Urinalysis: a multi-part study of the behaviors, codes, customs and characters of the workplace restroom

In this episode: The Over-social Urinal Partner.

For most people, working in an office setting does not allow much time for silent reflection. Between phone calls, emails, cubicle "pop-ins" and, for 18% of the American workforce, actual work, it hardly leaves time for quiet reflection.

Which is why trips to the bathroom should be cherished. With just a ween in hand and a ceramic tile wall to stare at, that precious :20 - 2:00 (depending on coffee intake) is all yours to ponder, meditate and muse… away from the distractions and stress of modern-day office minutiae.

That is, until that guy pulls in to the stall next to you. And at that point, "me-time" is over and your urinal turns into The Tonight Show couch.

(Above) Quiet time.

Flapping his gums before his stream even hits the pink toilet mint, he starts chatting you up, acting like it's the office Christmas party instead of what it is:

2 guys with their cocks out, standing next to each other with maybe a foot separating them. A 2"-thick, 3' foot tall metal barrier does not change this fact.

I realize proper office etiquette dictates that any eye contact you make with a co-worker MUST be immediately followed-up with no less than :30 of inane "I hate Mondays" chatter. That's cool. I'm generally social and affable.

But when my dick's out, please, just shut the fuck up. We'll catch-up later at the paper towel dispenser.