by Blaine Fridley, Editor-in-Chief/Just happy not to be talking about the economy
Remember this SNL bit?
Pretty funny, right?
I mean, a toupee for a baby? How outrageous. Really, who would EVER think of putting a toupee on theirohjesuschristwhy
Apparently, the maker of Baby Bangs™ (Nice name, by the way. I'll guess half of your visitors are disappointed child porn enthusiasts), oblivious to the concept of humor, saw this sketch not as the comedic effort it was, but as an egregious, gender-biased omission.
Suuuure, bald baby boys now have the opportunity to bring that Marv Albert swagger to their next play date, but what about the Sinead O'Colics of the world? What about the pain, the shame of being a follicly-challenged baby girl and facing your drooling, semi-cognizant, big toe-sucking peers looking like Vladimir Putin? Think of the mocking and abuse to be endured. Well, if babies could talk, that is. Hahaha...talking babies. Note to self: write screenplay about babies who can talk. What? It has? Fuck. Travoltaaaaaaaaa! {vigorously shakes fist to the sky as Travolta-piloted jet flies by}
But to truly understand Baby Bangs™, one should first learn the Baby Bangs™ philosophy:
Our Philosophy:
At Baby Bangs! we believe in the beauty (debasement) of childhood. Our unique designs are sprinkled with MAGIC! (SHAME!) ~inspiring (spawning) a world (a lifetime) of whimsical wonder (chronic self-doubt) and mystical magical memorable moments (and distorted self-image) for you and your baby girl to cherish Forever! For she is, and always will be,
Your LiTTLe PRINCESS (vehicle for achieving everything you've failed to do in your life)!
But what are the customers saying (yes, apparently there are customers)?
"Apropos in our image-conscious modern world"?
What? IT'S A FUCKING BABY!
People generally tend to give babies a little slack in the image and style department.
Unless, of course, they're wearing a toupee… then they're fair game.
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7 comments:
File under: "completely misunderstanding the concept of irony." Whereas most of us watched that and thought, "ha! how ridiculous that some shallow idiot would project their own appearance insecurities onto an infant!" this clueless bitch was the shallow idiot who actually made it a reality.
Nothing like getting your daughters started on a little body dysmorphic disorder right out of the gate. What better way to say, "you are not now, nor will you ever be pretty enough" than to put a goddamned rug on 'em before their soft spot even closes? I'm sure they'll treasure THOSE baby pictures....Especially during their awkward teen years.
Meh...Self-esteem is overrated, anyway.
You missed one of the crucial benefits of the Baby Bangs. As mentioned on their front page, Baby Bangs proclaim "I'm not a boy!". They feminine-up an otherwise boringly androgynous baby. match 'em up with some sequined booties and a pink tube top.
And if you didn't get a girl like you wanted, you can maintain the illusion for like, 6 or 7 years?
Anyone see the prenatal beauty pagent sketch on Mr. Show?
Are they allowed in Baby Beauty Pageants? Or will we soon be treated to a nightly news special where some mom has super-glued this to her helpless infants head in a an effort to make that first step to being Ms. America, Ms. Universe or just the girl that brings in the third most amount of money down at Deja Vu every Sunday night?
I've often thought that the main reason a lot of women have babies are so they can buy all those cute baby clothes and play dress up.
If parents will buy expensive Baby Gap clothes and Weeboks for their babies, I'm sure they'll buy this, too.
It could be worse, you could be dealing with these unnerving monstrosities.
Yup: http://www.diaryoffools.com/2008/07/creepy-droid-babies-part-ii.html
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