What it Is in Vids: BioShock 2

In-Trigue back again... Check and direct and let's begin... Party on party people, let me hear some noise... Intrigue's in the house, jump, jump... umm... jump... Or not. Sorry. My intention is not to smother you with Tag Team lyrics, no matter how nostalgic and boogie-inducing.

My intention, rather, is to check on your overall well-being and talk about vids. BUT! The Tag Team reference is semi-relevant, as assisting me today is Academy Award-winning actor and all-around funnyman, Javier Bardem! Say hi, Javier.

"Javier Bardem."

... What?

"My name is Javier Bardem. Hah-vee-eyre. You did not say it correctly."

Wha-... uh... umm... Actually, I didn't "say" your name at all. See, this is the Internet and-...

"Say it. Say my name correctly."

Javier Bardem.

"Good. Now say, 'I put my pants on one leg at a time, like any other Dick, Tom or Harry."

No. I'm not saying that.

"Then say, 'Dingle, dangle, suck it. Crap pants and flapjacks snap traps in the-..."

Jesus Christ. I'm starting to think this was a mistake. Moving on!

BioShock 2, one of the most highly-anticipated releases of 2010, drops today (cue applause). It goes without saying that the collective gaming community is eager.

Eager like Anton Chigurh trying to reclaim his lost cash.

"Nice. Thank you."

I got you, JB.

For those unfamiliar with the first BioShock, I'll try to nutshell it for you. The year is 1960. You are on an airplane, which immediately crashes into the ocean. From there you discover Rapture - a dystopian, underwater city that-...

"Wait. Rapture? What is this? Some sort of Kirk Cameron handjob born again bullshit? If that's the case you can leave ME behind! You know? Get it? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

It has nothing to do with Kirk Cameron. Did you do any research for this at all, Bardem?

"It's Bahr-dehm. Just give the synopsis link, instead of boring everyone half-dead with your stupid asshole explanation."

Yeah. Ok. Good point. For those completely unfamiliar with the first BioShock, here's a link to the synopsis.

One of the things the first BioShock became known for was its primary moral quandary: Do you harvest the Little Sisters (girls with magic sea slugs in their bellies) or do you save them? On the surface, this seems like a relatively easy decision, but harvesting (read: eviscerating) the Little Sisters gives you more ADAM (spirit-life juice stuff), which is sweeter than candy. I'd like the record to reflect, however, in real life I find the killing of little girls to be an abhorrent and despicable practice.

"What about Small Wonder?"


"That bitch was annoying and should've had had her little girl guts ripped out."

Hmmm... Javier Bardem makes a interesting point. Murdering Small Wonder would be seemingly deplorable, but she was a robot, so it's not like you'd be killing a human girl.

"She was a robot?"

Anyway, the moral choice is present in BioShock 2, as well, only this time you are one of the Big Daddies (large, sea-suit, bad-ass motherfuckers). Now, the choice becomes: harvest the slug out of the Little Sister or befriend her and let her help you navigate Rapture.

Some other new features of BioShock 2 include the addition of multiplayer. So, now all your pride and presumption of skill can be torn into thousands of bigoted, hate-filled, rage-inducing pieces by a 12-year old pissant. Also, in the sequel, both weapons and plasmids (amazing superhuman powers) can be unleashed simultaneously. Meaning you can not shoot someone in the face while you're lighting them on fire. Which is worse?

"The fire."

It's rhetorical, Bardem. There is no correct answer. They both suck.

BioShock 2 introduces Big Sisters - the sleeker, craftier versions of Big Daddies. It's been rumored that if you complete the entire game in "brass balls" mode, you unlock a recreation of the "I Will Follow Him" finale from Sister Act - performed by a host of Big Sisters, thus making it Big Sister Act... Get it? Ho ho! Here's the original scene:

(note - Watching the original scene in it's entirety could cause madness and/or suicide. We recommend viewing 30-45 seconds only.)

"Fuck me. That was terrible."

Agreed.

In summary, BioShock 2 drops today. It looks to be a solid sequel to a decidedly solid title. BioShock 2 retails for the normal $60ish at most local entertainment vendors. Uncle Intrigue is excited and gives it a definite thumbs-up. And Uncle Bardem is...

"...? What, am I supposed to say something now? I don't even know what the shit you've been talking about for the last 5 minutes. Biggie sisters and dudes named Adam and plasma and shit? Yeah, it all sounds Yahtzee. Fucking dial it up."

There you go, a dual-endorsement from yours truly and Mr. Javier Bardem. If that doesn't do it for you, here's a tittilating teaser trailer trained to tittilate your titties:



That's it, for now. Until next time, remember to keep your glutes greased, your mood sweet and your heart appealing. Appealing and...

INTRIGUING!