by Blaine Fridley, No Longer Welcomed at Neighborhood Gym
Last week at the gym, I accidentally watched CBS. Which, unless being subjected to an advanced interrogation technique, is the only way I'm ever going to watch CBS. In all honesty, I was a tad bit surprised to learn that it still existed. Andy Rooney, too, apparently.
Well, on that particular evening, the Columbia Broadcasting System was airing a brutally-named program called The New Adventures of Old Christine starring the former Ms. Elaine Benes - Julia Louis-Dreyfus - as "Old Christine."
After catching a glimpse of the now 48 year-old comedic actress, I quickly thought of a new title and mailed it off to CBS president Leslie Moonves: ¡SPOOGE!
Good christ, she's fine as all hell (No word back yet from Leslie on that title change, btw. But I don't imagine him arguing the point that ¡SPOOGE! is a far superior title).
And then while browsing the gym's magazine rack for the newest copy of Ebony, I'm slapped in the face with this rack:
Daaaaamn, Elaine!
I said, shit! Goddamn!
Wha ha happen'd?
Don't you know you're supposed to be OLD?
I should be reading your pamphlet on the ravages of Osteoporosis, not rubbing one out at the gym to your Shape Magazine cover. (Note: Be on the look out for my next post: The Top Ways to Get Your Gym Membership Revoked. Hint: don't rub one out on the elliptical machine. Also don't resist arrest so you can "finish" before being taken into custody. That only exacerbates the problem).
In fact, Julia Louis-Dreyfus is way more of a boner threat now than she was 20 years ago.
See?
I suspect some sort of performance enhancing drugs are at play.
After all, this kind of late-career surge is almost unprecedented.
Almost.
Conclusion:
Julia Louis-Dreyfus is the Barry Bonds of female sitcom actresses.
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7 comments:
Furthermore, if Manny Ramirez is taking Female hormones to increase his steroid levels, thus raising his testosterone levels, one may conclude JLD is taking testosterone to offset the ravages of age (as testosterone is what also goes in men, which is why old dudes are such pussies.)
Vis a vis. Bitch must be poppin shark hormones.
Its truly the only answer.
Or weekly visits to the plastic surgeon.
No but seriously, the fact that she wore her hair like a homeless Dane for years also is a big factor. She got noticeably hotter when they gave her a decent haircut towards the end of Seinfeld.
Not particularly hot, but not nasty anymore.
"Or weekly visits to the plastic surgeon."
See, I'm thinkin' that's not the case. Most Hollywood chicks that pop in to "Doctor" Bob's Nippin' Tuckery get either the frozen-face look (a-la Nicole Kidman) or they just start to look like human versions of the shitty ten-dollar caricatures the depressed art-school dropouts at Six Flags shit out: gigantic lips, razor-thin noses and hairlines like beach erosion (see the frightening death mask that used to be Nikki Cox...or, better yet, don't).
Julia-Louis Dreyfus, on the other hand, appears to be defying aging without shooting her face full of toxins and her lips full of knockwurst. Or, at least if she IS getting some surgical help, she's doing it RIGHT - as in, it's so subtle, you don't actually notice it. As a result, she's a star that's like an ACTUAL star: constantly getting hotter.
I prefer to think of it as "Helen Mirren Syndrome." Now THAT is a fine slice of Social Security-collecting ass if there EVER was one. I'd donate any organ I have two of to medical science to get her and Raquel Welch in a GILF-a-licious three-way.
Don't you DARE judge me. You would, too.
Hey Merton,
That growing unease you've been feeling is me judging you. Yes YOU! Let's face it, when marrying Jay Mohr is a MASSIVE upgrade in appropriateness from your former fiancé (Bobcat Goldthwait fer crissakes) you're doomed to make poor plastic-surgery choices. Julia's transformation from not-hideous to misdemeanor inducing attractive merely means one thing…anyone, with the financial backing of a major network can afford to become attractive. Except contributors to this site…if you're here your gonna stay as ugly as you are.
oh yes, JLD definetly got her second wind somewhere around 42 and has tapped into that Lena Horne/Helen Mirren Age Ain't Nothin' But A Number pool.
And as for Jay Mohr, when he called himself clownin' Michelle Obama a few weeks back, every dude in the tri-state area probably thought the same exact thing...
"Dude, have you seen YOUR wife, lately?"
Good Lord, he's worse on his women than George Bush, Sr.
Someone should make a graph of Sigourney Weaver's hotness over time; it would have more peaks and valleys than the Himalayas.
weaver? peaks and valleys? really? i'm thinkin' more "nebraska highway" than anything.
Compare Ghostbusters, Alien, and Galaxy Quest, and whatever other random crap she was in in the late '80s early '90s.
Alien = Hot
Then there is a long dark valley. Then, decades later:
Galaxy Quest = Somehow hotter
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