Diary of Fools: Champions of Society

A Merton Sussex, Barry Metropolis, Reno Gruber, and Blaine Fridley joint


Chances are you've heard the name "Ashley Todd" in the news in the last week. For the uninitiated, Ashley was a McCain/Palin '08 campaign worker. I say WAS because she's also the sack of shit who claimed that she was attacked by a 6'4" black man who supposedly robbed her, pinned her to the ground and scratched the letter "B" (apparently for "Barack") on her face. She said she felt it was a politically-inspired attack of violence, brought on by his having seen a "McCain '08" bumper sticker on her car.

Only problem is...It never happened. Which is why her contributions to the GOP race are spoken of only in the past tense these days.

From MSNBC:

"Ashley Todd, 20-year-old college student from Texas, admitted Friday that the story was false...Todd was charged with making a false report to police, and [a spokesman] said police doubted her story from the start."

Gee. THAT oughta help the campaign.

As with so many things, this incident sparked a round of e-mails around the venerable DoF HQ. It was begun by Reno, when he mailed a link to the above-quoted article to all of us. Why we bother e-mailing each other when we pretty much have all of our desks in a circle in an abandoned warehouse downtown and could just as easily speak, I've never completely understood. But in this case, it's a good thing. Because while usually we all post our own stuff, this particular round-robin spate of e-mails was a little too fun not to put up more or less verbatim. So, here it goes:

*****

Reno: Hey guys...Check this out:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27350530/

At least shes not a fat slob on top of it.

Merton: ...Or racist.

Y'know, what is it with incorporeal black guys? Honestly! Motherfuckers are always stirring up shit. They probably pull TWICE as much as they get blamed for. Someone ought to round these imaginary assholes up and put 'em in jail...At least until after the election. Otherwise they're liable to have all kinds of nonexistent riots if Obama loses.

White people suck sometimes.

Barry: "Todd told investigators that she suspected the man then noticed a John McCain sticker on her car, became angry and punched her in the back of the head, knocking her to the ground and telling her, 'you are going to be a Barack supporter,' police said in a statement."

This imaginary perp has the same MO as I do: I'll be right in the middle of a holdup and, BAM! Just like that, I get all political on my victims.

Merton: Hey, you! Gimme your wallet! NOW!

Wait, what is this...An ACLU membership card? A receipt for a pledge to NPR? Coupons for organic baby food? A spare key for your Prius?

All right. You're free to go. Sorry to have bothered you, sir.

Blaine: Nice. Hey, anybody wanna turn this back and forth into a post?

Just askin'.

(Five minutes pass.)

Blaine: Wow. I never knew there was tumbleweed in cyberspace, you lazy fucks.

Merton: It's not that nobody wants to DO it, boss. It's just that we're all hoping someone else will.

*****

There ya go. Consider yourselves sufficiently-informed as to the inner workings of the Diary offices. Hope that helps you sleep at night.

So, in the aftermath of this fiasco, just one in a series of seemingly hundreds of cinderblocks tied to the jaunty McCain/Palin '08 "Hot Air Express" campaign balloon (the basket of which McCain is still shoulder-height waving from even as the silk is on fire, the bottom is digging a trench, and there are no more spectators to see him), I'm left wondering what the cops' first clue was that Ashley Todd was more full of shit than a port-a-potty at Bonnaroo. Maybe it's the fact that the "B" on her face is backwards (as if she did it to herself in the mirror). Perhaps it's that she has a hinted-at history of mental illness. Or maybe, just maybe it's that she was so nutty that she was reportedly kicked off the Ron Paul campaign.

Whatever the impetus for her little false representation turns out to be, I'm not sure I care. Anyone that stupid, racist, and Republican can only serve as a bad example, anyway. However, if it turns out that her idiocy contributes in any small part to an Obama presidency, I'm buying her a fucking fruitbasket...Pun definitely intended. I'll send it to whatever sanitarium she winds up in.

Any ideas for what I should write on the card? Leave 'em in the comments.