This Is Real: Warriors of Elysia

Imagine, if you will, a magical place.

In this magical place, there is abundant beauty. Lush, natural green forests. Marble temples with breathtaking rotundas. And everywhere you look, giant-titted hotties in bikinis kicking the holy living shit out of each other for absolutely zero discernible reason.

This, my friends, is the fabled land of Elysia. And the busty chicks beating each other up? They are Elysia's Warriors. The...uh...Warriors...of Elysia. Yep.

Stay with me, now. It almost starts to make sense in a minute.

"Warriors of Elysia" is an upcoming video game. Well...kind of. But not in the sense that you might think of "video game" if you've ever picked up a controller that had more than one button.

At its core, "Warriors" is a fighting game, sort of in the vein of a Street Fighter, or Tekken. But, that's pretty much where the similarities stop. Because while most fighting games pride themselves on having deep rosters of characters with pages and pages of insane combos and button-mashing special moves, the appeal of "Warriors of Elysia" is a lot less "Left-Right-B-A," and a lot more "Up-Down-Double-D."

See, wherever "Elysia" is? There apparently aren't any men there. Instead, the place is populated exclusively by chicks in skimpy string bikinis who delight in beating each other up.

Internet: Serious Business.

Why, exactly? Who the hell knows? Details are sketchy at this point. There's not much of a story to speak of, the official website is straight out of 1995, and we've only got a (big, bouncy, double-)handful of screenshots and videos to go on. Plus, depending on the source you read, "Elysia" may or may not be the direct or spiritual successor to a previous game called "Bikini Karate Babes," where similar well-endowed women pounded the piss out of each other while doing things like shooting fireballs out of their nipples.

Yeah...Really.

In any case...it appears as though this is what it has come to. Despite the massive strides video games have made in terms of artistic presentation, insanely deep story lines, and mature themes of death, betrayal, and honor...we're now apparently being treated to THIS fucking dreck. And yeah, I know buxom ass-kicking chicks in fighting games is nothing new. "Dead or Alive" exists. So does "Rumble Roses." And you could right an entire doctoral dissertation on how Ivy Valentine from "Soul Calibur" has managed to strap her G-cups down with no more than three square inches of load-test-strained Lycra.

But that's not the point. The point is, an at-least passing attempt was made to make THOSE games balanced, deep, and solid. The tits? Those were thrown in as a fan-service afterthought. But this? Obviously, the sweater-knobs came first, and then they built a game around them. Someone just KNEW they could make a lot of money by putting out the digital equivalent of Jell-O wrestling.

"Give us your money."

Even sadder, "Elysia" is an at least PARTIAL attempt to somewhat legitimize the bikini/karate pseudo-genre "established" by its predecessor. This is supposedly the next generation of bathing-suit ass-beating, with the deliberate camp elements taken the hell out...in as much as such a thing is remotely fucking possible.

Look, I like tits. I like tits a LOT. I'm willing to bet I like tits a whole lot more than you do, even if you like tits very, very much indeed. But being a discerning connoisseur, an aficionado of tits? This means that I understand that tits in CONTEXT are better than gratuitous, pandering tits-for-the-sake-of-tits. I mean, sure...Lots of tits (especially big, bouncy ones that are everywhere) are far, far better than no tits at all. But this? I dunno. I just can't support these tits. And from the looks of things, they need all the support they can get.

Anyway, here's the trailer. I know you're going to watch it.



And here's a video of one of the enormously-boobed women from the game, explaining to everyone how real, digitized characters in games has "never been done before." Uh-huh.



(Lady? As much as we'd like to forget that "Pit-Fighter" and "Aerosmith Presents: Revolution X" ever existed, you REALLY ought to at least acknowledge the first couple of "Mortal Kombat" games, being as you aspire to their level, and all.)

"Warriors of Elysia" is in development for the PC, presumably because, despite the existence of "BMX XXX," console gamers try to have at least a LITTLE taste, and like their games to NOT look like something that got swept up off of the cutting room floor of 1999.

If you buy this, you are a bad person.