Pseudo-Celebrity Halloween Costume Roundup

Ah, celebrities. They're just plain BETTER than us regular folk, aren't they? That's why asshole paparazzi follow them around 24/7. Because even if all they're doing is sucking down some overpriced sushi at some suck-up hipster joint that'll close within a month, it's just so much more glamorous than if WE were doing it. Because they're FAMOUS!

Unfortunately, part of the problem of these fame-whore fucks getting photo-stalked every moment they're awake is that we sometimes are forced to confront how lame they can be. And at no time of year is this more evident than at Halloween. See, celebrities don't get enough of dressing up and playing pretend at movie sets, concert halls and fucking Los Angeles in general, so they still go all-out on All-Hallow's. So I thought it would be fun to take a look at a few of them.

Let's, shall we?

1) Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon


Oh...kay. It seems as though Squeaky McCougarboobs and her Child Bride have decided to pay homage to our country's heroic firefighters. And, admittedly, Nick hasn't screwed it up THAT hard. If I saw him on the street, he might actually be able to pass for the real deal, if not for the fact that he's fucking twelve. But Mariah? Yeah, she blew it as hard as she blew Tommy Mottola at her recording contract negotiations. If you went to put down a four-alarm apartment fire in THAT getup, you'd start to think "Backdraft" was a documentary right around the same time the radiant heat from ten feet outside the front door started to melt your implants.

Score: 6/10

2) Jeremy Piven


Scuttlebutt around the Hollywood office water cooler is that Jeremy Piven doesn't just play a massive cock on television, but that his performances are reasonably convincing being as he draws on his experience as an actual real-life penis-munch. Must be a "method" thing.

Anyway, here he is dressed up as an offensive racial stereotype. Although, to be far, it's not like he really put all that much effort into it. A hastily-cut hole in the middle of your hallway rug does not a serape make, you rectum. But hey, at least you also didn't bother wearing a sombrero, so the Latino Anti-Defamation League won't have to bury you in an anthill right up to your receding hairline.

Score: 2/10.

3) Audrina Patridge


Here we have someone named "Audrina Patridge." To be honest, I have zero idea who in the hell she is. However, I'm assured she's quite famous, for some reason nobody can actually articulate. After looking at several other pictures of her on the "internet," it appears as though her "talent" consists of never looking directly into a camera lens while being photographed. I'm not really sure how marketable that is, but it must be worth something, or she wouldn't pop up everywhere like Herpes at a bath house.

Despite this, I include this picture mostly to demonstrate that whoever or whatever she is, she's a goddamned idiot. The reason I say that is that she's apparently dressed like a "peacock." Of course, as anyone with even an ASSOCIATE'S in Ornithology knows, "peacocks" are always male. Hell, even people with a passing interest in the Audubon guide understand that when it comes to most of our fine feathered friends, the male of the species usually sports the more impressive plumage as a secondary sex characteristic intended to help them attract a mate. Only peaCOCKS have that fanning, shimmery tail. Female peacocks are called "peahens," and they're actually mostly gray. So, if you wanna break it down, she's sort of a peacock...in drag...or something. I guess. I dunno. Whatever. I've already spent way too much time thinking about someone who I care less about than I do about whether or not the lint filter on my dryer vent needs cleaning.

Score: 5/10

4) Nadya "Octomom" Suleman


I am assured that this is real. And for once, I have absolutely nothing to say. So...I'm just gonna leave this right here.

Score: 0/10

5) Rob and Marisol Thomas


Here we have Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas, and his wife Marisol. Now, despite the fact that Rob Thomas is kind of a top-40 corporate wimp-rock whore, he's actually pulled out a win here, gearing up as a "Baseball Fury" from the 1979 gang-war cult flick "The Warriors." And I'll be damned if I'm not forced to admit that this is actually pretty cool. He even accessorized with a Louisville Slugger. Golf clap, dude.

Of course, as a team, there's a bit of fail happening here...Because if Rob was going as a Fury, then his wife should have opted for a compatible counterpoint. All it would've taken would be an arm-sling, pink camisole top, and tan trenchcoat, and boom: instant "Mercy." Even more fun would be a leather "Warriors" vest with no shirt on underneath (which would be pretty hot, but still offer decent lady-parts coverage) and some torn jeans. Hell, feather your hair, stick a switchblade into your belt and go as a "Lizzie," for Christ's sake. And that's just off the top of my head. Instead, she's just topped off what she would wear any other weekend with a cheesy wig, and fallen back on the generic "Sexy _________" 98% of women dress up as for Tricks and Treats. Boo. F-minus for effort.

Even so...You win THIS round, Thomas. I will not be shoving that bat up your ass and turning you into a popsicle THIS time. But I've got my eye on you.

Score: 6/10

6) Speidi


Oh, dear sweet n' crispy Jesus Q. Christ in a fucking chicken basket.

Yes, this is what it appears to be. This is the two most useless carbon-based lifeforms in the entire universe (Spencer and Heidi Pratt), dressed up as the SECOND most useless: Jon and Kate Gosselin. Yes, really.

Y'know, this post might just as well have gone up under the heading of "The Day I Lost Faith in Humanity." Because I firmly believe that you are looking at the absolute nadir of the whole of Western culture right...up...there. It's as if the entire douche-o-sphere finally divided by zero and started to eat itself all at once. In fact, the only thing that could actually complete the circle is if the Gosselins reunited for one evening, and went to a costume party dressed as Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar.

And that, my friends, would open the Seventh Seal.

Score: -47/10