Winnie Cooper - Episode 1

A few years back I was a starving actor where I worked overnights at FedEx Kinko’s in beautiful Burbank, California. The job left a lot to be desired but the upside of sniffing toner all night long was the late night appearance of random B celebrities. During my time there, B-sightings included Alan Thicke, Markie Post, Dennis Haskins and many more.

But one glorious overnight at 1 AM, Kinko’s was graced with the presence of my lifelong crush – Winnie Cooper from TV show The Wonder Years. For the first time in my life I was thankful to be wearing an ink-stained apron to cover up my mancitement. As she headed to the self-service area (no innuendo intended) I excused myself from the customers I was assisting by completely ignoring them and headed straight for my computer.

Like a true creeper, I searched “Winnie Cooper” to see if the world wide web had some inside information on her. You have to be smart with B celebrities known for one thing… they often don’t like talking about that one thing. So I didn’t want my angle to be, “You’re Winnie Cooper!” and then go in for the high five. Any jerk can do that. I wanted her to know that I understood her as a person and that my lifelong infatuation for her was the key to unlock her heart.

In my computer research, I discovered that she had a real name – Danica McKellar. Who knew? A few more clicks on my internet machine informed me that she was a famous mathematician. She graduated with honors from UCLA where she co-authored a proof. Seriously, she’s crazy smart.

With my stalker knowledge firmly in place, I now put out a prayer to the Kinko’s gods for her copy machine to break down. Serendipitously, my prayers were answered as she approached the counter and asked for my assistance before I said “Amen”. There is a God!

My metamorphosis into Fred Savage had begun as my voice cracked, “Y-es… um, YES.” But I got it together and like her knight in shining armor, I saved the day by fixing the jam between areas A and B.

Unquestionably this was a great start, but I had to stay sharp. She mentioned that she needed ink for her printer and as we sauntered to the cartridge area she disclosed that she wasn’t sure of her printer model. This was my opportunity!

I said, “Matching cartridge numbers to printer models… you’d have to be a math major!”

She lit up. There are few moments in life when you know you just made a girl wet and this was one of them. Glowing, she said, “Actually, I was a math major.”

I smiled back and nodded with eyebrows raised as if I was learning something I didn’t find out stalking her.

We proceeded to the checkout counter where she collected a few additional items – manila folders, envelopes, a self-help book and some red vines. As I’m ringing her out (again, no innuendo) I ask her, “I don’t mean to be forward, but are you Danica McKellar?”

She was ecstatic. You could see in her face that every male she encounters born between 1977 and 1983 says, “You’re Winnie Cooper!” and goes for the high five. But I didn’t have my hand up in the air AND I knew her real name.

As far as she knew I could fix any machine on the planet, I could follow it up with a witty Pythagoras reference and I am sensitive to the needs of a woman… in this case, knowing her name. I was in the zone.

After a few riveting moments of idle chitchat and me hoping that she would stay forever – or at least ask for an application to work alongside me – she asked me a question that would fulfill a childhood fantasy, “Would you walk me to my car?”

I obliged as calmly as I could to cover up the fact that this was the best moment of my life and we walked to the car in what seemed like slow motion. This is where I discovered the real power of Winnie Cooper. In true Wonder Years fashion, I could hear my adult voice 30 years in the future talking in my head reflecting back on this moment.

Inner voice that sounds like Daniel Stern:

She was an angel but she looked chilly in the cool valley air. I wished I had Kevin’s Jets jacket to drape over her shoulders, but all I had was that damn corporately issued apron. She was charming as she fiddled for her keys in a clumsy fashion. And as I held her copies and her ink cartridges that probably won’t work in her printer, in the still Burbank night I found the perfect words to say…

“I’ll… see you around.”

Inner voice that sounds like Daniel Stern:

I’ll see you around!? Is this what Namath would say? No, he’d say ‘Suzie, I wanna kiss you!’ Oh my god… I have turned into Kevin Arnold! ‘I’ll see you around’ is exactly what Kevin Arnold would have said.

When she finally stumbled upon her keys, she lifted them out of her purse with a business card and extended an invitation for me to contact her. I smiled and said I would. And in Kevin Arnold fashion I said, “Bye.”

She said, “Bye.”

And I again said, “Bye.”

While the Winnie I remembered from my youth would have pedaled off in her banana seat bike, I didn’t mind this new Winnie who sped off with my heart in a BMW.

TO BE CONTINUED…