsvangirai managed to win at least 48% of the vote (some reports having his numbers as high as over 50%), while Mugabe's campaign only got just over 42%. Too close to call, right? Well, not really. I'd say that's pretty decisive. But, I'm not a politician from Africa. So, because an 8+ points plurality is "too close to call" using their version of math, the two parties agreed to a runoff. Which did nothing but give Mugabe just enough time to decimate Tsvangirai's chances by stepping up the violence against his campaign personnel. The upshot is that, with his whole staff dropping like flies around his shoulders, Tsvangirai dropped out before the second round of voting, saying the violence just wasn't worth sticking around.
So, the unpopular president stole another election, despite getting beaten in the popular vote by his opponent. Thank GOODNESS that could never happen here, right? Right.
Robert Mugabe was sworn in to his SIXTH term as President yesterday. And still, nobody has the balls to tell him that a "toothbrush moustache" is called that because it's meant to look like a HORIZONTAL toothbrush.
William Jefferson Clinton
Look, Mr. President. I like you. I really, really do. I still honor the fact that you presided over the longest sustained period of peace and prosperity in this country's history. I am appreciative that your foreign policy was based on diplomacy, and not bellicose cowboy imperialism. I truly believe you had this country's best interests at heart when you were in the oval office. Even while under constant frivolous investigation, scrutiny and impeachment proceedings, you kept us moving in the right direction. And anyone who can't admit that they were better of while you were in office is probably on the payroll at Fox News. But for the love of George Carlin and all that is good and sacred, PLEASE just SHUT THE FUCK UP.
You and the missus really thought you had this thing all wrapped up, I get it. You did what you'd always done: Shook the right hands, hired the right people, worked the shrimp-cocktail circuit for your fund-raising, focused on the Super Tuesday primaries. You followed the conventional business model; the one that had always worked before. You figured you'd both done what you needed to do to cement your ongoing dynasty, ensuring that there wouldn't be an American under forty who had ever seen a November ballot without a Clinton or Bush on it. You did what you were supposed to. You just didn't count on that charismatic upstart from Illinois coming along and re-writing the rulebook under your noses.
But tarnishing your legacy out of bitterness that your wife lost isn't just unbecoming. It's unlike you. It's totally out-of-character. It's not in keeping with the image of the cordial, avuncular, jovial Slick Willie to grouse and bitch and bellyache over Obama getting the nomination. We KNOW you think its not fair, and we KNOW you're upset. But one of the hallmarks of your presidency was that nothing ever seemed to bog you down for long. But this? This ongoing stubborn refusal to simply suck it up and move on? You're not just embarrassing yourself...You're starting to justify your detractors' criticisms.
Whether calling Obama's campaign a "fairy tale", or comparing him to Jesse Jackson, or even out-and-out suggesting that your wife's supporters were too racist to support any candidate darker than their Khaki Dockers, you drove wedge after wedge into your party's unity. As literally an elder statesman of the party, you used your powers to divide and criticize rather than to unify and inspire.
But even THAT was somewhat excusable in light of the fact that your wife was in competition with this guy. I get your reasoning. She did her Tammy Wynette routine with Whitewater, Gennifer Flowers, Ken Starr, Paula Jones, What 'is' is, and Monica Lewinsky, and you saw an opportunity to pay back that devotion. You just chose to do it in a manner that was questionable.
But now primary season is over. Your girl didn't rein it in. And I know it's hard on you both. But she put on her big-girl panties, sucked it up, and went back to work. Hell, she's even campaigning with the guy. Appearing at functions together. Publicly supporting him, and the party.
And what are you doing? Clamming up. Shutting down. No endorsement. Every prominent, household-name member of the Democratic party has thrown their support behind the kid except you. Al Gore. Ted Kennedy. Bill Richardson. Howard Dean. Joe Biden. Some of them were even his opponents, and yet...They're all on board. For the sake of party unity, putting their differences aside in favor of focusing on their similarities, and getting the party with their values elected to your old digs, they're all supporting him.
All of them, except for you.
You're being petulant, bitter, and childish, and it's making you look even worse than you looked during the primary season. Are you REALLY that caught up in your own bullshit that you can't turn your frown upside-down and do what's right for the good of everyone, just like you used to?
Apparently not: "Bill Clinton says, 'Obama must kiss my ass' for my support".
You son of a bitch.
The HUBRIS that takes is STAGGERING. First of all, he's GOING to win. Anyone who thinks we're going to elect a Republican after the last eight years of corruption, hypocrisy, apathy, cronyism, self-service, and short-sighted dirty politics is downright delusional. So, he doesn't NEED your support. You just think so much of yourself that you assume he does. He can, and will win without it.
Second, I'm thinking you'd better get your OWN lips ready. Because the longer you persist with this asinine arrogance, the more likely it is that your ass won't be the one getting kissed. Who the hell knows? President Obama may just see fit to toss you a cabinet position or an ambassadorship if you clean up your act. I mean, you ARE a lawyer. You could even make the Supreme Court if you shape up and ditch the attitude. You'd better believe your wife is going to get SOMETHING. You're still a young man; you still have a lot to give your party and your country. Fuck, look at Carter. McCain can call him a "lousy" President all he wants...But the fact remains that THAT motherfucker is out there building houses for the homeless with Habitat for Humanity, brokering international peace deals and, winning Nobel Peace Prizes and shit. What did any other ex-president of the last fifty years do except play golf and cut library ribbons?
Point is, you'd better straighten up and fly right while your word still means something. While an endorsement from you might still carry some weight. Because if you don't...It's going to be a mighty long, cold retirement. And it'll be along sooner than you think.
And the winner is:
Amy Fucking Winehouse.
Just look at her. I know, it hurts, but do it. So much skill, so little goddamned sense. She's pissed away her talent, her money, her physical being, her fans, her credibility, and any hope she has of a sustainable career. I'm genuinely going to be surprised if she sees the new year.
If you have the stomach to watch it, here's some footage of Wino punching that fan at the Glastonbury Festival:
I truly feel bad for her band.
If anyone wants to postulate the over/under on her upcoming demise for their celebrity death pools, the line starts in the comments thread.
P.S., On a personal note, it's nice to be back.
If you have the stomach to watch it, here's some footage of Wino punching that fan at the Glastonbury Festival:
I truly feel bad for her band.
If anyone wants to postulate the over/under on her upcoming demise for their celebrity death pools, the line starts in the comments thread.
P.S., On a personal note, it's nice to be back.
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