Merton Sussex, Fifth Horseman of the ApocalypseLet me state for the record that this is a real product. It's not an SNL spoof, a practical joke or an April Fool's prank. You can buy this. And I'm sure some people have.
Ladies and Genitals, I present: "Cheers to You."
I don't have the words.
The sort of people who would buy this are the same people who rely on the laugh tracks on sitcoms to tell them when something is funny. The same sort of people who carefully read the directions every time they use a Band-Aid. They're the whole reason why Velcro shoes were invented.
Look, thanks to life and its travails, we all eat a ration of shit once in awhile. Sometimes, more than our fair share. But if you're so hard-of-thinking that a disembodied voice accompanied by curtain-call noises is all it takes to shatter your funk? I'm guessing you could stand to eat just a little more. I'd even be willing to share some of MINE with you, because you're clearly not getting enough.
Oh, and as long as I'm on the subject...Why didn't I think of this?!? I'd have sold you a recording of an ass-load of empty, non-specific sunshiny fluff over clapping people for HALF what these schmucks are getting. Christ, for twenty-five bucks, I'll come to your house PERSONALLY and tell you to your FACE that you're not a loser...even though if you need to pay for a service like that, you automatically are. Toss in a beer and/or a sandwich, and I'll even use your fucking name. Let's see a CD beat a level of personalized service like that! If ANYONE'S going to part that fool and his money, I want a piece of the action.
Of course, it's entirely possible that the makers of these little idiot-pacifying platters are laughing so hard on the way to the bank that they're hemorrhaging blood. Maybe it's just me, but the cheesy little "Hooray for YOOOOU!" that gets Scooter and his surplus of chromosomes up out of that chair at the end there sounds a little Christian Bale-esque, doesn't it?
"Oh, GOOOD for YOOOOOU!"
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3 comments:
Hey, Mert, for the $25.00 a full meal and several beers will you come over and give the whole "you're not a loser" spiel in front of my wife and kids. It may be just the thing to convince them it's true!
I would totally pay Merton to come over to my apartment and tell me I'm not a loser, sandwich and beer complimentary . . . do I have to pay the airfare?
Lucy: Pish-tosh. You have no need of my services.
Askov: How's Monday for you? Seven-ish? No Hotdish.
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