It seems like some people really are just
asking for it. And by "it," I'm of course referring to a righteously-deserved booty-violation from the universe as a whole. How else can we really explain the following specimens, who find themselves in a dead heat for recognition as the latest DoF Champion of Society?
First, we have a one James P. Miller, age 20, of Oxford, Ohio. It seems as though Mr. Miller thought it would be exceedingly amusing to carouse about this year's Halloween festivities ever-so-cleverly decked out as a Breathalyzer.
How very droll!
Y'know, there's a subtle detail in that photo that bears pointing out. It's a little rumpled in that photo due to Mr. Miller resembling nothing so much as fifteen pounds' worth of excrement in a ten-pound bag when NOT wearing the costume, but the sharp-eyed observer will note that there is a protrusion in his general "groin" region. Within the context of the costume, this appendage is meant to represent the "straw" attachment a possible intoxication suspect is asked to deliver their breath into when police use an ACTUAL Breathalyzer unit to assess said suspects blood-alcohol content, thereby determining their impairment level as it pertains to citing them for a public drunkenness or Driving While Intoxicated criminal charge. However, the juxtaposition of the straw's placement when worn as a full-size adult Halloween costume vs. where it exists on the equipment it represents is ALSO meant to subtly provide outside observers the suggestion of the external male genitalia, thereby delivering the punch of a naughtily suggestive visual double-entendre!
And just in case you weren't on board with the conceit, there is bold block print with an arrow pointing to the tube, instructing observers to "BLOW HERE." This is funny both because intoxication subjects blow their breath into the actual unit's receptor so it can get a reading, but also because the act of performing fellatio is often colloquially referred to as a "Blow Job" in the commonly-accepted vernacular of crude sexual slang.
For the non-English-majors: Har! It looks like a DICK and says "BLOW!" *(Crush beer can on forehead)*
In a rational universe, this quasi-"clever" costume would be enough to permanently enshrine this turbo-douche in our esteemed Rogues' Gallery. But, if we lived in a rational universe, this blog wouldn't even have to exist in the first place...so this assessment represents a null-set "moot" observation. What REALLY pushes Mr. Miller into the "irony" category is the fact that the above photo is actually a mug shot. You see, Mr. Miller was arrested on Halloween while wearing the costume. The charge(s)? Operating a vehicle while intoxicated, underage possession of alcohol, having an open container and a fake ID.
Ha! THERE'S the kicker!
Apparently, the schmuck was spotted driving the wrong way without headlights on a one-way street. So area police stopped him. And when they did, they found beer in his front seat and in the trunk. When tested for drunkenness, cops said Miller blew 0.158 percent on a Breathalyzer test,
nearly twice the legal limit for driving in Ohio (.08).
Chew on that for a second. Were you lucky enough to be passing by at that moment and witness the traffic stop, you'd have seen a dude dressed as a Breathalyzer...
blowing into an actual Breathalyzer. And not just blowing into a Breathalyzer, but FAILING THE TEST.
Good Christ. That's pretty much the irony equivalent of dividing by zero. It's so self-referentially META that anyone who saw it might just vanish completely. The only way that could be richer with context is if he had been with a girl dressed like a "Sexy Cop," who was being patted down by an ACTUAL female police officer at the same time.
"You heard me. Spread 'em." However, the chubby douche up there is just wearing a costume. He can take it off come All Saints' Day, and more or less return to his regular life. Not so with this next loser.
Let's all say hello to Zack:
"Hi, Zack."
Zack, here, is a grade-"A" idiot. He was pulled over in Northwestern Indiana based on a call to police that he was "driving erratically." That's dumb enough. But when the police pulled him over, he pulled an even bigger moron card out of the deck, proclaiming to the arresting officer, "Dude, I do this every night! I'm straight up not drunk!" Not only is admitting to a cop that you drive in an almost constant state of alcohol-marinated impairment up there with sawing off your own genitals with a rusty steak knife on the "Weapons-Grade Stupid" meter, but EVERYONE knows cops
hate being called "dude."
Ergo, he was arrested, and charged with a DUI. Of course that's not why this is ironic. No, it's ironic, because even though driving drunk is a dick maneuver, one could ALMOST make the argument that, at least for Zack, it's a birthright. You see, Zack's full name is
Zachary R. Duis. That's right. Zachary. R. DUIs. The guy who told cops he drives drunk every night, is named
Zack DUIs.Now, if only HE had been the one wearing the Breathalyzer costume, we -
No. No...it's just too much to contemplate.
As a side note, check out the following exchange among my Fellow DoF'ers when discussing this story:
Moses Rodcancer: Plus, Mr. John PossessionofaSchedule1Narcotic of Racine, WI, will have some company on that particular wall of shame.Eugene Intrigue: What? Is he related to Shelly PossessionofaSchedule1Narcotic? We had a thing one summer. Blaine Fridley: Yeah, brother. She's remarried now and goes by "Shelly PossessionofaSchedule1Narcotic-IndecentExposure."And that, my friends, is what the kids call "Comedy Gold™"
Last and most assurely least, we have a cat named Adam. Adam was arrested Halloween night in Upper Moreland Township, Pennsylvania, and charged with smoking weed behind a bar. When cops searched him during the arrest, they also found a bag of cocaine. Whoops. So, Adam was summarily charged with possession of a controlled substance, and hauled off to jail.
Although, to be fair, it's open to speculation whether or not the cops involved actually arrested him due to the charges, or because he'd be really, really easy to fucking book once they got him back to the station. The reason I wonder this? Well, peep Adam's mugshot:
Horizontal stripes: a "stocky" dude fashion DON'T.Yep. That's what he had on
when they arrested him. When you're a cop, and you see a dude engaging in ostensibly criminal activity, and he's already decked out in THAT getup? You're legally obligated to cast your eyes heavenward and mouth "Thank You" unto the firmament, even if you're an atheist.
However, if the COPS thought Ol' Adam came gift-wrapped? They have nothing on the guys in the holding cell. And I hope they booked his ass within earshot of said cell. Because then the assembled drunks, louts, petty thieves, miscreants and ne'er-do-wells inside would catch Adam's FULL name:
Adam Ballingall. And no...
I'm not making that up.Sometimes, Christmas comes a little early. Unfortunately for Adam, I hear most of the guys in the drunk tank DON'T.
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