In this chapter, you will learn how to impress prospective employers with a resume built on a strong foundation of education, experience, half-truths and outright lies.
The first mistake many recent college graduates make is assuming their college degree entitles them to any job of their choosing. Take a moment to review your diploma. If it looks like this, that may be true. If it looks like this, not so much.
There was a time when a diploma from just about any college did guarantee you a better job, but that was before every knuckle-head started going to college and earning degrees for things like creative writing and hotel management.
Because of this influx of college-educated job seekers, employers can now pick and choose who they want to hire, making it harder for new grads to find a job in the career of their choice. Fact is, 4 out of 10 Taco Bell employees are now college educated, working their student loans off one chalupa at a time.
Broadcast Journalism major,
East Chattanooga State, class of '99
However, recent grads can compensate for the over-saturation of diplomas in the job market by adding relevant job experience to their degree. The problem, of course, is that most new graduates have little or no relevant job experience to put on a resume. Although your diploma may say “Bachelors Degree in Political Science”, your work history says “15 hours a week at Jamba Juice.” Clearly, something must be done.
One way to gain resume-building job experience in your field of interest is by applying for an internship. Internships are unpaid, entry-level positions that help young, aspiring professionals see what life is like without dignity. Want to become an architect? An internship at an architectural design firm will provide you with priceless “hands-on” knowledge that no classroom could possibly teach you - things like, what kind of coffee architects drink, where architects take their dry-cleaning, and how to staple and collate documents on the very same Xerox that architects use!
[Fun Fact: Did you know that before the Emancipation Proclamation, internships were known as “slavery”?]
Ideally, internships should be done while still in school for college credit. However, a growing number of adults looking for a career change and recent college graduates with shitty guidance counselors have also been applying for internships in order to expand their relevant work experience.
When pursuing an internship, it is important to note that many companies do not advertise internship opportunities, and it will be up to you to develop an internship of your own within the organization of your choosing. The first step to accomplishing this is by creating what’s called an “exploratory letter” – a statement highlighting career goals, education, and your mastery of the form letter.
Example
What you write:
Dear Ms. Gomez:
I am interested in a temporary position as a chemical technician in your metallurgy laboratory. On my enclosed resume you will note that I have finished two years as a chemistry major at Midwestern University, have completed analytical chemistry, and have worked the past two summers in an industrial chemical laboratory. My strong interest in metallurgy, combined with my courses and my laboratory experience, provide me with the background to make a worthwhile contribution as a chemical technician in your organization.
I would like to make an appointment with you so that we might explore the ways in which an internship would allow me to make a contribution to your company. As your employee, I would also be able to increase my skill with laboratory equipment used in metallurgy. I will telephone you within two weeks to arrange for an interview at a mutually convenient time.
Thank you for your consideration. If you need additional information, please contact me at (513) 555-2431.
Very truly yours,
Harry Walker
What they read:
Dear Ms. Gomez:
Me work for free.
Sincerely,
Sucker McNoPay
With luck, your exploratory letter will result in a face to face meeting. Don’t fuck it up.
Once you found the internship you were hoping for, it is important to conduct yourself as though it were your job. You should arrive for your first day early, dressed nicely, and with a Dilbert flip calendar for your desk. If you can’t find a Dilbert calender, a poster that says some stupid shit like "A problem is just another opportunity to succeed" with a picture of a guy hand-gliding over the Grand Canyon will do.In any internship it is important to remember that while you are not getting paid with money, you are being compensated with priceless “relevant experience*”. Many experts advise catologing this experience with a journal of your day to day activities:
* “Relevant experience” can not be redeemed for food or rent. It does, however, entitle you to a travel coffee mug with your company’s logo on it. Nice.
MegaCorp Internship Diary, Day 34
9am – Arrived to work, reported to boss. Boss not in yet. Went to cubicle, updated Myspace account.
10:33am – Boss still not in. Ask others in the department if there is anything I can do for them. Offer met with cold silence, except for Bruce the sales guy who calls me a queer, but makes it sound like he’s coughing. Others laugh.
10:30 pm -11:30am – Triple my previous high score in Snood.
11:45am – Boss arrives looking disheveled and unnerved. Runs to office, closes blinds.
12:00 pm – Boss frantically approaches me with “very important project” involving GPS, a shovel, and an unresponsive hooker in the trunk of his Acura. Also needs me to pick up business cards from Kinko’s.
3:00pm – returned from desolate wetland/Kinko’s.
3:00 pm – 4:00 pm – updated Myspace account
4:00pm – 5:00pm – cake party for Bruce the sales guy's birthday. Everyone is forced to say something about Bruce. I come up with something about how great of a mentor he is. Bruce responds by saying how nice it’s been having somebody here to hold his cock when going to the bathroom. Others laugh. I hate Bruce.
Once you've completed your internship, it's important to remember that your experience doesn't become "relevant experience" until you lie about it on your resume. In the second part of this chapter, we will show you how to transform your three months as the office fluffer into an eye-catching array of bullet-points, embellishments, and power verbs.
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