Diary of Fools Newswire

Dead horse found beaten beyond recognition; media suspected

1st Annual Diary of Fools "That's Web-tastic!" Award

There are times when surfing the Internet that you stumble across a website that reminds you of just how incredible the Internet can be. A website obviously devoted to breaking barriers, to stretching the limits of what we previously thought could be done with this amazing technology. And it is for those websites that the Diary of Fools created the "That's Web-tastic!" Award, to be given annually to the website that rocks the cyber community to its very core and changes the possibilities of where people thought the Internet could take humanity.

With that in mind, it is a great pleasure to give the first annual Diary of Fools "That's Web-tastic!" Award to: http://www.centex.net/~elliott/unicorn.html. One click and I think - nay - I KNOW you will agree.

Never, and I mean NEVER, has unicorn art and the Casio keyboard come together as divinely as they do on this page.

Opinions are like A-holes...

...everybody has one, and just like A-holes, most are just a conduit for passing large steaming piles of turd. Like this unbelievable review I stumbled upon of a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode by a brilliant Netflix user, for instance (for those not familiar with the MST3000 premise, please school yourself here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mystery_Science_Theater_3000 ahhh, Wikipedia. The "Sex Panther" of online reference tools. "60% of the time, it's right every time").

The review reads like this:

"I would have loved the movie if it wasn't for that Joel (or was it Mike?)Hodgson and friends. Their comments during the movie - making it impossibleto hear the movie itself! - ruined the movie!! I had seen this movie yearsago and wanted to see it again because I had really liked it then. But, withthese MST3000 people talking all through the movie, you couldn't hear athing that was actually going on in the movie. All you could hear was theMST people! Very disappointing for me! To make things worse, none of theircomments were funny - with the exception of one single place in the movie!Stupid, yes, but not funny. I'll never order anything else that has MSTattached to it. My husband feels the same way. I would like to make acomment about another review for this movie I read. A Norma Jennings said,and I quote, "er dirty dad er, or is it boyfriend (its the backwoods -what's the diff?", end quote. I take exception to that remark. I am from thebackwoods, and there is a heck of a lot of difference! Anyway, the movie wasa waste of time because of the MST people, therefore I have to rate it withjust one star, "hated it". If I could get it without these MST people, oranyone else, making comments about it all through the movie, I would." http://www.netflix.com/StrangerReviews?prid=561649078&lnkctr=MDP2RL

If only the technology existed for me to reply to this reviewer by sending her a swarm of ill-tempered bees via broadband. Didn't like MST3000 because she "couldn't hear over all the remarks"?! WTF, lady!

That's like writing a review that says "Yeah, I really would've enjoyed Showgirls if only the razor-sharp dialogue wasn't constantly interrupted by all that gratuitous nudity."

That's all I have to say about that.

Yours Truly,
Blaine Fridley

Snapshots by Blaine Fridley

(Click to enlarge)

Happy National Hangover Day!

Seasons Greetings!

(Click to enlarge)

Stoner Confucius says...

Crime Beat

Police sketch reveals 85% of young African-American males were in involved in recent mugging.

Male model impregnates Halle Berry, anxiously awaits tangible proof that he had sex with Halle Berry

By Blaine Fridley

For years, Gabriel Aubrey begged anyone who would listen to believe him. But for the male population of planet Earth, his words seemed to be a proclamation of the impossible – consensual genital to genital contact with Halle Berry.

Sure, the 32-year old male model has had his fair share of sexual encounters with beautiful women, but to claim intimate relations with Halle Berry seemed to be a grossly absurd cry for attention.

Even though the painfully attractive Berry has been seen and photographed with various “boyfriends” over the years, the scientific community has long held the belief that even the very sight of a naked Halle Berry would cause a human male’s crotch to violently explode. This theory was backed up in 1994 when the crotches of 4 lab rats spontaneously combusted after viewing sketches of what scientists thought an unclothed Berry would look like.

Additionally, in 2001, over 1,800 men were hospitalized after their crotches exploded while viewing Berry’s topless scene in the movie Swordfish.

“It’s completely unbelievable,” said biologist James Ralpheson. “His is truly an accomplishment to be celebrated and remembered,” he continued before adding, “That lucky son of a bitch.”

Aubrey, who confessed to keeping his eyes closed and picturing a naked Michael Moore in order to "keep his shit together" during intercourse with Berry, echoed the enthusiasm of the scientific community, calling it “the greatest achievement of my life…and not to be cocky or anything, but it’s quite possibly the greatest achievement of mankind. No matter what happens between Halle and myself, whenever anybody looks at this kid, it’ll be a living reminder that I had sex with Halle Berry. Eat that, Tyrese.”

Diary of Fools' Everyday Inspiration

(Click picture to view)

Diary of Fools Sponsored by:

An announcment from the Diary of Fools Chief Editor, Blaine Fridley

After a short hiatus, the Diary of Fools is back and better than ever! So what exactly makes the new DOF "better than ever"? Upskirt shots, my friend. Lots and lots of celebrity upskirt shots. Besides relying on us for our unbeatable and witty brand of commentary, the DOF looks forward to becoming your uncontested source for Tinseltown beaver on all of the Interweb! That's right! From LiLo (click photo) to Serena Williams(click photo) ... we've got something for everyone! So enjoy the NEW and IMPROVED Diary of Fools ... and be sure to check out classic DOF entries like our College Graduation Guide (Chapters 1 and 2) and much more!

Thank you,

Blaine Fridley, Chief Editor, Diary of Fools

News Break

Bush on Iraq:
"I'm clearly overcompensating"

Getty Images
(Above)
President Bush discusses the real reason he went into Iraq.
Most guys would just buy a Camaro.

RIP JB

James Brown 1933-2006

Nobody will ever look this good in a unitard and suit jacket ever again.

Holo-what? Never heard of it.

"It's not a lie, if you believe it."
- George Costanza


Several weeks ago, when loony-as-batshit Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (which is his official title in this blog from now on)decided to hold a conference dedicated to exposing the Holocaust as a lie, he took the Costanza Paradigm of Truth to a level of punch-yourself-in-the-face ridiculousness the world has not seen since our own loony-as-batshit President Bush arrived on an aircraft carrier in an aviation suit with socks stuffed in the crotch and proclaimed "mission accomplished."

The conference, which I assume was held in the lovely Ayatollah Khomeini room at the Tehran Ramada Hotel and Conference Center, aimed to discredit countless personal survival stories, photographic documentation, and research centers filled to the brim with indisputable evidence that the Holocaust did indeed happen, and that it was one of the greatest tragedies in the pantheon of human existence.

Knowing that his conference may lack legitimacy in light of such staggering, undeniable, and unequivocal proof, he invited ex-KKK leader David Duke for extra credibility.

Well, for two days an elite group of Muslim extremists, scholars**, and Imperial Wizards of the KKK made their case against the Holocaust. They had PowerPoint presentations. And 6-foot party subs for lunch. It was very impressive. Needless to say, it was also very convincing. After this eye-opening conference, I think we can all agree that Anne Frank was just kind of a morbid kid with an amazing grasp of first-person narrative.

**Drunk hobos

Inspired by loony-as-batshit Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinjed's ability to turn historical fact into a myth simply by declaring it as such, I have decided to take this time to publicly deny several items long accepted (or proven) to be the truth.

Myth #1) Major Leauge 2 --
Major League is one of the finest sports movies ever made. Major League 2 is not. Mainly because it never happened. There also exists a certain group of depraved lunatics who claim to have seen a Major League 3 starring Scott Bakula (aka Dr. Samuel Beckett from Quantum Leap) in the lead role. Sick fucks.->
(left)Phony poster from non-existent film.






Myth #2) Van Halen made albums after 1984. The malicious rumors of a post-Roth Van Halen actually parallel the rumors of Major League sequels somewhat. After lead singer David Lee Roth left Van Halen (and the group consequently disbanded), tales of a Van Halen sequel emerged. The second incarnation of Van Halen allegedly starred all the original performers, except for the role of Roth, which apparently was now played by some fat guy dressed like a homeless person who mugged a tourist for their luggage-->> This plays out much like Major Leauge II, which also allegedly starred the original cast, but replaced a lead character played by Wesley Snipes with Omar Epps and figured no one would notice. To expand on the Van Halen/Major Leauge parallel, an even more horrific rumor was started that a Van Halen III was formed, this time starring the former lead singer of Extreme, Gary Cherone, who could aptly be described as the Scott Bakula of rock.

<<------ The last Van Halen album ever made

Does anybody honestly believe that Van Halen could go from this to this?
Of course not, because it never happened.



Myth #3) I was a virgin until I was almost 20 yrs old. False. Despite the lack of women willing to admit they had sex with me before 1999 (or after that for that matter), I, in fact, lost my virginity to this woman-->> , at the age of 13.

Myth #4) I once insulted the intelligence of what few pity-filled souls read this blog by making a lazy Michael Jackson child molestation joke and acting like it was fresh material. Why would I do that? If you wanted stale and dull topical humor, you would just watch Jay Leno.

(Above)Jay Leno extends
his record-setting streak
of 5,475 consecutive
humorless monologues.

and finally...

Myth #5) Hootie and the Blowfish sold more copies of Cracked Rear View than the Beatles did with Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band... oh, snap. That one's actually true.