Pseudo-Celebrity Halloween Costume Roundup 2.0

Merton Sussex, Competitive Eater

When I scribbled out last week's Celebrity Costume Roundup, I did so because it came to my attention that there had been a bumper crop of Hollywood douchebags who had half-assed it on my second-favorite holiday of the year (The first? I've always had a soft spot for Valentine's Day. Yeah, I know. Go fuck yourself).

But then a sharp-eyed, charming, witty and dashingly handsome reader (named...um..."Milton Sussman") sent me a link to another dump file of famous-person Halloween photos. And this batch proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that some people in the public eye may just have learned a lesson or three from all of the wardrobe departments they've been through in their careers.

So, without further ado, here are a few paparazzi snaps that have restored my faith in Tinsel-town's ability to not cock it up come October 31st.

1) Kate Beckinsale and Len Weisman


Kate Beckinsale may have made some questionable choices during her career, but dolling up as a ridiculously spot-on Adam Ant was not one of them. Anachronistic cell phone notwithstanding, Her attention to detail here is pretty remarkable. And her husband, screenwriter Len Weisman, is pulling off a Crow so sucessful he could've doubled for Brandon Lee during the last few scenes they shot after they shot HIM. Impressive.

Score: 9.5/10

2) Gwen Stefani


Gwen took her kids trick-or-treating in this admirably authentic Jessie the Yodeling Cowgirl ensemble. To be honest, it's a little TOO authentic, so I'm guessing she has a friend at Disney, which is sort of cheating. But hell...she's rich and famous and she lives in LA. I don't blame her for pulling a string or two if she's got 'em to pull. No matter what, nicely done. Even the laces on the hat are right.

Score: 9/10

3) Rupert Grint


Viddy this horrorshow chelloveck, O my droogies.

Of course, Roop made his bread playing the junior wizard Ron Weasley in the "Harry Potter" flicks, but this delightful getup proves he's got a lot more respect for history than most other young actors. From bowler to suspenders, cutter-cane to lashes, salty smirk to stompy boots o' doom, he's more or less flawless as Alex DeLarge. So much so that I'll bet he didn't get pestered for a single autograph all night. Nothing like sauntering up to the friendly ginger warlock only to find yourself on the receiving end of a bit of the old ultra-violence. Serves you right, thou globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip-oil.

Score: 10/10

4) Eliza Dushku and Rick Fox


I think everyone agrees that vampires have gotten seriously fucking played out the last couple of years. Even so, as much as I'm not a fan of Eliza Dushku, and as much as I never cared enough about the NBA to bother remembering wich team Rick Fox played for, they've nonetheless pulled off a big win here with the "Vampire Bonnie and Clyde" thing. Doubt it? Then just imagine how cool that last shootout would have been if, instead of dying from the reported 50 or more bullet wounds they each received after being ambushed by cops, they had instead risen up from their perforated jalopy, slowly smiled, and then descended upon the posse in order to brutally drain them of every drop of their lifeblood via a series of gapingly-gnawed neck wounds.

Yeah, I thought so.

Score: 8/10

5) Martha Stewart


All right, I'm gonna tip my hand a little bit here, and admit that I have zero clue what the fuck Martha's actually going for with this shaggy monstrosity. Best I can estimate, she's opted to dress as, "Greasy Hairball Retrieved from Clogged Shower Drain." And, as a home-improvement expert, she she has an edge...because she knows that this is precisely what that looks like. So, based on that, she makes the cut for "costume that works," because, um...yeah. I'm actually kind of scared, and more than a little grossed out. Which is kind of the hallmark of any successful Halloween costume, I suppose. Way to go.

Score: 7/10

6) AnnaLynne McCord


Another admission: I had to look up who this person is. Apparently, she's an actress, best "known" for a role on "Nip/Tuck," which I've heard is good, but that I've never seen. Whatever. Unimportant. What IS important is this sweet Black Canary ensemble she's sporting. Big ups for not just going the superhero route, but going for a reasonably OBSCURE superhero. And for more or less pulling it off.

Score: 8.5/10


7) Kellan Lutz


I guess I must be pretty out-of-touch, as this is the second person in a row I've had to Google in order to find out who the fuck they were, exactly. I guess this guy was in that "Twilight" movie, which I have not seen due to the fact that I am not a 13-year-old girl. Nevertheless, he gets a little applause for the Robin gear. But, it's only a little. Reason being - the shoes. Look closely. He's got bottomless rubbery fake-boot overlays that he's wearing over a pair of Chucks. Because, when you're sporting a more-or-less movie-accurate Robin suit, it makes sense to skimp on the footwear.

Score: 7/10

8) Debbie Gibson


Yowza. Remember Debbie Gibson? The '80's teen singer? Apparently, she's still around. And it looks like she's completely ditched the wholesome teenybopper image sometime between posing for "Playboy" and yesterday. Good for her. Better for us. Admittedly, I'm not into skinny chicks, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that this shot makes it move just a little.

Yup. I'd fork her.

Score: 9/10

9) Travis Barker


Here, the Blink-182 drummer takes his daughter to collect candy, and he does it dressed up as "Guy Who DIDN'T Die in a Plane Crash." Hell, his shirt even says "Land," which works as both an abstract verb, and as a literal reference to the good ol' terra firma. In fact, "Not Dead Plane Crash Guy" is pretty much a costume he can pull off with ease and style every year from now on. And anyone who gives him so much as a half-ounce of shit for it is automatically an asshole.

Rock on, dude.

Score: 10/10

10) Kim Kardashian


HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS.

Look...I'm usually the very first person to decry the fact that you evidently no longer actually have to be GOOD at anything to be "famous" these days. I'll always give a genuinely talented musician or actor more respect than some vacuous starlet. But when it comes to sex symbols, few rank on the same level with the exquisite specimen that is Ms. Kardashian. Kim's a bigger smokin' hot bombshell than whatever was left of "Fat Man" after it wiped Nagasaki off the map. She's the kind of gal people used to fight wars over in the middle ages. I don't care that she's well-known for nothing. I don't give a rat's posterior that she has no discernible "talent" (beyond what she displayed in her sex tape). When you're THAT traffic-stoppingly hot, it just completely fucking ceases to matter. I'm sorry...as superficial as I'm not, packing herself into what there is of this Princess Jasmine costume was an inspired move...Both due to the fact that she totally has the exotic look to pull it off, and because JESUS CHRIST SHE'S FUCKING RIDICULOUSLY HOT.

Here's another look. You're very welcome.


Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go smoke an entire pack of cigarettes in a cold shower while imagining Ernest Borgnine putting the wood to Margaret Thatcher. See you in a few hours.

Score: 35DD-26-40/10

Pseudo-Celebrity Halloween Costume Roundup

Ah, celebrities. They're just plain BETTER than us regular folk, aren't they? That's why asshole paparazzi follow them around 24/7. Because even if all they're doing is sucking down some overpriced sushi at some suck-up hipster joint that'll close within a month, it's just so much more glamorous than if WE were doing it. Because they're FAMOUS!

Unfortunately, part of the problem of these fame-whore fucks getting photo-stalked every moment they're awake is that we sometimes are forced to confront how lame they can be. And at no time of year is this more evident than at Halloween. See, celebrities don't get enough of dressing up and playing pretend at movie sets, concert halls and fucking Los Angeles in general, so they still go all-out on All-Hallow's. So I thought it would be fun to take a look at a few of them.

Let's, shall we?

1) Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon


Oh...kay. It seems as though Squeaky McCougarboobs and her Child Bride have decided to pay homage to our country's heroic firefighters. And, admittedly, Nick hasn't screwed it up THAT hard. If I saw him on the street, he might actually be able to pass for the real deal, if not for the fact that he's fucking twelve. But Mariah? Yeah, she blew it as hard as she blew Tommy Mottola at her recording contract negotiations. If you went to put down a four-alarm apartment fire in THAT getup, you'd start to think "Backdraft" was a documentary right around the same time the radiant heat from ten feet outside the front door started to melt your implants.

Score: 6/10

2) Jeremy Piven


Scuttlebutt around the Hollywood office water cooler is that Jeremy Piven doesn't just play a massive cock on television, but that his performances are reasonably convincing being as he draws on his experience as an actual real-life penis-munch. Must be a "method" thing.

Anyway, here he is dressed up as an offensive racial stereotype. Although, to be far, it's not like he really put all that much effort into it. A hastily-cut hole in the middle of your hallway rug does not a serape make, you rectum. But hey, at least you also didn't bother wearing a sombrero, so the Latino Anti-Defamation League won't have to bury you in an anthill right up to your receding hairline.

Score: 2/10.

3) Audrina Patridge


Here we have someone named "Audrina Patridge." To be honest, I have zero idea who in the hell she is. However, I'm assured she's quite famous, for some reason nobody can actually articulate. After looking at several other pictures of her on the "internet," it appears as though her "talent" consists of never looking directly into a camera lens while being photographed. I'm not really sure how marketable that is, but it must be worth something, or she wouldn't pop up everywhere like Herpes at a bath house.

Despite this, I include this picture mostly to demonstrate that whoever or whatever she is, she's a goddamned idiot. The reason I say that is that she's apparently dressed like a "peacock." Of course, as anyone with even an ASSOCIATE'S in Ornithology knows, "peacocks" are always male. Hell, even people with a passing interest in the Audubon guide understand that when it comes to most of our fine feathered friends, the male of the species usually sports the more impressive plumage as a secondary sex characteristic intended to help them attract a mate. Only peaCOCKS have that fanning, shimmery tail. Female peacocks are called "peahens," and they're actually mostly gray. So, if you wanna break it down, she's sort of a peacock...in drag...or something. I guess. I dunno. Whatever. I've already spent way too much time thinking about someone who I care less about than I do about whether or not the lint filter on my dryer vent needs cleaning.

Score: 5/10

4) Nadya "Octomom" Suleman


I am assured that this is real. And for once, I have absolutely nothing to say. So...I'm just gonna leave this right here.

Score: 0/10

5) Rob and Marisol Thomas


Here we have Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas, and his wife Marisol. Now, despite the fact that Rob Thomas is kind of a top-40 corporate wimp-rock whore, he's actually pulled out a win here, gearing up as a "Baseball Fury" from the 1979 gang-war cult flick "The Warriors." And I'll be damned if I'm not forced to admit that this is actually pretty cool. He even accessorized with a Louisville Slugger. Golf clap, dude.

Of course, as a team, there's a bit of fail happening here...Because if Rob was going as a Fury, then his wife should have opted for a compatible counterpoint. All it would've taken would be an arm-sling, pink camisole top, and tan trenchcoat, and boom: instant "Mercy." Even more fun would be a leather "Warriors" vest with no shirt on underneath (which would be pretty hot, but still offer decent lady-parts coverage) and some torn jeans. Hell, feather your hair, stick a switchblade into your belt and go as a "Lizzie," for Christ's sake. And that's just off the top of my head. Instead, she's just topped off what she would wear any other weekend with a cheesy wig, and fallen back on the generic "Sexy _________" 98% of women dress up as for Tricks and Treats. Boo. F-minus for effort.

Even so...You win THIS round, Thomas. I will not be shoving that bat up your ass and turning you into a popsicle THIS time. But I've got my eye on you.

Score: 6/10

6) Speidi


Oh, dear sweet n' crispy Jesus Q. Christ in a fucking chicken basket.

Yes, this is what it appears to be. This is the two most useless carbon-based lifeforms in the entire universe (Spencer and Heidi Pratt), dressed up as the SECOND most useless: Jon and Kate Gosselin. Yes, really.

Y'know, this post might just as well have gone up under the heading of "The Day I Lost Faith in Humanity." Because I firmly believe that you are looking at the absolute nadir of the whole of Western culture right...up...there. It's as if the entire douche-o-sphere finally divided by zero and started to eat itself all at once. In fact, the only thing that could actually complete the circle is if the Gosselins reunited for one evening, and went to a costume party dressed as Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar.

And that, my friends, would open the Seventh Seal.

Score: -47/10

Before they were famous...they were sort of embarrassing.

Hey, kids, have I got a treat for you today!

Well, no, actually. I haven't. But it's Tuesday, officially the lamest day of the week. So you'll take what you're fed, and you'll like it.

A lot of people assume celebrity types spring more or less fully-formed from the foreheads of the gods, or some shit. I don't blame them, considering the calculated, pre-packaged nature of most "famous" people these days. I mean, Christ...it used to be that in order to be a household name, you had to be GOOD at something. Now, just chasing a spotlight with the same brand of tireless tenacity a buck rabbit calls up when impregnating an entire hutch of rear-presenting bunnies is more than enough to qualify you to get around-the-clock stalked by TMZ, even if the worth you contribute to the culture can only be measured via the creative application of negative integers. Alternately, you can just crap out and/or adopt a metric assload of kids, and that'll usually also do the trick.

But I'm not here to grouse about how things used to be better. Such a position is as impossible to defend as it is easy to take up, being as every era has chaff, but the cream rises to the top in retrospect. No...I'm here to wave around some humiliating YouTube videos of a few currently-well-known people who have dark and sinister pasts, dating to the days of their pre-sellout periods.

To begin with, we have Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta. Not that she goes by that any more. No, these days she's better known as wearer of industrial scraps, ceaseless attention-whore, defender of Kanye, and possible hermaphrodite Lady GaGa. But in this video, shot in the misty, hardly-remembered year of 2006, she hadn't yet acquired her fake name, her fake hair, OR her fake celebrity. Check it:



Refreshing, no? I mean, she wasn't any good then, either. But at least then, we hadn't heard of her yet.

Next up is Katy Perry. Or, as she was known then, "Katy Hudson." And here's where I would usually snark it up, and say, "presumably, she changed it in order to not be confused with the other Kate Hudson, who has talent." But here's what sucks: she actually wasn't all that bad. That is, if you go for the sort of Lilith Fair grrrl-songwriter vibe. She wasn't a terrible singer, and while her guitar playing can hardly be described as virtuoso, she's more than competent...Especially when you consider that this video was shot when she was just 16.

Of course, the subject matter of her tunes leaves a little to be desired, being as she was famously a Christian artist in her former life. Still, I find it mighty ironic that with the Flock of Seagulls hairdo, minimal cosmetics, and cowboy shirt she's sportin' up there, she comes off as a lot more of a career muff-diver than now...When she's constantly singing a song about making out with other chicks.

Observe:



Continuing with the theme of irony, The last entrant in our little Laff-a-Lympics is a one Mr. Dan Whitney, a comedian who isn't really all that funny.

Witness this:



Dan was an aspiring comic at the time this video was shot, and though he was hardly what you'd call "funny," he was certainly funnier then than he is now. These days, most people (unfortunately) know him as "Larry the Cable Guy." Yep. Not that it should be a surprise, but "Larry" is no more a real person than Pee-Wee Herman. Though in each case, Dan and Paul Reubens almost never drop character, preferring to present their alter egos as their public personas 24/7. Well, not so much Pee-Wee these days, though, he IS currently staging something of a comeback.

Back then, because his regular act wasn't exactly burning up the clubs, Dan adopted the "Larry" character in order to spoof the particular sort of proud redneck ignorance that permeates sub-Mason-Dixon-line red states like the clap at an orgy. He figured he'd create a stereotypically loutish, loud, and aggressively stupid bumpkin character in order to stand as a walking, talking, belching parody of everything that's wrong with racism, inbreeding, and misdirected regional pride. So he reinvented himself as a drawling, whiskey-swilling, pickup-driving, cousin-humping, confederate-flag-waving über-moron who was too un-self-consciously DUMB to realize that Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might be a Redneck" routine wasn't a goddamned to-do list.

I uncategorically refuse to insert his catch-phrase here.
But something went horribly wrong somewhere along the way. See, the toothless, tarbacky-spittin', hayseed-chomping overall-hosts who Dan was viciously mocking turned out to be too empty-skulled to realize that they were cruelly being made fun of. And instead, they turned around and embraced his NASCAR / Jack Daniels / Skoal persona as one of their own, made good. Needless to say, Dan was a little taken aback. However, while he was too dumb to realize that people who still think Pro Wrestling is real are missing the handful of chromosomes that might otherwise permit them to recognize obvious mean-spirited satire, he was NOT too dumb to change gears, say, "yeah, that's what I meant all along," and milk the gravy train for all it was worth.

So, I leave it up to you. Were we better off then, living in a world where marginally-talented unknowns toiled in relative obscurity, waiting for their big break? Or are we better of now, when the SAME unknowns have abandoned any pretense of talent, instead re-inventing themselves into manufactured characters; avatars of plastic, pop-culture archetypes, only then attaining widespread recognition?

And perhaps more importantly...how long will it take Fox News to blame it all on Obama?

Zero Shame Lame Fame Games: Miley Cyrus

Okay, kids, it's audience participation time!

Step one: watch this video clip. I know, please do it anyway.



Step two: Please help me out, as I'm finding I need a little assistance from you in determining what's funniest about this.

Is it...:

A) ...Miley Cyrus finally coming clean on the fact that she's just a corporate skin-puppet whose whole manufactured "career" exists solely to move merchandise for Disney?

B) ...Reasonably-respectable journalist Matt Lauer's barely-concealed contempt at having to interview this vapid waft of bacon-and-Aqua-Net-scented air?

C) ...The fact that she admits the "song" she's about to "perform" is one she basically hates, and she's only treading water until she can actually do what she wants?

D) ...That she actually has the stones to compare herself favorably to Joan Jett and Janis Joplin with a straight face?

E) ...Lauer tricking her into admitting that she is basically a product, even though he knows full well that both she and the audience are far too stupid to give a shit?

F) ...Said stupid audience actually cheering when Cyrus calls them out for being idiots who waited hours in the rain to watch a plastic "artist" perform "music" so artificial that even she even she herself can't be bothered to care about it?

G) ...The insane underlying corporate machinations that must have taken place in order for Disney (who owns ABC) to basically air a commercial for itself during what's ostensibly an NBC news program (The Today Show), and getting NBC to agree to it?

Or, my personal vote:

H) ...The clearly-just-doing-it-for-the-paycheck bass player over her shoulder actively trying to hate her to death as she's forcing air out of her lungs and using it to make sounds with her mouth?

Post your vote in the comments. In doing so, don't hesitate to point out any additional subtle bits of subtext I may have failed to glean out of this absurd and tragic spectacle. Much like the Matrix Trilogy, it just gets worse the more you watch it.