Your "Ewww!" of the Week

Oh, Jesus CHRIST.

I first heard rumblings of this in the tabloids a few weeks ago, but you know how tabloids are. They slander and speculate, and if they're wrong (which they are 98.5% of the time) they just say they got some bad information. But when they're right, they never let you forget it. The Enquirer, f'rinstance, usually busies themselves with inventing new euphemisms for "obese" in order to write about Kirstie Alley, but they'll no doubt be calling attention to the "fact" that they supposedly "broke" the John Edwards affair well before the traditional media for years to come. And Perez Hilton may spend most of his day using MS Paint to ham-fisted'ly draw pixelated spunk onto Hugh Jackman's upper lip, but the only time his mouth isn't running about how he was the first one to "out" Lance Bass is while he has a cock jammed into it.

But. This is one instance where I REALLY wish they'd been wrong...But it doesn't seem like they were. Because the rumblings are getting louder. It's now being picked up by legitimate Fourth Estate entities that, apparently, Morgan Freeman is fucking his step-granddaughter E'dena Hines.

Let me just let that sink in for a minute.

Morgan Freeman. Is fucking. His STEP-GRANDDAUGHTER.

And yes. It's THAT Morgan Freeman.

OH MY GOD ARE YOU SERIOUS WHAT THE HELL

Morgan Freeman. "Red" Redding. Hoke Colburn. "Easy Reader." GOD. Morgan Freeman is so well-respected, so possessed of rationality, depth and intelligence that if you look up "gravitas" in the dictionary, there's a picture of his face next to it. He's been Hollywood's go-to-guy for zen-like, elder-statesman authority for what seems like decades.

And now...he's fucking his step-granddaughter. And I'm gonna keep saying that until I believe it. Especially because it gets WORSE.

Morgan Freeman is 73. E'dena is 27. Sure, whatever. Not that it wouldn't STILL be creepier than shit even if they WEREN'T related, but lopsided-age relationships happen often enough that someone coined the cutesy term "May-December romance" specifically to describe them. However, most reports that are discussing this even in the legitimate media all reveal the following nugget of revolting intel:

"Sources claim the 73-year-old carried on a decade-long affair with his 27-year-old step-granddaughter E'Dena Hines."

A decade. That's 10 years. And she's 27. Now, I wasn't a math major by any stretch of the imagination, but my desk at Diary HQ came equipped with a fucking calculator. For those of you who are a little slower on the uptake, that means he's been slipping her the sausage since she was a junior in High School.

Still not thoroughly off your feed yet? Because I'm not finished.

"E'dena is the granddaughter of Morgan's first wife Jeanette, and Freeman and his estranged second wife Myrna had raised her since she was a young child."

So. That means he had brought her up from a young age, in his home, as though she were his daughter. And then, somewhere around the time when the ink was still drying on her driver's license, he was already dragging her into the back seat. In other words, there was a day approximately in the neighborhood of back-to-school shopping for Freshman year when Freeman had to have looked at her and thought to himself, "Boy...she's really starting to fill out."

I don't think I am ever...EVER going to stop throwing up.

To make matters even MORE socially-unacceptable, photos like the one at left are the ones all of the wire services are attaching to this story. Why? Well, because they've already got 'em on file. And, um...WHY? Because for some time, he's been bringing her along as his "date" to premieres and other red-carpet-type shit. Which, of course, nobody batted an eyelash over at the time. Matt Damon escorted his mother to the Oscars for a couple of years. I'm pretty sure Tom Hanks and Bruce Willis have tux'ed it up for the paparazzi with their daughters a few times each. So when Morgan Freeman did it, everyone said the same thing they did when the other guys squired relatives to glitzy events. "Aww. That is sweet and adorable. Look at what a great relationship he has with his family."

Except it ISN'T cute. At least, not in THIS instance. Whatever the fucking diametrically-opposed extreme OPPOSITE of "cute" is...this is it. Because even though what's happening with Freeman casts just the FAINTEST shadow of doubt on this opinion, I'm still willing to bet that Matt Damon wasn't porking his mom in the limo on the way over.

And the apologists and P.R. people are probably already firing up the Excuse-O-Meter. "Well, it's not TECHNICALLY incest, because they're not BLOOD relatives," the pooh-pooh'ers will say. "And they're both currently of legal age, so why not leave 'em alone?"

Because regardless of the fucking DNA involved, he raised this girl as his DAUGHTER, for chrissakes. Would you be any LESS shocked if it came out that Kurt Russell had been playing "Tickle the Pickle" with Kate Hudson? Hey, they're not technically related, either. Sure, she calls him "Dad," and he's been the only real father figure she's ever known, but he's not her BIOLOGICAL father! No big deal, right? He's never even married Goldie Hawn, so it's not even like it would be adultery! Yeah, anyone making THAT argument would be backed away from slowly and crossed off your Christmas card list, wouldn't they?

And besides, if you think about your relationship with your OWN kids (or if you don't have any, your own parents), you might start to get a sense of what's so very, very WRONG with this. Because at some point, he stopped making her peanut-butter sandwiches, and started buttering her muffin. At some point, he took her shopping for a REAL bra to replace her training bra, and was secretly delighted at how ripe her tits were getting.

At some point, he hugged her good-bye when she left for prom...and he had a hard-on.

If there's ANY silver lining to this story, it's that at the very least, the ever-present "anonymous sources" that constantly provide grist to the Tinsel-town rumor mill seem to indicate the following:

"Once source revealed: 'Morgan has led her to believe that he wants to marry her.' and another source says, 'Becoming Mrs. Morgan Freeman has been E'Dena's goal'."

Oh, good. At least the cleaning lady or chauffeur seems to feel as though Freeman intends to make an honest woman out of the step-granddaughter he raised from childhood, and has been penis'ing since puberty. So, there's that.

I suppose the big question is going to be: "How will this affect his career?" Once this gets out, it remains to be seen whether audiences will continue to accept him, given the sorts of roles he typically gets cast in. Will calm wisdom delivered in a stern-yet-compassionately understanding baritone somehow carry less weight when we know it's a put-on? Will we nod solemnly at a life lesson learned when it's obvious that there's "acting" happening? Will the warm feeling of sage-like serenity still be conveyed even after we're well-aware that the actor delivering the lines ACTUALLY has judgment on par with the average pantsless turbo-loser scouring internet chat-rooms, and pitching revoltingly clumsy woo at girls who still have braces and listen to the Jonas Brothers? Time will tell, I suppose. The only real precedent for this sort of thing is the Woody Allen situation, and it's not as though putting "Li'l Woody" to HIS decades-younger non-blood relative has necessarily ended his viability in the film industry.

But I'll still bet parents with teenage daughters cross the street when they see him coming.

"Get busy livin', or get busy bumpin' uglies with the girl who couldn't stop
kissing you when you gave her My Little Ponies for her tenth birthday."