Champions of Society, Sincere Edition: COOLEST. PRESIDENT. EVER.

Merton Sussex, Bad Motherfucker

During the presidential campaign, Barack Obama captured my attention (as he did with so many). So, once it became apparent that he was becoming a force to be reckoned with, I decided to learn what I could about the guy, and bought a copy of his memoir, "Dreams From My Father." The first thing that struck me was the cover. Primarily, the fact that "Barack Obama" was listed as the author. And the ONLY one. There's no subtitle under his name in a font point size 10% of it that said, "With Hiredgun O'Ghostwriter." Every word on the page came right from the man who is now the president.

So, I read it. And, while it was apparent in certain stretches that Obama was never gonna be F. Scott Fitzgerald prose-wise, it was very engaging, thoughtful, and had heart to spare. For a lawyer and politician, the man had written an extremely competent book.

After finishing the book, I moved on to "The Audacity of Hope," which turned out to be just as good, if not better. I felt like I had a pretty solid, unflinching handle on Obama at that point, given his own unfiltered words and ideas having come across so vividly on the page. I had a feeling he'd be the coolest president we've ever had. Once he got elected, I knew I'd been right.

As it turns out, I had no idea how right I was.

See, in the excitement of the primaries, the nominations, the runoff, election night, and inauguration, I'd forgotten something. Three things, actually. Three things I should have remembered:

First - That there had been a minor "plot" point of the book concerning a childhood classmate of Obama's who had not been a good influence due to his use of foul language. Obama told the story to illustrate how otherwise good, intelligent people can be negatively affected by their environment, and act like thugs in search of acceptance.

Second - In his writing, Obama did not censor the actual words used by this friend in order to enrich the anecdote and make the point vividly clear

Third - The Audiobook version of "Dreams From My Father...HAD BEEN READ BY THE AUTHOR.

As I am so fond of saying in situations like this: I'm sure you can see where this is going.

Recently, some enterprising folks on the cyber-nets got themselves a copy of the Audiobook of "Dreams", and did a little selective ripping of a few of the passages from that particular section of the book. And, as you can well imagine, out-of-context, it's some of the funniest shit you've ever heard in your life.

Bear in mind as you listen to the following clips that the man speaking is currently President of the United States. This is not an impostor, nor is it an impressionist...It is actually Barack Obama.



"Good heavens, I fear that the complexity of this situation has proven a touch overwhelming for my capability level."


"I understand that not all persons of European or Anglo/Saxon descent possess inferior mental capabilities, but some Caucasians truly lower the bar in terms of sub-par levels of intelligence."


"I'm sure I needn't further illustrate the severe deficiency of that other fellow in comparison to myself. You're well aware that I possess far greater capabilities, correct? Honestly, he's quite beneath me."


"Absolutely, my dear. I am more than elated to provide you the specific sequence of digits you would need to enter into the keypad of your personal communication device in order to reach me at mine."


"Apologies, but you are not in any way subordinate to me, you attractive and successful person of African-American heritage. Therefore, if you wish to consume a piping-hot ration of pomme frites, I'm really afraid I must insist that you invest the capital to procure them for yourself."


Jimmy Carter was dinged for going on record in an ill-advised "Playboy" interview as saying he had "committed adultery in my heart many times." Prior to a press conference, Ronald Reagan once forgot the oldest rule in the book (treat every microphone as though it's live), and uttered the now-infamous phrase, "We begin bombing in five minutes" in reference to the Soviet Union. And lord knows Dumbya had his fair share of broadcast gaffes, most notably his assertion to then British Prime Minister Tony Blair that certain Middle East turmoil would cease if they could just "...get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit."

But the fact remains that in 2009, we have a president who is not only on record as saying, "You ain't my bitch, nigga. Buy y'own damn fries," but that it is intentional, widely available, and DIDN'T HURT HIM POLITICALLY AS HE WAS ELECTED PRESIDENT BY AN OVERWHELMING MAJORITY.

Holy fuck, I love this country.