New 9/11 Memorial Opens, CNN Poops on it

by Gloucester de la Vegas, Gifted/Talented Child, Arts/Culture Correspondent

We here at "Diary of Fools" like making fun of other people. Why wouldn't we? Sure, I eat paste and believe in the Tooth Fairy, but I still know they deserve it. Welcome to life, old people. It's half about sorrow and half about how dumb you are. I mean, not YOU, but those other people.

But if CNN is going to put up an article concerning a new memorial to those who died on September 11, 2001, in terrorist attacks...why would they make the headline "Pentagon 9/11 memorial honors victims in symbols, concrete"? And the lack of capitalization is theirs, not mine. And that's just the start of it. If you read this "article", you will learn exactly how NOT to write about sculpture, and how to make every possible mistake.

Here's just one key quote: "the wall is designed to remind visitors of the youngest and oldest victims, wrapping the memorial in symbolic imagery." Well, put simply, and I guess that's how you like it, CNN.com, -- an artistic memorial to a tragedy can't be, so to speak "wrapped in [its own] symbolic imagery". No artwork can, that doesn't make sense.

In about 13 years I hope I can get an internship at CNN.com so I can advise the staff of writers there how to write. I'm joking, of course, I'm sure by then they'll know how. But for fun, here's a sentence like the one referenced above. You know, just for practice: "The Popsicle, wrapped in its wrap that graphically suggested the brand 'Popsicle' and enclosed the frozen treat, was symbolic of an ice cream product." I smell Pulitzer.

Yes, that's what this whole Web "article" is like. And for the record, it's actually because I, Gloucester de la Vegas, actually do care about America and 9/11 and humanity, and stuff. So I just would like a major news source like CNN not to make a mess of it. I'm in 1st grade now, and I know that I have moronic peers who write like monkeys with a crayon. But at least they're not paid by CNN to do it.

Hey, personal note to Sarah Palin: I'll bet you could read this CNN article and not find anything wrong with it. Nothing personal, it's just a gut feeling. You seem like a nice mommy, and I'm in a position to know, uniquely. But if you think I'm saying you're a bit dumb, shrill, self-serving, lack circumspection, and really don't have any normal human decency, yes, that's what I suspect about you. I'm sure you're very busy being on the campaign trail and you don't have time to consider what is or isn't good journalism. And the liberal media will always hate you because you're beautiful, or so you think.

But again, awesome mommy, I'm sure.

The above statements do not represent the editorial or moral position of "Diary of Fools".dot whatever. This is a legal disclaimer, of sorts. It may not be perfect, but it does the job. Get used to it, old people. This is the new way of doing things. You'll see when I'm 18, which will be the year 2020. There will be new "World Trade towers" by then, and they won't even be new any more, and hopefully the world will be at peace.

Forget Barack and Hilary, Take a Virtual Trip to Beverly Hills, California!

By Gloucester de la Vegas, Gifted and Talented Child, Political Correspondent

Hello, and glad to make your acquaintance here in my debut at “Diary of Fools”. You may have read some of my scholarly works in journals or through other Web links, but I doubt it. You just don’t have that kind of time, and, face it, you’re not that smart, or at least not that intellectual. No offense, and I want to be friends, but I’m just plain-spoken. Children are like that. Maybe I’ll grow out of it.

Somehow, that brings me around to the subject of the Democratic National Convention, now happening in Denver. I was in Denver a few years ago, but I was just a baby, so I didn’t get to go skiing even though we were in Beaver Creek, an upscale ski resort. It probably doesn’t surprise you that someone named Gloucester de la Vegas only goes to (or, more properly, is taken to) upscale, exotic or intellectually uplifting places. My Welsh-Spanish family is ancient, wealthy, renowned and moved to Saint Paul, Minnesota for religious and legal reasons you don’t need to know about.

But getting back to that Democratic convention…just two things to say. First, Hilary supporters, get over it, and immediately stop saying you’ll vote for McCain. You’re lying, you won’t. You’re just upset and craving attention and want to make a feminist point. God, I’m only 6 and I know that, why don’t professional journalists? Maybe you’re one of those morons who voted for Ralph Nader once, or twice, because you thought “it won’t really matter.” Well, it did, to the tune of thousands of American soldiers killed (some Iraqis, too), and a wrecked economy, and $4 a gallon gas (thank you, Dick Cheney…yes, you are evil and it is your fault even though it couldn’t be just one oil-devil’s fault). I could go on but I’ll just say it again: Ralph Nader, he’s now a “wack” jerk and so are you if you say that you’re “protesting” Obama’s selection over Hilary. She’s not the candidate for one reason. Because she’s more shrill, mannish and repellent than my mother after 7 martinis, and all America feels that way about her. And always will. The only Hilary that America and I want to see for the next 4 years is Hilary Duff, and the Hilary we particularly DON’T want to see or hear is Hilary Clinton. Of course, I’m much too young to vote, so what do I know? But go ahead, ask Bill Clinton, though. “Which Hilary would you most like to spend the evening with, and I don’t even mean kissing, just hanging out. Would it be Hilary Duff, Hilary Swank or your Hilary?” We all know the answer.

Oh, by the way, Ralph Nader is running again, with someone named Gonzalez. I guess the insane Indian (Native American?) woman who was his running mate in 2000 (remember, when “Dubya” kind of won the Presidency, the first time?) wasn’t available. That must be it. Because she definitely would get Nader elected in 2008…I mean, there are so many disaffected-feminist Hilary supporters out there dying to vote for someone else and REALLY destroy this nation. McCain-style, whatever that nightmare would be like. In fact, why isn’t Winona LaDuke (that’s the crazy Native American lady’s name) a candidate herself? All of Hilary’s offended supporters would love to vote for her. Oh, back to the topic of professional journalists and their insight…why aren’t they covering Ralph Nader like crazy this election? They did before, he was so important back then. And there weren’t even all these supposed disaffected feminist voters looking for an alternative vote. Nader is in it to win it, baby, not to spoil it. I for one want to know who Gonzalez is.

You may ask yourself, why am I, a 6 year old child, so negative, why do I have such strong opinions on politics, and how do I know all this stuff? Well, it’s because I’m precocious and I have the internet and can open my Dad’s laptop and type. Welcome to the future, old people.

Speaking of the Web, I just visited an “official” Beverly Hills website, and it sure made me forget about Denver, and even the upcoming Republican National Convention in my home town of Saint Paul. Maybe I’ll rap at you about that convention later, but right now, wow, Rodeo Drive. I was there as a baby (story of my life) but can’t wait to go back now that I’m cognizant.

I’m not going to say a lot about it now, you can check out the link. But somehow the smooth, beautiful, self-serving website kind or reminds me of Republicans, or at least people like Rush Limbaugh. Not that he’s beautiful, he isn’t. But the self-serving part, the sense of complete entitlement (which, ironically, is actually an obscenity in the Republican world-view) and disdain for anyone else’s situation. You know, those poor, dirty Democrat people who don’t want to work. And don't have the decency to listen to Rush Limbaugh’s half-baked, pompous ranting. Like I said, though, I’m not going to go on about it. I’m kind of thirsty for a juice box.

But the last thing I wanted to add about Beverly Hills is that there’s apparently a movie coming out October 3, really just a little before the election, called “Beverly Hills Chihuahua”. I am so all-over that idea because I saw a movie called “Beverly Hills Ninja” and it was hilarious. Really, no irony here. The part where Chris Farley accidentally hangs himself while doing kung fu literally made me wet my pants, and I don’t do that regularly any more. I’m just expecting “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” is going to be all kinds of fun, and with some telling insight concerning race and class and wealth and happiness (and not just as they apply to dogs).

So, again, nice to meet you, and do check back to this site. I think I’m going to have a lot to say about John McCain, Barack Obama, Piper Perabo, Drew Barrymore and chihuahuas in the coming weeks.