Kids Say The Darndest Things! (Aryan Youth Edition)

Thanks to The World's Best Ever for bringing this to our attention.

Power of Music and the Pentatonic scale.

AKA Bobby McFerrin is a badass.

McFerrin shows his musical prowess yet again. No smart ass, i'm not talking about "Don't worry be Happy," although yes that song rules too.

World Science Festival 2009: Bobby McFerrin Demonstrates the Power of the Pentatonic Scale from World Science Festival on Vimeo.

Champions of Society: Unemployed College Grad Sues Alma Mater

by Blaine Fridley, Gainfully Employed Underachieving College Grad

If at first you don't succeed, find someone to blame and sue them.

It's the modern-day American way. Well, that is if you make it off the couch to attempt to succeed in the first place.

For espousing this ideal and taking it to new heights of breathless retardation, Ms. Trina Thompson of The Bronx, NY is indeed, a Champion of Society.

You see, three months removed from her Monroe College graduation, Ms. Thompson is suing her Alma mater for the full cost of her tuition ($70,000) plus $2,000 in compensation for the stress endured from…

…

…

… not being able to find a job.

Yeah.

I'm fucking serious, duders.

And this despite a "2.7 GPA (in Business Admin.) and solid attendance" record!

And also despite a nuanced command of the English language, as showcased by quotes like this:

"They (Monroe's Office of Career Advancement) favor more toward students that got a 4.0. They help them more out with the job placement."

Say, whaaa?

That's fucked up, Trina!

You're telling me your school would rather promote students that-ahem-"got" a 4.0?? They "help them more out?" WTF, Trina? Doubleyou. Tee. Eff.

But what about you? You (sometimes) showed up to classes AND (mostly) did the bare minimum required of you! If that doesn't qualify-nay-ENTITLE you to a spot in the American workforce of today, I don't know what does.

Read full story HERE
Source: CNN.com

The Consumer Advocate with Blaine Fridley

Handjob??!

N-n-n-no, baby! Hell naw! You got it all wrong... that stripper was just practicing a breakthrough fitness technique called "Dynamic Inertia", I swear!

Special thanks to DoF reader Akshun Jaxon for the vid!

"Weird Al" Yankovic - American Hero

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: "Weird Al" Yankovic is a goddamned genius. He's a peerless humorist, and an American treasure. I will cheerfully fistfight any who disagree. And I will win.

Here's his latest single and video, just out today: "CNR."

Enjoy. I know you will.

Stoner Confucius Says...

"The more man meditates upon good thoughts, the better will be his world and the world at large. So spark it, kick back, and chill - You're making the world a better place when you do, man."

DoF Shirt of the Week: Jobu

Thats right kiddos, after a week off (really, the second week?) the DoF Shirt of the Week is back!

Click Here. NOW


This snazzy devil pays proper respect and homage to Pedro Cerrano's Jobu Doll from the movie "Major League."

http://www.zazzle.com/jobucard_tshirt-235267326560846342?group=mens&lifestyle=classic&rf=238072715928897383

And really, what says you mean business better than a shirt with a movie character fashioned onto a 1989 Donruss RATED ROOKIE card?

Absolutely fucking nothing. Ever.

This Day in History: August 3rd

1492: Christopher Columbus sets sail from Spain on a voyage that would take him to the present-day Americas.

Notable successes: Navigating cross-Atlantic ocean route, not getting scurvy, making effective landfall, being the first European to contact indigenous Westerners, and then, moments later, to consider how they might most effectively be subjugated.

Notable failures: Discovering actual viable spice-trade route to the Indies, bringing syphilis back to Spain, possessing anything remotely resembling human compassion or decency.

"What the fuck are YOU lookin' at?"

1943: Gen. George S. Patton slaps a private at an army hospital in Sicily, accusing him of cowardice.

The fact that the private in question happened to be in a coma at the time (after having fallen on a grenade in order to spare the lives of six other servicemen) was not widely addressed. Patton was later taken aside by a nurse and gently upbraided for being the "actual coward" in the whole scenario. Patton responded to this criticism by stabbing her in the face.

"What the fuck are YOU lookin' at?"

1993: The Senate votes 96-3 to confirm Ruth Bader Ginsburg to the Supreme Court.

The three dissenting votes came from Conservative Senators Don Nickles (R-OK), Robert C. Smith (R-NH), and Jesse Helms (R-NC). All expressed concern over Ginsburg's ability to effectively serve as an Associate Justice to the U.S.' highest Judicial body, given her previously-demonstrated propensity to overindulge in alcoholic beverages on spring break, and then enthusiastically disrobe in front of any available video camera. This prompts her main champion President Bill Clinton to give a televised press conference explaining that this was the whole reason he picked her in the first place.

"What the fuck are YOU lookin' at?"

Great Moments in Fat History: The McGangBang

In the grease-stained annals of fat history, very few food items exemplify necessity-as-mother-of-invention quite like The McGangBang.

You see, for the truly devoted, even an historic economic downturn is no reason to board-up the feed trough.

A real saturated fat sycophant will find a way to eat more with less.

The Corpulence Express (passenger service to Adult Onset Diabetesville) will not be derailed.

Not on their watch.

So with $2.16 and a handful of Krackle Bar wrappers in their pocket, they slowly mount their freshly-charged fat scooter and set their course for fatty spendthrift Mecca: the McDonald's Value Menu.

What they come up with is equal parts disgusting and Girl Talk mash-up innovation:



The McGangBang.

An entire McChicken Sandwich slid in-between the all-beef patties of a double cheeseburger.

800 calories. 39 grams of fat. Again, all for $2.16 and whatever dignity you have left.

Truly, another Great Moment in Fat History.

For an extensive bio on the origins of the McGangBang, check out Eat Me Daily.

Friday Funk: Pete Philly & Perquisite

Holland's best hip hop export.


Hope f/ Talib Kweli



Third Degree


Mellow

Phun with Fotos: Adventures in Derogatory Daguerrotype

Ready for a bombshell? People get old.

This isn't news. Not really. It's been happening for as long as there've been people. Not that this dissuades the press any from gleefully scribbling inch after inch of gossip columns pointing this simple fact out. Although, in their defense, it's not like they necessarily feel the need to hide paparazzo in the bushes outside Carla T. Bumwipe's trailer on the outskirts of Rising Gorge, Arkansas, hoping to catch a few snaps of the increasingly-wrinkled hostess in her housecoat and curlers. No, they definitely go after deserving targets: Spotlight-seeking, appearance-obsessed celebrity types who whore themselves for the cameras their whole miserable lives. That is, until they start to show the normal wear and tear we all do, at which point they begin to realize the folly of their ways. Because summoning attention is easy. Getting rid of it when you don't want it? Ay, THERE'S the rub.

The latest attention-magnet who likely wishes she'd never sought out the spotlight is Madonna Louise Ciccone Alotta Fagina Fusilli D'Artagnian Marinara con Carne, better known simply by her stage name of, "Madonna."

Madonna (a.k.a., "Madonna").

Madonna can be said to be an "entertainer," but only in the loosest sense. She kinda sings. She dances, in a way. But her real appeal has always been physical. Madonna is considered "attractive" by many conventional standards, even now, and even though she is fifty years old.

It's not as though she's not aware of this fact. Heavens, no. She's always traded pretty heavily on her sex-kitten image, being as she herself even realizes that she isn't very talented in a musical sense.

Twenty years on, and "vogue" STILL isn't a verb.

In the early part of her career, she made no bones about her carefree sexual exploits. She dated notorious Lothario types like Warren Beatty. Her videos had her writhing around on beds, vamping it up in peep-show booths, and generally wearing next to nothing but strategically-torn fishnet, ace bandages, and eyeliner. She even came out with an infamous coffee-table book called "Sex," featuring photos of her wearing even less than that. And a repressed culture lapped it up.

However, as Madonna's idol Marylin Monroe once said, "Sooner or later, gravity catches up with all of us." And so Madonna has been doing a whole lot of not much except aging lately. And, to her credit, she's mostly been doing it very well. To the point where the preder-azzi have been working 'round the clock trying to catch the odd snap of her simply busy with the act of being elderly. Largely, they've had to content themselves with pictures like this:


Okay, fine. So she looks a little oldER. But she far from looks like shit. She might be old enough to be a grandma, but she'd still be the hottest grandma on the block.

Oh, wait...She's leaving her house again! Quick, to the Dick-Mobiles!


CHRIST. Where does she get off looking like a well-preserved cougar at your dad's company Christmas Party? That's not gonna sell tabloids, assholes! Better Get a little more on the stick, you shitheads.

Uh-oh. I got a tip that Madonna's leaving the gym! Away, away, my flying monkeys!


"For fuck's sake, Parker! I don't pay you incredibly-generous freelance pittances to give me pictures where she just looks a little TIRED. Everyone looks that way when they leave the health club! I want SCANDAL! Scandal is what sells papers! I-"

"Pull back a little, Mr. Jameson."

"Well, I hardly see what THAT has to do with -"

"Just...Do it, sir."

"Okay, Parker, I'll humor you."

"Please do."

"Oh...OH my GOD..."


"Here's your check, Parker. Now please...If you see that out on the street again...Kill it. Kill it with FIRE."

"Yes, Mr. Jameson."

Personally, I don't know what's worse...Aging gracefully, fighting it and winding up with arms that look like the losing entry at the County Fair taffy-pulling contest, or living in a culture where it matters one way or the other WHAT we choose.

All I do know is that I will see Madonna in my nightmares. I just hope I wake up before she finishes strangling me with those repulsive, veiny tentacles of hers.

Bill Brasky once killed a bear that tried to break into his house…

Maybe those 2nd Amendment zealots aren't so far off after all:

Click here for story

Gun control will do nothing but leave honest, hard-working Americans completely susceptible to bear attacks. You hear that? Bears. Now you're putting the whole country at risk.

Diary Decree: The law according to the Diary, as governed after our inevitable world takeover.

Diary Decree #1

To stem abuse, the exclamation point will stop working on all keyboard devices after 3 in a row.

Therefore things can only be 1. exciting (burritos!) 2. really exciting (it's a boy!!) or 3. super exciting (she's not pregnant!!!)

The Case to Prosecute George W. Bush, as Made by George W. Bush

"Our entire system of justice relies on people telling the truth. And if a person does not tell the truth, particularly if he serves in government and holds the public trust, he must be held accountable."

- George W. Bush, 2007, on his refusal to pardon Scooter Libby - Dick Cheney's former Chief of Staff - for obstruction and perjury charges related to the leak of the identity of CIA officer Valerie Plame

Weekend Wake-up Call: Health Care

By Blaine Fridley, MD

The "debate" (read: political pissing match - "Red Team's best! No, Blue Team's best! {slapfight}) has ramped-up over the last few months.

(Above)Republicans and Democrats debate healthcare reform.

And during that time, a lot - A LOT - of bullshit has been disseminated over the cable news networks (nice change of pace, yeah?) about the best health care option for our country.

In the end, it boils down to minor differences between the Red and Blue Teams on just how, exactly, they'll continue to allow the insurance bullies to steal our lunch money.

Obama's plan is less of a relief from said bullies than a mandate to give in to them - ie "everybody has to have it." No word yet on how the poorest of the working poor plan on obtaining the money to do that. Obama has casually and cryptically mentioned some sort of government assistance with that, just not any real ideas.

The Republican ideas are just as bad, but they lack the President's (admittedly effective) egalitarian language.

Their-ahem-differences, though, have inspired painfully hilarious remarks like this bellylaffer from the King of Comedy, RNC Chair Michael Steele:

BAAAaHAHAHAHAHA! Motherfucker doesn't even waste 1 second on set-up, he goes straight for the big yuks from the moment he opens his mouth:

"We don't allow one man to roll the dice with our entire nation"

Allow me to retort:

Per usual, about the only person thinking and speaking logically about this from within our government is Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinich (the man who could be president if we could all just resist the urge to pinch his cheeks, tussle his hair and carry him around in our pocket, periodically feeding him Pepperridge Farm Goldfish).

He recently proposed an amendment to the healthcare bill giving individual states the right to create their own single-payer system if there's public support for it. And, as you'll see in this interview with DemocracyNow!'s Amy Goodman (the best g-damn journalist alive) there is plenty.