The Undead Menace

Merton Sussex, Dual-Wielder

So, the other day, I realized I was fresh out of vinegar, light bulbs and Vienna Sausage, and had to leave the house. And, while I was at my neighborhood supply depot, I saw that they had a new item on the shelves. It was an "Emergency Kit." Inside was a flashlight, a radio, basic first aid kit...the usual suspects. The outside of the box indicated that it's good for situations like tornadoes, floods, storms, earthquakes, and the like.

And, I'm sure it is.

But I'm sorry...These days, I'm of the strong opinion that no "emergency kit" is really complete unless it includes at least SOME provision for helping the purchaser survive the sudden, unexpected appearance of hordes of the shambling undead.

Here's the thing: All American men of a certain demographic have been conditioned to understand that the Necropalypse is inevitable. Whether it's a secret government experiment gone awry, a horrible super-virus that arises due to evolution over a shorter microbe life-cycle, or even an extraterrestrial infection, we know in our hearts that it's a matter of "when," and not "if." However, the upshot of that is, along with this conditioning comes at least some modicum of preparation. Thanks to comics, movies, video games and the Internet, we've been set up by our entertainment to deal with World War Z as best we can when it comes.

As for me, I have a zombie-emergency plan in place. I've already set up an escape route, and I've got the perfect place to go. And no, I'm not sharing. There's only enough room for me, and a carefully-selected group of friends and loved ones carefully and specifically chosen for their cunning, reflexes, and complimentary team-based survival skills.

But.

Because I have a vested interest in ensuring the survival of humans as a species, I worry about people like Edith T. Greenhorn of Buttocks, Arkansas. She's 56. She's never bought a copy of "Fangoria." She has no idea who George Romero or Sam Raimi are. She couldn't possibly understand that aiming your shotgun properly and at extremely close range can disable multiple zombies at once, and is essential to conserving your shells. And she thinks a chainsaw is really only for cutting trees down. That's pitiable! These people need a fighting chance! If humans are going to survive, we've got to get the word out to everyone!

Picture this: Imagine YOU'RE the one who's escorting them to higher ground, trying to keep them alive long enough for them to give you the password/antidote/government secrets, and/or slapping them in their hopelessly clueless, blubbering faces as the swarm stumbles nearer, arms outstretched and moaning? It's going to be an uglier-than-necessary day for everyone involved.

They never teach the really useful life skills in school, do they?

Look, you can prepare for the standard, garden-variety crises all you want. Fire, whatever. Floods, sure. But if you're REALLY serious, you also need to come up with a C.R.A.P. - A Corpse-Reanimation Action Plan.

Think I'm kidding? Then THIS will be a wake-up call. As is true in so many areas in life, THE JAPANESE ARE WAY AHEAD OF US. They are already training their children in zombie-repelling tactics. Witness THIS:



Sure, the audience is laughing. BUT THE KIDS AREN'T. This is a DRILL. They know the score, because Japan has always taken the threat of the zombie menace more seriously. And yes, maybe a bucket of sponges and a roll of Saran Wrap wouldn't be AS effective as, say, an AR-15 and a machete, but at least they're DOING something. And that sort of peace-of-mind is important.

So, because I care, here's a little something to get you started. With help from Knarf, I've put together a top-ten list of crucial zombie-swarm survival tips:

1) Pack light, and keep moving.
2) Cut your hair short.
3) Wear tight-fitting clothes.
4) Own at least a .38 revolver, and keep it handy. (If possible, also own a reliable carbine rifle, a shotgun, and one of those small ice-climbing picks. An axe or large hatchet is also essential for destroying the stairs leading to the second floor of your hideaway.) In addition, always keep ONE bullet apart from the others in a safe place on your person.
5) Be as quiet as possible.
6) No place is safe; only safer.
7) Retreating to cold climates seems like a good idea, but winter is just as hampering to your survival as it is to the ghoul's mobility. Mountainous regions are your best bet. Avoid cities, swamplands, hillbillies, and large bodies of water.
8) Don't be afraid to loot. Hardware stores are your friend, but MALLS are a deathtrap.
9) DO NOT GET BITTEN. If you are bitten, it is your duty to use the single bullet from item 4 in the most honorable way possible.
10) Most important of all: ALWAYS AIM FOR THE HEAD.

This guy: Fucked, sure. But not quite as fucked as he seems to the untrained eye.

No matter what, it is your responsibility to persevere. Your delicious brains are both the only thing that will save you, and the one thing the enemy wants more than anything else.

In other words: Keep your head figuratively, and you stand a better chance of keeping it literally.