Ask a Canadian with Sully Sullivan

The Diary of Fools' in-house Canuck is back to answer all queries Canadian… then it's right back to his Miley Cyrus box set. 

 

Hi Sully,

I'm in the middle of planning a trip for my family, and once I figure out where they're going, I plan on heading up to Canada for a weekend of general whoring and substance abuse. Any suggestions?

Raul from Branson, MO

Dear Raul,

If you want raunch, go to Niagara Falls. I once saw a pimp smack his ho' there. It wasn't a joke either. It was a hard slap right to the mouth, and I know what you're all wondering...no, I didn't call the cops. Whatever.

As an alternative there is Montreal. which has all the pleasantries of Canadian culture, but with the slutty allure of French people mixed in there too. It's very sexy. Imagine the gluttony of a poutine, smeared across a lusty drunken barely legal American college student, while a McGill University photography major enviously films the proceeds. Forget Vegas. That is the real Sin City.

The best bet is Toronto though. The city is magnificent and if you come by my place I promise to show you a strip joint called Filmore's that will skew your mind's definition of a titty bar.

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Dear Sully,

I'm pretty sure former Blue Jays third baseman Kelly Gruber gave me chlamydia. Do you know where he can be reached?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg from Washington D.C.

Dear Ruth,

Everyone knows who the sluttiest Blue Jay of the early 90's era was. If Kelly Gruber gave you chlamydia, it was because he unknowingly contracted it from a three- or four-way involving Roberto Alomar. If you had even a half working vagina and came through Toronto between the years of 1991 and 1995, you either had sex with Roberto Alomar or with someone who had, at some point, had sex with Roberto Alomar. The statistics are foggy, but something like 100% of the children born in the Greater Toronto Area after 1992 were direct descendants of Roberto Alomar.

Now as for Kelly Gruber, if you really need to get a hold of him, I believe he runs a struggling Bicycle repair shop in Austin, Texas called "The Cycle." He works Mondays and Wednesdays between the hours of 10 am and 3 pm. On any other day he can be found solemnly feeding birds on any of the town's park benches.

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Hello Sully,

Russia has Siberia. America has North and South Dakota. Where does Canada put its undesirables?

Chet from Sarasota Springs, FL

Dear Chet,

North and South Dakota for us too. Weird..

So that's where you guys have been putting all of your undesirables? Seriously? And we have been too. Huh.

Sully Sullivan is the mind behind the web log ("blog") known as Yeah...totally, right? and the creator of Hungry Hungry Hippos, the frantic marble-munching game from Milton Bradley, in stores now.