Congratulations! Against all conventional wisdom, you’ve decided to graduate from college! So what now, you ask? Get a job? Buy a house? Start planning your financial future? Whoa, slow down, Johnny Wall Street! First, it’s time to spend a few depressing, disillusioning months/years living in your mother’s basement. This is a very important transitional period for new grads used for “figuring shit out.”
“Moving back home after graduation may seem like a step backwards for many graduates,” says Bill McClurgen, CEO of CareerBonanza.com, “but it is an important phase. During their time in college, students develop a sheltered sense of idealism and invincibility. That sense is immediately shattered to hell the first time they get scolded by mother to make their bed.”
Reverting from complete freedom to moving back in with your mom as a 22 year-old adult may strike you as somewhat depressing. In all actuality, it’s much, much more depressing than you ever imagined.
Shortly after making the move back home, graduates will start to notice an almost immediate decline in their self-confidence, social life and general hygiene. This is to be completely expected. After all, just two weeks ago you were rolling on ecstasy while having a threesome with a teacher’s assistant and a Mexican hotel maid in Cancun. Tonight, you will be sitting at home watching a CSI marathon with your parents and going to sleep underneath your X-Men sheets.
So, is there a way to avoid this terrifying living situation? Well, some people will tell you that preparation for life after college starts during college. These people are in fact, douche bags. Feel free to key their car. Let’s face it, while you were in college you were too busy trying to figure out if the Transsexual Native American Literature course you took satisfied your Multi-cultural Gender Sensitivity Awareness and Tolerance requirement, or if you’d have to sign up for The History of Central American Hermaphrodite Midgets in the spring. If you had used the remaining time in your schedule to start hashing out your post-graduate plans, it wouldn’t have left you much time to build your 3-story beer bong, now would it?
Like the majority of college graduates, you will have very little idea of how you actually plan to apply your degree to the professional world when you graduate. Combine that with your diminished bank account and lease that ran out 3 weeks ago, and conditions are ripe for moving back in with your parents.
When making the transition back to your parent’s house, it is important that they understand that you are now an adult and that you expect to be treated in kind. Declare your newfound adult status by sitting your parents down to share your expectations and ground rules for the duration of your stay in their home. Just kidding. As long as you’re living under their roof you’ll do what they say. If you were such an “adult” you’d have your own place, now wouldn’t you? Now shut off that goddamn TV and help your father trim the hedges in the backyard! Your parents didn’t spend their retirement fund to put you through college so you could watch DVDs all day and treat their house like a goddamn Radisson! And are those dirty dishes in your bedroom? They better be in the dishwasher in 5 minutes or else somebody loses car privileges for the week!
OK, so maybe you should forget about being treated like an adult. In order to keep your sanity while replaying all the same scenes you had with your parents in high school, it’s important that you plan a daily routine for yourself. This will help you maintain focus and energy while also keeping your mind off the fact that your life has lost all purpose and is now seen as a mockery of the human creation in the eyes of God.
Here is a sample schedule that may work for you*:
8:00am: Woken up by mother
8:48am: Woken up by mother again, this time by her flickering lights on and off and obnoxiously pounding on the door while announcing that you are “burning daylight.”
9:01am: Stare blankly at self in bathroom mirror, attempting to pinpoint the exact moment when it all went horribly, horribly wrong.
9:04am: gentle sobbing/shameful reflection (morning session)
9:30am: Frosted Flakes!
10:00am – 1:00pm: Job search/resume creation/Internet porn/Internet porn
1:01pm: delete www.bigoldtitties.com from internet history.
1:02 pm: gentle sobbing/shameful reflection (afternoon session)
1:30pm: Hot Pockets!
2:00pm – 5:00pm: Interview for humiliatingly menial jobs that barely necessitate a frontal lobe, let alone a college degree.
5:00pm – 12:00am: Drive to former campus, drink heavily, pick fight with varsity quarterback
12:00am: pass out in a pool of vomit, humiliation, and broken dreams.
*It must be noted that this schedule is just a loose guideline and must be tailored to fit the needs of the individual. For example, maybe you’d prefer drinking heavily in the morning and devoting an entire afternoon to gentle sobbing/shameful reflection. Experiment to find what schedule works best for you – and have fun!
(Figure 1.0)
Unfortunately, your parents aren't the only people that will treat you like you're in high school again - so will women.
**In the time it took you to read this, Wilt Chamberlin would have slept with your girl three times.
There comes a point in every graduate’s life where a decision must be made. Should you continue living with your parents, where meals are prepared and rent is free, but dignity is scarce and women are to be found only on Cinemax between 11pm – 3am? Or should you move to gain your independence while acquiring the career and financial responsibilities you’ve been avoiding your whole life?
Generally, the time frame that separates “temporarily pathetic” to “lost cause” is about two years. If you’ve been out of school for more than two years and you’re still living with your parents, save yourself some time by immediately growing a ponytail and handing in an application to your local video game/comic book store. Then, proceed to have your genitals removed and donated to science. By choosing not to move out, you will have all but destroyed any chance at regaining a healthy social life, while increasing the probability that you will most likely become a serial killer.
If you do plan on getting laid again, it is imperative that you find a way to move into a place of your own. One way to produce the income necessary to achieve this is by being a bony, no-talent, trust-fund slut (figure 1.1).
(Figure 1.1)
Another way is by getting a job. In the upcoming installments of the Diary of Fools Online College Graduation Guide, we will cover the steps necessary to finding employment that will allow you to say goodbye to your mom’s basement, and hello to your very own roach-infested studio apartment.
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