This Day in History: August 3rd

1492: Christopher Columbus sets sail from Spain on a voyage that would take him to the present-day Americas.

Notable successes: Navigating cross-Atlantic ocean route, not getting scurvy, making effective landfall, being the first European to contact indigenous Westerners, and then, moments later, to consider how they might most effectively be subjugated.

Notable failures: Discovering actual viable spice-trade route to the Indies, bringing syphilis back to Spain, possessing anything remotely resembling human compassion or decency.

"What the fuck are YOU lookin' at?"

1943: Gen. George S. Patton slaps a private at an army hospital in Sicily, accusing him of cowardice.

The fact that the private in question happened to be in a coma at the time (after having fallen on a grenade in order to spare the lives of six other servicemen) was not widely addressed. Patton was later taken aside by a nurse and gently upbraided for being the "actual coward" in the whole scenario. Patton responded to this criticism by stabbing her in the face.

"What the fuck are YOU lookin' at?"

1993: The Senate votes 96-3 to confirm Ruth Bader Ginsburg to the Supreme Court.

The three dissenting votes came from Conservative Senators Don Nickles (R-OK), Robert C. Smith (R-NH), and Jesse Helms (R-NC). All expressed concern over Ginsburg's ability to effectively serve as an Associate Justice to the U.S.' highest Judicial body, given her previously-demonstrated propensity to overindulge in alcoholic beverages on spring break, and then enthusiastically disrobe in front of any available video camera. This prompts her main champion President Bill Clinton to give a televised press conference explaining that this was the whole reason he picked her in the first place.

"What the fuck are YOU lookin' at?"