Introducing "Ask a Canadian with Sully Sullivan"

Canada. O, Canada. Our glorious and free neighbor to the north.

And though we share the longest common border in the world (5,525 miles or 8,892 kilometers as it's known everywhere else on fucking Earth), we hardly know one another. Well, except for the lazy stereotypes. You know the ones - maple syrup, hockey, gravy on french fries, asexual reproduction… but the truth of the matter is, Canada is so much more. Sure, viewed through our jingoistic-colored glasses, it may, like the rest of the world, appear to us as inferior to the U.S. of fuckin' A. It's an attitude most likely adopted as a result of our top-notch healthcare unparalleled financial system fair labor practices tasty snack chips.

But as Toronto's-own Sully Sullivan (of the hilarity-filled blog Yeah... totally, right?) shares with us in his new regular column Ask a Canadian, when compared to America, The People's Republic of Canuckistan is the tops. Both in a literal, geographic sense and in a euphemistic prison rape kind of a way.

So now, with no further turdification, allow me to present the inaugural edition of Ask a Canadian with DoF resident Canadian, Sully Sullivan.

Enjoy,

Blaine

Before a 2004 visit to Canada, the U.S. Office of the Chief of Protocol compiled an extensive list of Canadian quirks and customs for then-president George W. Bush to review in order to avoid any international embarrassment. This list included things such as "In Quebec, the thumbs down sign is considered offensive." What would you have included on this list?

(Muffy from Lincoln, NE)

Being American is offensive to Canadians. That fact right there must have put Bush at an immediate disadvantage.

George, a few quick tips for next time you're elected president, engage in a ridiculous war, piss all over the global economy and have to visit Canada:

1) Don't smoke while you eat: Canadians are disgusted by someone smoking while eating. I have seen Americans do this and I can say, beyond any doubt, that I'd rather watch Willem Defoe do nude hot yoga before seeing another American smoke while they eat food.

2) Please don't middle-finger us: In the US, the middle finger is a stop gap cure-all for a wide variety of social ailments, but here in Canada we haven't degraded the potency of "the bird" near as far. It still stings a little when we're faced with it.

3) We are serious about poutine regardless of whether or not we are French Canadian: I know what you were probably thinking while reading the CoP's notes, "Hey I'll just go up there and tell a bunch of slightly jabbing, but overall playful poutine jokes and everyone will have a good time about it." NO! That's hurtful. That's hurtful and it's wrong.

4) Remember, Hockey is Baseball without the "pussy": Don't bother acting like you can bask in our love of hockey because you share a similar passion for the sport of baseball. Comparing baseball to hockey is like comparing your fat uncle to me. I'm stronger and faster with a better mullet.

5) There are no Bob Evans restaurant chains here: Asking where you can find the nearest Bob Evans only alerts us to the fact that you are American, which as I said above, is greatly offensive to us.

Hope I helped.

Is it true that prime minister Stephen Harper's power originates from his impeccable side-part, and as a precautionary measure his feathery coif is protected at tax payer's expense by an invisible bullet-proof laminate developed by the CSIS?

(Larry from Seattle, WA)

Harper's hair was actually born in rural Massachusetts to a military family. A gun prodigy, the young coif, attended West Point and was eventually trained by the CIA. Now an old do', decorated in the purplest of all American war medals, the hair has retired in Canada atop the Prime Minister's magnificent melon where it is regarded as the finest of eyebrow umbrellas.

See? Now you know that our Prime Minister is actually 3.5% American. We're learning!

Canadian-born Conrad Bain won me over with his unforgettable portrayal of wealthy housing developer Phillip Drummond in the early 80s American sitcom, Diff'rent Strokes. If the USA approached Canada regarding a trade for Conrad Bain in exchange for Wilford Brimley, Patrick Duffy and a Jonas Brother to be named later, would you be in favor? Why or why not?

(Rupert from El Paso, TX)

We should have named this column "Ask a Young Canadian". It would have been more appropriate and also pre-warned the editors of this blog that "Diff'rent Strokes" is something my father probably watched. I've quickly Google image searched him, and my stars, is he ever a handsome man. It would take a lot to pry him away from us. Based strictly on looks, Brimley's moustachio is incomparable and every time he pronounces diabetes like "diabeeetus", I piss my pants laughing. But look, I'm not rich and have a very limited supply of clean pants so this is actually a strike against him. Patrick Duffy is a wash, he's all smiley and charming and "old guy good looking" I guess, but I can't remember which 90s bullshit family sitcom he starred on, so he can stuff himself.

Was it "Step by Step"? It was...wasn't it?

What the fuck is a Jonas brother? Is that like a sex move? "Man, I gave that broad the dirtiest fucking Jonas Brother I've ever laid out, bro. SICK!" A "Jonas Brother" of course being when you wedge yourself into someone's life and then alternate fist fucking their ears and eyes.

Overall decision: Diabeeeeeeeeeeeetus. I simply cannot turn Wilfred Brimley away. He comes with a shitload of instant oatmeal right?

Questions for Sully? Email 'em to diaryoffools@hotmail.com