Your Headlines for March 2, 2009

Local

Overcompensating Roommate has TV Constantly Set to Versus Network, Claims Love of Lumberjack Competitions, UFC

Yet "somehow the TiVO is loaded with episodes of Gossip Girl that I didn't put there," says fellow roommate.

Politics

Black Republican Obviously Hates Self

Washington

Obama Promises Not to Sign Bills with Earmarks… Except This Time… aaaannd Maybe Next Time"

Champions of Society

Anybody who has owned a young puppy or kitten has been there. After a long day of huffing paint to Kid Rock, all you really want to do is kick back with your homemade MacGyver bong and just take a load off, you know? But all KITTY wants to do is play. Faaaahhhhhhkk. What to do, what to do…hmmm... EUREKA! Stuff kitty IN the homemade MacGyver bong, of course!

click here for story for link.

Stoner Confucius says...

"To live by the rule of "everything in moderation" is to rob one's self of the sheer awesomeness of excess. For instance, 1 peaunut butter cup is good. But a bag of peaunut butter cups in the deep fryer? That shit right there, son? That shit right there? ah-MAZING."

Confessions in Race Relations by Knarf Black XIV, as told to Blaine Fridley

"In 3rd grade we had one black kid who hung out with us, and every time we played Ghostbusters we always made him be Winston. Partially because it took one person out of the running for the constant battle over who got to be Egon, but mostly because he was black."

Friday Funk (Flashback) : Samon Kawamura and Pretty Lights

Flashback edition-

So Blaine Fridley generally takes the reigns on the Funk de la Friday, but decided to let ol' Reno bear take it over every other week. Being a mindless dipshit, I forgot.

So I am using Blogger's option to backdate a post and doing it, knowing you'll never see it.

However I did leave a link to this, so its like you're going back in time...or at least going back in our archives. Which you should do more often, because we're pretty fucking great.

This week's funk. Samon Kawamura "U Nu"




Pretty Lights "Finally Moving"

Hot Sh!t: Down and Out at 30

Hand-picked hotness you need to check out. Or not. You know, like...whatever.

Today's Hot Sh!t: downandoutat30.com

Selected by: Blaine Fridley

What do you do when you're 30 and voluntarily leave your job in the worst economy since Hooverville was the hottest, fastest-growing neighborhood in Manhattan? Start a blog, uhdoy. And lucky for you, that's exactly what the creator of downandoutat30.com did. Funny. Witty. Breezy-but-insightful. Irreverent at times, poignant at others. Always entertaining. Always intelligent. Bookmark it. Better yet, subscribe. Odds are, you'll be unemployed soon, too, and Down and Out at 30 will be less "lunchtime diversion" and more "definitive guide to coping."

*Full disclosure: This blog may or may not be written by one of my favorite humans of all-time.

The Most Insidious Lie Ever Told

...or Don't Piss in my Pocket and Tell me it's Raining
by Knarf Black XIV, Consumer Advocate/Sandwich-related Subterfuge Whistle-blower

No, it's not global warming you silly bastard; didn't you see Waterworld? I am, of course, speaking of the Subway fast-food chain's "Five Dollar Footlong" promotion.

By now you have undoubtedly been exposed to the campaign's trademark jingle. (Slate has an excellent piece about it, appropriately titled "Jingle Hell") If not, consider yourself one of the lucky few whose minds will not be slowly, painfully destroyed. You see, this is no ordinary musical slogan, it is a painstakingly crafted form of irresistible white-noise that, when heard or even recollected, overwrites the contents of human memory with copies of itself. Filling and overtaking the mind like something out of a Borges story.

With phase one firmly established in the already atrophied pre-frontal cortex of the American consumer, the evil geniuses at Subway Central Command began "lowering" the prices of their footlong sandwiches. Initially this seems like a great deal: a customer can save nearly $1.70 (or almost but not quite the cost of adding chips and a soda) off the price of a higher-end sub like the "Chicken Bacon Ranch." The savings becomes more modest in the midrange section, but thanks to phase one, the drooling masses are not likely to notice.

It is in the basic, no frills, single meat section on the menu where phase three comes into play. Early last year, a customer could find a small selection at prices like $4.89 or even $4.69. During the initial phases, the masses could laugh these off as "pussy" subs and go on to order their prime rib or seafood sensation--where the "deals" are.

With minds clouded by jingles and attitudes coddled by moderate discounts, few noticed the subtleties of the dread phase four. The infectious commercials were scaled back, the large colorful banners replaced with more subdued versions, and the promotion retreated to the low end sandwiches. No longer a "limited time" deal, $5 Footlongs are simply a menu item. This means that the base price of a Subway Sandwich is now a crisp, green Lincoln.

Son of a bitch. Subway just raised their prices on us and we liked it. We thanked them for the simplification of sandwich related math.

It did not take long for stronger minds to cut through the deafening neural-noise and raise their voices in righteous complaint, but the Subway Restaurant corporation was prepared for this eventuality. Hence phase five: the return of full force five dollar footlongs. The garish red banners are back, along with even lamer commercials to reinforce the already endemic neural degridation. No longer are there any footlong menu items listed below the $5 mark, nor is their any indication that this has ever not been the case. They've always cost that much. You don't need a six inch sandwich, you are hungrier than that. It only costs a dollar and change more, anyway.

Five.
Five dollar.
Five dollar foot-looo-oong.

Join us.

Who are the ad wizards…

Pepsi Max: The diet soda for men!

by Blaine Fridley, Editor-in-Chief/Leader in the field of masculinity

What?

Granted, I don't drink diet soda ('cuz it's for queers), but really? Diet soda for men? What does that even mean? Before this enlightening message from Pepsi, I had no idea drinking diet soda was inherently femmy; I just knew it tasted like ass.

So what is the secret ingredient that makes Pepsi Max more manly?

The DoF Investigative Team did a little digging and found out:

Burt Reynolds chest hair.

It's a fact: Each follicle of Reynolds chest hair contains enough super-concentrated masculinity to power 1.2 million Ford F-350 pick-ups for 1 month.

Semi-Circle Jerk

In the greatest annual circle jerk in U.S. politics, President Barack Obama addressed the first joint session of the new congress last night. If you think you missed out, you didn't. It was more tough-talking greedy CEOs, convincing Americans we will survive the economic crisis, and restoring faith that the American Dream is still alive and well. Fortunately, there were some primo quotes uttered as the attendees left the chamber doors. They also had weed brownies and Kool-Aid at the post-address reception.

Nanci Pelosi (D - CA) - "So many standing O's! I felt like a sprightly ninth-grade cheerleader about to run for class president!"

Tom Rooney (R - FL) - "This is my first time. I've never been more excited! I wasn't sure when to clap, so I just watched Orrin Hatch."

Ruth Bader Ginsburg - "That jagoff made me stand up to greet him? Ahh, the nerve! I think I tore some stitches."

Michelle Obama - "Did you see me make sandwich meat out of that poor girl during the awkward hug?! OMG!"

Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger - "Why are they still inviting me to all these political events?"

Joe Biden - "Bored. I just couldn't keep myself from inadvertently toying with my program even though I was plainly visible to the camera the entire time. At least I didn't do the creepy Cheney smile."

Olympia Snowe (R - ME) - "I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention...too busy ski poling Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham."

David Axelrod - "For a speech that wasn't written by him, he certainly did a hell of job selling originality and candor. Am I right?! RIGHT?! The 'rod has still got it! Where's the bubbly?..."

Barack Obama - "It's like a goddamn preschool playground in there."

This Day in History: 1793

George Washington convened the first Cabinet meeting on record - at his home. All enjoyed Martha's lemon bars, which were deemed by War Secretary Henry Knox to be good enough to "make one ejaculate in their knickers." Meanwhile, President Washington would spend a good majority of the meeting apologizing for all the cat hair. 

DoF Musical Timeline

Here at the Diary of Fools we love us some Elton John. Dude is just funky. Some may say too flamboyant. Well, the man is a gay, what do you want? He's not averse to wearing some loud shit, and we celebrate that. Donald Duck costume not in your closet? Well this man came out of his wearing one, and we find that to be...applauded?

Here we're going to explore some of his...greatest(?) looks while listening to the previously unreleased unplugged version of Benny and Jets. If nothing else, listen to the fantastic song.

This is our first run, so it's basically just pictures and a kick ass song, but fuck you, it's free. Enjoy it.

Stoner Confucius Says...

"The man who in view of gain thinks of righteousness; who in the view of danger is prepared to give up his life; and who does not forget an old agreement however far back it extends - such a man may be reckoned a complete man. It is especially in the spirit of this last, most essential point that I remind you about how you totally said last time that you'd buy this time."

DoF March Madness pool

Dear DoF readers.

Do you enjoy the duplicity of being pop-culture savvy and a horrible gambler? Or are you so economically beaten that any few hundred dollars would get you off the refried beans and ramen diet?

Then Ol' Reno invites you to his yearly NCAA Basketball brackets where you could win upwards of 600 dollars * for a mere $10 entry. (* Depends on how many enter. But last year was like $640.)

But Reno, what the fuck do I know about College Basketball? Worry not my friend, nobody really cares or knows anything about college basketball enough to be able to prognosticate this thing. It's a fucking raffle ticket, basically.

Or don't. Whatever, but know that we love you here for reading, and would love nothing more than for us to win that money. But a distant second would be to send that money to a reader.

to sign up:
http://imb2.mayhem.cbssports.com/e

Feel free to post a message in the message board. Further information will be included. Hope to see you there, boppers.

This Day in History: 1997

The Food and Drug Administration names six brands of birth control as safe and effective "morning-after" pills, though the Association of Sexually Misinformed Older Brothers continues to advocate the importance of "pulling out" and "doing it while standing up or underwater" in thwarting unwanted pregnancies.

This Day in History: 1870

Mississippi is readmitted to the Union, a move the Union still regrets to this day.

*Sorry to our Mississippi readers. No harm intended. We got jokes, that's all… but now that I think of it, if you're from Mississippi, you can't read this anyway. So, never mind.