Famous Last Words - Volume V

Death is the end result of life as surely as an IRS audit is the end result of you claiming your dogs as dependents. And, in their final moments, people often reveal great volumes of wisdom.

The latest installment of the Diary's "Famous Last Words" series is about the times that they don't.

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"Okay, VEEERY funny, you guys. I think that's about enough. This is getting pretty old. And I should know." - Abe Vigoda, Actor (not dead)

"What, are you kidding me? Fuck that 'burial at sea' bullshit. Would YOU want to be buried at YOUR office, asshole?" - "Deadliest Catch" star Captain Phil Harris (stroke)

"Just do me a favor, and make sure the obituary doesn't say, 'she died after a short illness,' or, 'she had an all-too-brief life,' or any of that bullshit. Because HONESTLY." - Zelda Rubenstein, midget psychic lady from "Poltergeist" (organ failure)

"Wait...What's my line...?" Soupy Sales, Comedian (cancer)

"Where in the hell is my Jell-O? Nurse? NUUURSE?!? Goddamnit, who's in CHARGE here?" - Alexander Haig, Former U.S. Secretary of State (staph infection)

"Oh...Oh, my GOD. It's all so CLEAR to me, now! There really is a single, unifying principle scarcely underlying the surface of all that exists; a common empirical bond that's a sophisticated marriage of mathematics, biology, philosophy, chemistry, physics and spirituality! I see it, now...It is at once as delicate and fleeting as a child's laughter, and yet also dichotomously more rugged and eternal than forged iron, and all neatly summed up by an elegant expression-slash-juxtaposition of complementary disciplines! How could this not have been apparent all along? How incomprehensibly cruel that it should strike me now, reveal itself to me when the moment of my passing is surely nigh? And yet, how decidedly appropriate that this exquisitely-choreographed, precisely-balanced dance of ancient and eternal delight remain in my wake, as a dewy blossom waiting patiently to be stumbled upon by future seekers of the greatest of truths! Dear lord, I've been an utter FOOL." Anna Nicole Smith, Actress/Playmate (drug overdose)

"GGgggkkkRRrrBBBbLLlll - RRRKKKKkkkkkchkkk...-"Fashion designer Alexander McQueen (suicide by hanging)