Diary of Fools Guide to Poisoning your Soul: Vol. 1. Rock of Love 2

By Reno Gruber, Contributing Hobo

Rock of Love 2 Featuring Bret Michaels.

If you missed it, you apparently hate yourself and for that I am kind of worried about your health. You don’t know it, but you missed out on the worst thing ever(which not so coincidentally means you missed out on a hell of a television show.) But don’t get all suicidal, there is many an all-day marathon planned…this is VH1 we’re talking about here; Celebrity Fit Club only has so many episodes. But as the title suggests, this is the second offering of this cultural masterpiece- which means that shockingly, the first go-around didn’t solicit the former Poison front-man a lasting chance at love. Michaels had to decide between an off-putting 34 year old stripper who drank like Keith Richards and looked like a Blonde…Keith Richards and Jes, a Chicago hairstylist who was half his age, ¼ his weight and actually seemed pretty cool…and maybe out of his league. Turned out she thought so too, dumped him at the reunion show and suggested he was better off with the haggard stripper from Las Vegas (North, I presume.)

This year meant that VH1 and Bret Michaels both conceded they hit the jackpot last year with white America’s answer to Flavor of Love, so it’s safe to assume that Bret wasn’t too heartbroken when the waif-like Jes darted for smaller, but probably more tasteful things. He again introduced us to twenty of the least diverse/most predictable reminders why fathers everywhere should pay attention to their daughters for as long as they can. Hold on Fathers, or you will see them soon crooning your nearest reality show on the community stripper pole of rock stars that aged like fine milk. The first couple of episodes are a mess, where the producers’ hand-picked train-wrecks are poised to earn their per diem, and play their role of hilarious whores that are somehow not good enough for the remaining members of Great White (too soon?) It’s hard to remember what happens besides the formula of probable disease + predictable dance moves x Cabo Wabo by the gallon = mega ratings? The girls clamor to get to know Bret, while he walks around making awful one-liners that would cause any normal man to find fleeting salvation in his palms. I think I heard him point at “boobies” and say “me likey” at least four times. Apparently singing ‘Unskinny Bop’ over the years does NOT help your verbal ‘game’ with the ladies. Of course these ladies think it is the greatest thing they have ever heard. But it’s safe to say these women would either not notice/care if Bret Michaels was quietly replaced by Dee Snyder, Richard Marx or Chuck Woolery. They done seen him on Tee Veeee!

But the star of the show is also the thing that must be on the first line of Mr. Michael’s contract; Bret’s wig and its unconscionable absence in any discussion from anyone. I assume if anyone mentioned the “W word” production comes to a similar halt that my dancing does when I hear his music (immediate, with disregard for personal health.) Being a sloppy late-twenties man, I can’t exactly spot a weave. So its safe to think if I can, it’s one found at paper warehouse a few weeks into November in the dollar bin. I like to think Bret actually picked up a Bret Michaels wig from a lonely kiosk in some Rhode Island mall and got an empty compliment when he wore it. He seems disillusioned enough to slap a Steven Tyler silk bandana around it and just “Rock.” The first two episodes are pretty entertaining, but hardly notable. It’s obvious there are girls there that are merely paid to be a complete joke (wait, aren’t they all?) Cue the myriad of third generation porn “stars.” Its not shocking a show like this wouldn’t take it self seriously, but it’d be easier to call it hilarious if it wasn’t so aware of how bad it was. Concurrently, that’s exactly why American Gladiators sucked so badly. It DID take itself seriously...they just never get it right do they?

Anyhow the eventual winner is pretty much eliminated in the first episode, but some awful, haggard looking girl quits for no reason and Ambre (the winner, also an actress; weird, I know,) gets the pity “VIP pass.” They say the word destiny about 40 times before it’s over, and I was waiting for God just to annihilate the entire zip code that filming was in, but I assume he has bigger fish to fry at the moment (Cheney, wear a rain coat.)

There are 3 “hot” girls, all with more daddy issues than Patty Hurst and Paris Hilton combined. Kristy Joe, a cute brunette until you take a second look and see she has maybe the greatest case of “crazy face” ever witnessed on TV. The next spin-off should be a competition to see if anyone can look into her eyes and see any semblance of a soul. Daisy was your conventional tattooed rocker girl, and later we find she is the bastard niece of Oscar De La Hoya. She’s kind of cute, then you hear her talk, then you look at her again…then she keeps talking, then you take the nearest living thing and end its life force. The greatest laugh of the season was when she revealed that she also fucked CC Deville (also in Poison, also looks like Tina Yothers.) The nearly cute one was Megan, a tall, familiar looking girl that matches Kristy Jo’s dead look, and raises it with a vacant nothingness of a personality that plagues all too many women that have been told they were attractive once too many times in high school. I come to find out she was on “Beauty and the Geek” last year and actually won it. So yes failed actresses, you too can have an acting career shabbily playing yourself while chewing the scenery on the way! The only one legitimately cute was Jessica, who was completely ignored in the shows editing despite making it to the final 4. No time for cute girls when you have tramps to laugh at!

But the most fun I had laughing at, of all the women, happened to be the unreal duo of Peyton and Catherine. Peyton has to be the oldest 34 year old alive. I assume she had smoked a pack and a half of pall malls while tanning 5 hours a day since 82. Where last year they had someone that could be a blond Keith Richards, Peyton actually was Keith Richards. Rumor has it the army is trying to clone her skin as a prototype for a new type of bullet protecting armor. Seriously, I don’t care how much you care about personality, how this bitch got on any TV show can be only explained in two words. Blow and Job. Completely unreal and she lasted until like the final 7, outlasted somehow by Elvira, wait Catherine. Catherine was older than Bret, and was probably hot when Foghat was kicking ass that wasn’t the Apple Valley Bowling Alley. (Maybe the 1977 slow ride tour? I assume this again was the producers playing a funny on us, but seriously- I was insulted. I am not looking for Rock of Love to show me the exploits of how love conquers all, and how anyone can find love. If anyone does please stop reading this, find a butter knife and kindly insert it into your brain.

I was going to re-cap the whole show, but that would somehow make me more pathetic. Just know that in the end he had a chance between two different cases of fetal alcohol syndrome. Daisy, the rocker chick with eyes nearing her temples and Ambre (yes, she fucking spells her name Ambre) who’s eyes made her look like a live-action Kathy cartoon. He picked close eyes over far eyes. She cried, he looked like he just chose to have a tuna sub instead of cold cut combo.

Let the world erase this from their brains immediately.

Thanks for the memories, Bret. See ya next year when you find your Rock of Love in a bottle of Malibu laced with Propecia and Viagra.

Diary of Fools brought to you by:

FOX NEWS. The louder you report it. The truer it must be.

World View: The Dastardly Dalai Lama

By Blaine Fridley, Editor-in-Chief

When one hears the words "Dalai Lama", the immediate thought is, of course... "terrorist".

Umm...well, it is if you're Chinese president Hu Jintao and you're more insanely out-of-touch and batshit crazy than a puree of Amy Winehouse, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Andy Dick all mixed up in a bucket.

In a recent New York Times article, Jintao explains China's heavy-handed response to Tibetan protesters as a necessary measure to protect his country's people and, um, "sovereignty" that is endangered by the brutally thuggish Lama and his clan of terror operatives/monks, stating:

"No responsible government will sit idle for such crimes,
which encroach human rights, gravely disrupt social order and gravely jeopardize
the life and property security of the masses."

Obviously, Jintao couldn't be more right. Without question, China's famously zealous pursuit of human rights protection and respect for life is second only to its sterling environmental policies and strict quality control in the manufacturing of children's toys.

A simple Google search proves everything:

China+human rights violations

Dalai Lama+human rights violations

I mean, just look at what the Nobel committee had to say about this threat to China's national security upon awarding the Dalai Lama the 1989 Nobel Peace Prize:

"The Committee wants to emphasize the fact that the Dalai Lama in his struggle
for the liberation of Tibet consistently has opposed the use of violence. He
has
instead advocated peaceful solutions based upon tolerance and mutual
respect in
order to preserve the historical and cultural heritage of his
people."

On top of that, the Dalai Lama has gone on the record as rigidly demanding not Tibetan freedom, but just more autonomy for Tibet within China.

How do you compromise with a tyrant like that?

The Day I Lost Faith in Humanity, part IV

by Blaine Fridley, Editor-in-Chief

Though it may come as a surprise to the millions of (potential) Diary of Fools readers out there, I am indeed forced to work a day job in order to cover the 99.97% of my budget that Google Adsense revenue does not.

As far as jobs go, I could do much worse. I know this because I have done much worse. Much, much worse. Dirty, filthy, unspeakable things. But for now, I will spare you the banality of my day-to-day workplace routine. In fact the only reason I mention my day labor at all is to set up yet another soul-crushing moment in the history of mankind.

This is a sign currently hanging in the men's bathroom at my office:

And for our Spanish speakers:

Apparently, GROWN-ASS ADULTS wiping boogers on the bathroom wall had become such a company-wide epidemic that HR had to take immediate action by way of this unfathomably ree-FUCKING-diculous sign (laminated, of course, so boogers could be easily wiped off). But even more ridiculous is the fact that HR apparently had this sign on file from earlier booger-flinging outbreaks. Just check out the date in the upper left hand corner.

Though, it is hard to decipher what, exactly, is the saddest part here. The fact that grown-ass adults are wiping boogers on the wall, or that some poor schmuck had to spend part of his/her day thinking of the most corporate, professional, HR-approved term to use for "boogers".

The Day I Lost my Faith in Humanity Archive:

Part I

Part II

Part III

Local View: News from the Land of 10,000 Lakes

By Blaine Fridley

DOF Newswire

St. Paul, MN-

Gov. Tim Pawlenty Makes a Big Statement with Budget Vetoes

Most notably, "Hey, I'm a huge dick", and "I'm a petty, childish, vindictive, rat-faced jerk-off." Oh, and "smarmy". Don't forget "smarmy".

Yup, less than two months after the Minnesota Legislature hit Gov. Tim Pawlenty with an override of his gas tax veto, the second-term Republican slashed the 2008 Bonding Bill with 52 line-item vetoes - including money for a much-needed light rail public transport system - while continuing his pathetic, pandering and transparent "fiscal conservative", "no new taxes" jig for the VP nod in John McCain's campaign.

Because, as we all know, not raising taxes is a sure-fire way to keep money in the "workin' man's" pocket, right Tim? Errr...oops.

And coincidentally enough, Mr. P made sure to pass most of the measures from suburban and rural areas, effectively squashing any hopes of getting enough support for another override to get light rail back on the bond for the Twin Cities.

For this (and for many past actions), Timmy has been nominated for the DOF "Crotch -punch of the Day". Any reader who supplies tangible proof that he/she delivered a punch to the gov's crotchal area by 11:59pm (CST) today will receive ALL of the DOF's Google AdSense revenue for the day, meaning a potential pay-out of TENS of cents for the winner. A double pay-out goes to out-of-state readers who accomplish this task.

Good luck. The DOF is counting on you.

Diary of Fools Online College Graduation Guide: Chapter 2, Part 2 - The Resume

By Blaine Fridley

Resumes. A good one will propel you to the front of the "quality candidates" line. A poorly composed one will end up "on file", which of course, is a globally-recognized Human Resources term for "the trash". The goal with your resume is to avoid the latter scenario.

How?

Well, beefing up your resume with degrees from well-respected and highly accredited universities along with Fortune 500 internships and high-profile charity work is one way.Another way is lying. A lot. Because some people will have all of the above on their resume. You probably won't and you'll have to keep up somehow. Besides, you have any better ideas? I didn't think so, Mr. Sports Management Major.

Before we go any further, it's important to remember that putting yourself on the job market is a lot like running for office. In order to succeed you must:

A) Make outlandish promises that you can't possibly deliver. (For example, I once told a prospective employer that I was a detailed-oriented multi-tasker, when in all honesty, I find watching TV and remembering to breath at the same time quite a challenge).

B) Air negative campaign adds linking other top job candidates with terrorists.

C) Remember that once you are hired based on your outlandish promises and subsequently fail to deliver on said promises, you should blame your gross incompetence on somebody else (just like any self-respecting politician) until you fall forward into a higher-profile, better-paying position. Repeat until retirement.

Many of you may feel uneasy spinning such a web of deceit. To that I say, don't be such a pussy. The void created in your soul from such amoral and unscrupulous behavior can always be easily filled with money, hot women, alcohol and excessive behavior. That always turns out well.

Trust me.

So, what kind of lies are employers looking for on a resume? Well, the bigger the better. Remember, there are people out there who actually do have the qualifications you're only lying about. Better make them pretty fucking good.

For example, if another applicant went to Harvard, so did you. During the day. Before your classes at Yale Law in the evening.

Or, if another applicant spent 2 years designing and implementing irrigation systems and teaching eco-friendly farming techniques in impoverished, famine-plagued African nations, so did you. Right after you found a cure for Leukemia. Got it? Go big, my friend. Unless, of course, you don't mind working at that belt buckle kiosk in the mall for the rest of your life. I mean, that's cool. After all, you are banging that chick from the Orange Julius stand AND getting 10% off all mall merchandise. I'd totally stick with that hand, dude.

Hopefully, by now you're starting to realize that while a select few have put in countless dedicated hours and thousands upon thousands of dollars earning their sterling qualifications, it's imperative to keep in mind that you can get the same qualifications with nothing more than a 2.5 GPA at Fratboy State University, some quality, heavy-stock paper, and an egregious distortion of the truth.

Excellent. Now that you know what goes into a good resume, it's equally as important to know how to put all that info together. Let's take a look at 3 different styles of resumes.

1. Chronological

This is the most popular format. It places information in reverse chronological order (i.e. from most to least recent). Employers tend to prefer this format as it (hopefully) demonstrates a candidate’s steady and upward career growth. Thus, the focus is on time, job continuity, growth, and achievements.

2. Functional

A functional resume focuses on skills, credentials, and accomplishments over the course of all jobs held. Emphasis is on what you did, not when or where you did it. Accomplishments, qualifications and experience are grouped together, to emphasize your experience in specialty areas.

3. Threatening

Rather than just flaccidly list your qualifications, the threatening resume allows you to take the bull by the horns and make your objectives known by spelling them out using strong, curt language and, most importantly, threats on the lives of the hiring manager and/or hiring manager's loved ones (click figure 3.1 below for an example).

Figure 3.1

If done correctly, one of these 3 options is bound to get you noticed by HR (or the authorities). And when that time comes, you'll have to be prepared for your first face-to-face job interview (or incarceration).

Up next in the Diary of Fools Online College Graduation Guide:

Chapter 3 - The Interview

Chapter 4 - Welcome to the Working World: Dealing with Chronic Depression

Coming Soon...

The DOF Online College Graduation Guide returns on Monday with a fresh installment - Chapter 2, Part 2: The Resume

In the meantime, in between time, get caught up on all the previous installments:

Introduction: A Commencement Day Speech to my Alma Mater by Blaine Fridley

The Diary of Fools Online College Graduation Guide: Chapter One - Moving Back Home

Diary of Fools Online College Graduation Guide: Chapter Two, Part One - Internships and Resumes

All the World is a Stage

Thanks to Uncle Beefy for turning the DOF onto these cats who've been dedicated to turning the mundane into entertaining performance art for baffled throngs of onlookers since 2001. Big up, Beefy! (CLICK THE PIC FOR LINK)

 

Pictures in the News

From Diary of Fools Newswire

The High Cost of Intergalactic Warfare

A candid look at the tragedy, devastation and sorrow born from the demise of a dedicated space invader, husband and father. (Click to play)

  

Welcome to Geno's...

...home of the World-Famous Xenophobic Cheese Steak!(Click for story)

"Would you like a side of small-minded bigotry with that?"

Whhaaaa? This guy intolerant? 

The DOF is shocked. Completely shocked.

We don't believe in anything anymore.

Return of the "Gadfly"!

(Click to enlarge)

Diary of Fools Newswire

TV execs to viewing public: "Fuck it."

All major networks to completely phase out original programming by 2010

Diary of Fools News Service

Hollywood, CA-

With remakes of Knight Rider and American Gladiators already on the air and enjoying strong viewership, TV executives from all 4 major networks (CBS, ABC, NBC, FOX) and their mentally retarded cousin (the CW) have announced plans to halt all original programming beginning this fall.

The announcement comes on the heels of a study that shows that after 60+ years of sitting on their asses and mindlessly staring at the television, the majority of Americans will pretty much watch any piece of shit, just as long as they don't have to think about their job or take anything remotely resembling an active interest in their home life or world affairs.

Knight Rider '08- as shitty as it was in 1984.

"I think the success of our very own sitcom Two and a Half Men is proof of this," said a CBS representative recently. "As soon as a Charlie Sheen vehicle hits number 1 in the Nielsen ratings, it's obvious that people just want something to stare at from 7-10 (CST) so they can forget about the bitter cocktail of unrelenting tedium and shattered dreams that has become their lives...plus doing a remake of The Hogan Family saves us a shit ton of money."

Though the major networks will load-up their lineups with remakes of past hits such as NBC's The Cosby Show, starring Cedrick the Entertainer as Dr. Huxtable, it is only one phase in a larger cost-cutting plan.

"Eventually we're going to go with an "all test-pattern, all the time" format," shares Ted Brunson of NBC. "I smell a ratings smash."

Meanwhile, ABC will base its programming around it's newest show Shiny, Pretty Lights next fall. The program will feature 2 hours of shiny, pretty lights set to music.

The Biggest Loser briefly becomes not the most boring show on TV

Like Mark Lemke in the 1991 World Series, sometimes things that are usually so woefully below average have an out-of-body experience and briefly become something completely brilliant and awesome. Last night was like that for the NBC program The Biggest Loser (CLICK). 

Oh, SNAP!

"Why don't you tell me what you mean, Jillian?" Effing classic.

Diary of Fools Recommends...

A look into what you need to be watching, reading or listening to right now.

What: Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, a hysterical 2004 British television series made to be a parody of both bad '80s action TV shows and the horror genre.

Where: Currently on DVD. All episodes available on YouTube.

More: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garth_Marenghi's_Darkplace