Dear America,

Look.

When you're living in the USA these days, shit is hectic. I get that.

I really do:

1. Two wars being fought

2. Economy still deeeeep, deep in the shitter

3. A fucked up medical care situation

4. Shawn Merriman and Tila Tequila

5. And on and on…

But with that said, some of you need to start composing your shit a little bit, don't you think?

"Here, let me handle this… "Calm down! Get ahold of yourself, America!" slap!slap!

Take a breath.

Have some cookies and a warm glass of milk. Maybe turn on some Enya.

Turn to the person next to you and ask for a gentle belly rub.

I mean, I understand passion worth fighting for, and being so diametrically opposed to an argument that it starts stimulating your long-placated Neanderthal sensibilities; when a political stance triggers the same reflex that commandeers your brain the moment someone starts messing with your girl or a family member: You just. Want. To kick. Their. Ass... Now.

I've been there. Trust me, I've been there. I come from the state of Michelle Bachman for the sake of sweet baby Jesus.

I know what it's like to want to call a politician out at the top of my lungs and hold him/her accountable, face to face.

But here is where I feel I start taking a departure from the virulent strain of townhall nutjobs currently infecting public discourse:

Before I open my mouth I ask myself, "Self, will what you are about to shout at the top of your lungs help the progress of this debate in any way? Also, am I stupid?"

(Above) "BROWN MAN MAKE ANGRY!!!"

Almost without fail, the answers are, respectively, "no" and "yes", so I put the zip-lock baggy with my birth certificate back in my pocket and shut the hell up, allowing those with constructive observations and ideas to speak (in their indoor voices) instead.

See, you may feel like you're becoming "passionately involved" with the democratic process when you shout down speakers at healthcare town halls or call the president Hitler, but in reality, by talking loud and saying nothing, you're destroying it - and, in regard to the healthcare debate, impeding reform that needs to happen. A majority of the country is calling for it. Medical professionals are calling for it. What kind of reform and the details of said reform are obviously what cause a stir.

And that, is where healthy debate becomes a useful thing. Healthy debate does not include drowning out viewpoints of others by shouting over them like some sort of fucking retard. That's not how debate works outside of The O'Reilly Factor.

Why not hammer out these details and move this issue closer to compromise? No one on either extreme is going to have it their way. That's the challenge of living in a country as diverse as America. Personally, I'd like to see a single payer system. But the realist in me knows that won't happen. If I dig my feet in and the people on the other end of the spectrum dig their fit in and both sides refuse to budge, we gain nothing. We're stuck with the same insanely dysfunctional medical system.

The important thing to remember - especially on this issue - is that just because a proposal isn't ideal, that doesn't mean it's not an improvement. And that really should be the goal here - improvements, not perfection.

And for those unfamiliar with how one goes about a healthy debate, here's a beginner's guide to assist you:

1. Listen
2. Make notes of things you agree upon and things you don't
3. For the things you don't, detail why you think it's misguided and offer alternatives
4. Repeat until compromise (ie nobody is happy) is reached

Until recently, I thought the above basics were common knowledge among our elected representatives. Last Wednesday's presidential address proved otherwise.

To get straight to the crux of the matter, fuck you, South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson (R).

This was Obama's chance to directly address the public without the cable news slant. To cut through the arguments being made that his official stance on health insurance reform is ambiguous at best. Clear the air. Present a blueprint.

Now whether he accomplished the above or not during Wednesday's address is up for debate. But, in relation to your asinine outburst, it's quite apart from the point.

Even with all the avenues of immediate communication at our disposal (twitter, Facebook, blogs, texts and on and on), you felt you needed to interrupt his speech RIGHT THEN AND THERE, to shout the most redundant and tired of all political accusations ("You lied!").

"A politician? Accused of lying? Now I've heard everything!"

Now, what, Joe Wilson, gave you the idea that shouting down the president in the middle of a formal address was a normal, acceptable thing to do?

When was the last time you heard a president heckled in the middle of an address to a joint session and the entire country?

Go ahead,

I'll hang out while I give you a moment or two to think about it. In the meantime, you know what to play, Sam.

"Charles in Charge again, Mr. Blaine?"

Yes, Charles in Charge again, Sam. Nobody in town plays it better.

"OK then, Mr. Blaine, right away…"

Aaaaand of course, the answer is "zero". Zero times you remember a president being interrupted by a member of congress while addressing the nation, because it's insanely fucking rude, tacky and unproductive.

Instead of setting a tone of civilized, constructive debate for your constituents, you had to go all Kanye on it and become just another shouting retard at a townhall meeting.

"And your rebuttal, Rep. Wilson?"

"LOOUUD NOISES!"

And that's the most disillusioning part of the political climate right now. Elected representatives doing all they can, not to be part of this (or any) vital solution (and aside from our bloated, overly-aggressive military, their are few things hindering this country as much as our current healthcare system) but to kill the other team's ideas and hopefully, approval ratings.

And sadly, many of us continue to take the bait.

You see, in an odd turn, instead of the elected representing the people, the people have seemingly become brainwashed into doing the dirty work of the elected. This is what happens when electioneering, not public service, becomes the main focus of our government. We become pawns of the never-ending (smear) campaign of whatever side we decided to align ourselves with based on what cable news personalities we like the best.

When you show up at an organized debate or townhall meeting and you interrupt it with ill-informed, non-sensical shouting because Glenn Beck told you Obama wants to kill your grandma, you have become a pawn.

When Keith Olbermann's foam-mouthed (but highly entertaining) diatribe has you thinking the GOP is evil incarnate and the wellspring of all nefarious political plots, you have become a pawn.

And when you're Florida GOP chairman Jim Greer stating that Obama's Sept. 8 back-to-school speech was the president's plan to "indoctrinate America's children to his socialist agenda", you have failed your public office by using it as a means not to actually work for your voting base, but as a platform for blatant demagoguery. In layman's terms, you sir, are an asshat. An asshat abusing your office as a means for re-election, not progress.

So relax, for a minute, America.

Take a step back and observe.

The Red Team and the Blue Team aren't helping us… they're playing us against each other.

If you're going to be mad, be mad about that.

Think about it. Most of us in this country are in the same boat. We work for a modest living and demand little more than food, shelter, easy access to porn, alcohol and firearms and the right to routine medical check-ups without putting your daughter to work as a drug mule to pay for it.

I know it may be hard to believe, but underneath all the shouting, there is a common voice…

… now if someone could just shut this crazy bitch up, we'd be able to hear it:

Yours in sexxxy democracy,