By Reno Gruber, Shameful owner of an Advertising Degree from a second-rate public college.Dear Nationwide Insurance,
Fuck your ads.
Lets just stick with that as the thesis statement.
A few years back you began running national spots that were moderately funny (at best.) The rest of you may remember the Kevin Federline Super Bowl ad.
Super Bowl 2007 - Kevin Federline Superbowl Ad - Funny videos are here
Besides the glaring problem with giving a colostomy bag of Federline's ilk tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars for a stupid Ad, you wasted an opportunity to seriously roast an infamous personality and fuck it up by going out of your way to be bland and predictable. Right in the middle of the "K-Fed is the world's biggest rapeblanket" phenomena of 2006/2007, your best and brightest Ad men come up with him... flipping burgers. Original. All the while dreaming of his Rap superstardom. It was like striking out during slow pitch softball and straining your oblique muscles. And maybe shitting your pants. I don't know.
You then bought the rights to the second tier NASCAR series (formerly the Busch Series,) and renamed it the Nationwide series. Again, you suck, but relatively harmless. Affixing yourself to NASCAR will always get a thumbs down, with accompanying fart noise from Reno, but you could do worse.
And you did.
Nationwide then became the sponsor for the TBS sitcom "My Boys." The show is centered on a female sportswriter named PJ who lives in Chicago and writes about the Cubs, and her group of male friends. Kinda like a blander, gang-bangier version of "Friends." Again, sounds harmless. Stupid, but harmless.
However, by becoming the sponsor of the show this season you were apparently given the 'all systems go' to integrate yourself in the most audacious product placement throughout all aspects of the show.
This is where I must admit I've watched the show. That's fine, if you read enough of my bullshit you get that I'm obsessed with awful Television. At one point in the third or fourth episode, two characters literally have a conversation in a bar about how excellent your services are. Then went right back into their episode arch.
Then you throw in this little gem.
Understandably, your advertisers must now be very creative with their message since so many people own recording devices that skip right past your expensive spots. Knowing nobody wants to pay any more for the filth they already consume, lets assume we all get why TV has ads. Technology has aided our never-ending pursuit to abolish these nuisances, but you wizards on Madison Avenue will never just lay down.
Almost every show now uses product placement. Smart shows (most memorably Arrested Development and Burger King) figure out a way to do it comically over-the-top. 30 Rock did it a number of times this season as well. Some shows do it quietly with merely having the characters use the item joyfully and "naturally."
But watching these pathetic attempts made me actually make mental note to avoid your company by all costs. I'm happy that you have helped Columbus, Ohio become the 15th biggest market because of your central office there. You helped bring them an NHL team. I'm familiar with your work. Fuck you all the same, kind sirs or madams.
Then I saw your recent National campaign. The age old "Sprint" commercials, with real (usually low-level) employees talking frankly on camera about the level of old-fashioned customer service they lovingly give to each and every lucky soul that calls you.
The very idea of trying to pass this at a time where phone support is universally regarded as increasingly rage inducing at nearly exponential rates is short-sided enough to mock.
But the idea of putting either A) A man with Asperger's syndrome or B) A registered pedophile (you choose) is both odd, frightening, and all too ironic to point out any better than it does for itself in the ad below.
Worst case scenario? I'm a dick for making fun of a dude with Asperger's syndrome. I can live with that. That still can't cover up the fact that a man who is supposed to help us with a probable crisis (why else does one call their insurance agent?) has a disease that makes him particularly inept at communication.
Nationwide. Seriously. Fire everyone. Start over. Maybe just go back to the dated K-Fed commercials and slink slowly back into the night.
Thanks a bunch,
Reno Gruber
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