This Day in History

1920
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police was established. After voting down the first few uniform options for "not being gay enough", officials finally decided on the distinctive "I dare you to respect me" Officer Fancypants outfit still worn to this day.

1946
Norwegian statesman Trygve Lie was chosen to be the first secretary-general of the United Nations. Addressing the general assembly for the first time, Lie would passionately express his gratitude for being the first selected to "captain this ship filled with meaningless sanctions, thinly-veiled special interests and soft-cocked masturbators."

1999
Former White House intern Monica Lewinsky gave a deposition that was videotaped for senators weighing impeachment charges against President Bill Clinton. Most of Lewinsky's sordid details would be rendered inaudible thanks to House Republican Bob Barr's heavy breathing during taping.

2004
Singer Janet Jackson's breast was briefly exposed during a duet with Justin Timberlake during the Super Bowl halftime show. Coincidentally enough, the so-called "wardrobe malfunction" led to the exposure of an even larger tit: FCC Chairman Michael Powell.

Watch this Movie.

by Blaine Fridley

In 2004, amidst the American cacophony of jingoistic Toby Keith singles, Hummer advertisements, Bill O'Reilly "winning" another argument by simply yelling louder than his guest and the rumble of turf-hungry machinery clearing the way for 4th-tier suburban townhome developments ("oooh, let's move here, honey! We'll have a 65-mile commute but THREE Noodles & Companies!") some of the brightest folks in urban planning and energy consumption came together in a film called "The End of Suburbia" to make a very important announcement, loudly and clearly: The American way of life is on life support.

But like just about everybody else, I didn't hear it. I was far too busy soliciting hookers on Grand Theft Auto and wondering if Seth would choose Anna or Summer (O.C. reference. -10 hetero points) to care about nano-details such as the rapid, unyielding demise of everything I've ever known. Nope. Not when-"Hey, look! It's Janet Jackson's titty!"

OK. Fast-forward to the year 2008 and one of history's greatest innovations, Netflix [for more information on how you can use product placement to increase sales, contact the DoF at diaryoffools@hotmail.com]. Found "The End of Suburbia", moved it to the top of my queue (just ahead of "You Got Served 2"), waited a few days for it to arrive in my mailbox and then popped it in.

75 minutes later, the message was clear. The development of American suburbia was/is a grossly inept and short-sided investment of our country's post W.W. II economic windfall. The reason being it's growth is all dependent on a resource in steady decline: oil.

Throughout the span of the film, a collection of highly educated minds (including Matt Simmons(!), chairman and CEO of the HUGE oil-industry investment bank, Simmons & Company, and also an associate/friend of Dick Cheney and George Dubs) paint a bleak portrait of our country's economic and social well-being if we continue to live in our cozy bubble of collective denial and fail to put the pinch on our current rate of oil consumption.

"The End of Suburbia" is the violent shake our country needs to snap out of our oil-drunk malaise. Hopefully, we'll soon start taking steps to heed it.