Breaking up is hard to do. But withstanding the fallout of a break-up is even harder. The crying. The late night phone calls. The ill-fated attempt at "being friends". Worst of all is the break-up that doesn't stick, which usually comes as a result of a determined/dillusional breakee refusing to accept the estrangement and a weak-willed breaker who would do anything to stop the breakee's crying...including keeping a vegetative relationship hooked up to a feeding tube for several more agonizing months if it means they'll just shut-the-fuck-up already. 
- Erase your number from his/her cell phone
- Get new email address
- Relocate, relocate, relocate. This is key. Another city is preferred to avoid the dreaded "chance meeting".
Great! Now you're prepared for "The Tuck and Roll".
As we've already discussed, the hardest part of a break-up isn't really the act of telling your partner that you don't want to be with them anymore, so much as it is the severe awkwardness that follows directly after. If only there was a way to escape the second you've let the other person know you don't want to be with them, never to be seen again.
Well, accomplishing that is as easy as going for a Sunday drive with your partner.
And then jumping out of the vehicle as you announce that you'd like to break-up.
Typically, this technique is done with you in the passenger seat. But depending on how much you despise the person you're breaking up with, it can be performed with you in the driver's seat as well.
And there you have it. A clean break. No excruciating back and forth. No awkwardness. No muss, no fuss.
You're welcome.
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5 comments:
Hm...I wish this advice had come along ages ago. Usually, if I couldn't bring myself to say anything, I'd just have to nail her sister or best friend. On video. Then mail her the tape.
I'm gonna bet this is how stuntmen do it, though. Stuntmen do everything the coolest way possible. They even die cool. Me, I'll probably drop dead of a massive coronary on account'a the fact that I can't even eat ice cream without bacon on it. But I sure WISH I could have something like "Died in a flaming car explosion while body-doubling for Vin Diesel in XXX3" or something as an epitaph.
Oh, well. At least MY headstone won't say I dirt-napped at 43.
Hahahaha! "Relocate, relocate, relocate. This is key." This tuck and roll technique is truly demented.
Ha Ha Ha. Yes! It's so simple, it just might work.
I'll definitely be staying tuned for the the next installment.
Where does the drunken, late-night, hookup-style relapse fit in? Maybe at a mutual friend's wedding. Or while she's grieving the loss of her kitty, Mittens.
For those of us that are more advanced in years, this isn't good just for breaking up with your romantic partner, but for kids as well. You may need to take more care with planning for the relocation than I did however, as apparently the authorities frown on you tucking and rolling from a moving vehicle with your squalling brats…er, kids…strapped into their car seats. Wish me luck on my court date next week!
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