From the Diary of (Kinda) Mad (Half) Black Man

As the second most influential biracial male in these United States I regret that I have allowed you all to go so long without telling you how you should feel about all things current and multiracial. So, without further ado… Actually there will be some “ado”. I think “ado” gets a bad rap. Every time it’s mentioned it’s always “without further ado” or “much ado about nothing”; he’s never quite given a fair shake. SO here you go “ado” – take a bow, this moment is yours.

The AABA – Otherwise known as the “All-American Basketball Alliance”, this is the fledgling basketball league currently being touted by one Don “Moose” Lewis. Given no more information than the name of the league (hint – “alliance”) and moniker it’s promoter, I’m sure you will not be hard-pressed to imagine why I feel the league should be more aptly named the Aggregate Aryan Basketball Alliance. This league’s goal is to put the fundamentals back in professional basketball and how else would they accomplish that than by the tried and true method of segregation. You read that right. Blacks and foreigners need not apply. There’s even talk of having a “SnowBall vs. Bro-Ball” game at the end of the season featuring players representing the respective sides of a black and white cookie. It’s a shame Adolph Rupp isn’t around to serve as honorary coach.

Seriously, give me a break dude. This is the most ridiculous sports concept I’ve seen in my short life and I’ve lived through SlamBall AND the XFL, not to mention the WNBA. The truth is that fundamental basketball is simply not the most entertaining sport in the world and without the athletic innovations that have taken it to its’ current success, professional basketball would not exist. And soon, neither will the AABA.

Chris Matthews – MSNBC pundit Chris Matthews recently made a rather remarkable comment following President Barack Obama’s State of the Union Address. Evidently caught up in a bout of Obama fever, Matthews confided that he was so moved by the speech he “forgot Obama was black for an hour.” Look, I’m not even (kinda) mad at the sentiment he expressed. But when he forgot he was black did he then remember he was white? Or did Obama cease to have color? If the feelings only lasted an hour are we sure he wasn’t just on shrooms? I hear those tend to bend perception of color and reality. And why is it that whenever a person of color can express themselves slightly more eloquently than Rosie Perez it suddenly becomes possible for them to be seen outside of the context of their ethnicity? I get what you were trying to say Mr. Matthews, but I don't get why you thought that was the best way to say it.

Well that’s it for now my little mestizos and mulattos. Enjoy Black History Month!

From the Diary of (Very) Mad (Half) Black Man: Fuck You Keith Bardwell

Yes, fuck you Keith Bardwell. You simple-minded, backwoods jackhole of a human being. For those unfamiliar with Mr. Bardwell, he is a Louisiana justice of the peace who lovingly performs wedding ceremonies for the couples of Tangipahoa Parish - unless they're interracial.

Bardwell asserts that he is not a racist, citing the "facts" that interracial marriages do not typically last and that the children of these unions are not accepted by society. Oh yea, he also has "piles and piles of black friends." Yea, I've never heard that one before.

But in truth, I must say I agree with Bardwell. Interracial marriages do not typically last long and their children do have difficulty being accepted by society. However, in the U.S. of A. of 2009 most marriages of any race or combination do not last long. I cite declining morals and the media's proliferation of unrealisitc expectations of the blessed sacrament, you blame skin color. Po-tey-toh, Po-tah-toh eh? And if we learned nothing else from the late John Hughes it's that all children are going to feel rejected by society. Rent the Breakfast Club, it's all right there with nary a mulatto in sight. If you need to borrow a VCR just let us know, we'll bring one right over.

So,Keith Bardwell,take your can of Spam, milk carton of corn liquor and your 50's era social opinions and get back in your trailer. And please do shut up, if only for the sake of the children.

From the Diary of a (Kinda) Mad (Half) Black Man: Chia Obama?!?!

Traditionally, April showers have been known to bring the same ole’ May flowers. But now, thanks to Joseph Enterprises, creators of the ever-popular and amusing ‘Chia’ line, April showers will now stimulate the growth of your very own presidential afro. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you – Chia Obama! Available in both “Determined” and “Happy” this botanic bust of the 44th President of U.S. of A. is available nationwide and can be found in between the terra cotta likenesses of such luminaries as Elmer Fudd and Kung-Fu Panda. Or perhaps he will be alongside Garfield, Shrek, and Bart Simpson. Maybe Scooby-Doo and Shrek? Starting to see a trend here? Not limited to cartoons, Chia creations also come in the form of animals, trees, even an alarm clock. At this point it hardly seems like an honor for our President to be chosen for a Chia portrayal. Actually starts to become a bit of an insult.

In fact, the only other human being who has ever been Chia-ized is the venerable Mr. T. No disrespect to Mr. Lawrence Tureaud, the man who introduced 'jibba-jabba' to American lexicon, but even he would admit he is hardly of the same distinction as President Obama. Factoring in his appearances in the first two Wrestlemanias, his 1-800-Collect commercials, and his most famous roles as B.A. Baracus and Clubber Lang, the guy was practically born for clay immortality. For Chrissake he was an actual cartoon at one point!

So why choose these two iconic figures above all others? I took the liberty of noting the similarities between the ‘T’ man and our fair President.

1. Some level of African descent.
2. Ability to grow an afro.

…

Not exactly the strictest of criteria, huh? Now I get that Obama is one of the most marketable beings on the planet right now. But I find it hard to believe that a Dubya Chia wouldn’t have sold just as well. Or Albert Einstein and Jerry Garcia for that matter. Maybe a fro of foliage just seems more amusing atop a re-creation of a Black likeness. I might just be missing the point, but I am not amused. And since Walgreen's has pulled Chia Obama from its shelves, I imagine I’m far from alone.

Cartoons, animals, and black people. Sounds like the cast of a 40’s era Warner Bros. cartoon. But this is 2009 and I expect more. Even from a Chia pet, dammit!