Diary of Fools: Tune Translator Vol. 1

By Merton Sussex, Chairman of the Bored

Modern pop music can be perplexing, laden, as it so often is, with oblique imagery, vague references, and confusing lingo. On the one hand, this is desirable; art SHOULD be open to interpretation, and different songs will then mean different things to different people. On the other, it can be a big ol' pain on the ass if you have absolutely zero idea what the fuck that overpaid loser on the radio is howling about.

To that end, there are often online articles which purport to "break down" or "explain" some of the more confusing offerings of the current musical spectrum. Most recently, I stumbled upon this blog, which attempts to do just that. It addresses some of the more commonly-misinterpreted songs of recent years, but it does so badly. Most of the "insight" it attempts to render is either forehead-slappingly obvious, or dead wrong.

So, it occurred to your ol' Uncle Mert that shining the unforgiving light of close scrutiny upon pop music and it's often-impenetrable lyrics might be an under-served niche in the online world. And so, you have to deal with this: The Diary of Fools Tune Translator.

First up is an old favorite: The Violent Femmes' "Blister in the Sun."

To begin with, songs about...shall we say, "self-love" are legion in the rock lexicon. From the Buzzcocks' "Orgasm Addict" to Billy Joel's "Captain Jack," through Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop," and Green Day's "Longview," there have historically been as many songs about you-know-what as there are euphemisms for it (e.g., "Cuppin' the Bishop," "Punching the Parrot," and "The Five-Knuckle Shuffle." Or, if you're a lady, "Rubbin' the Nubbin," "Flickin' the Bean," or "The Slit Slide"). So it's not surprising that it's a theme that gets applied to a lot of songs whether it fits, or not.

One such song to which the overall idea of the dolphin-flog is erroneously applied is the Violent Femmes' 1981 folk-punk hit, "Blister in the Sun."

That's correct, "Blister In The Sun" is NOT, as is frequently assumed, about pounding the pole. It's actually a writ-large expression of anger and frustration on the part of the character sung by Gordon Gano (no doubt informed by Gano's experience, which lends it a semi-autobiographical bent) concerning a particularly painful sunburn.

I'll explain.

When I'm out walking I strut my stuff
Yeah I'm so strung out
I'm high as a kite I just might
Stop to check you out

This passage refers to the protagonist's having headed out on a hot, sun-bright day, and finding himself struck by the symptoms of heatstroke. The line, "I'm high as a kite" obviously refers to the light-headedness typical to the onset of the condition, and the reference to being "strung out" is an allusion to the subsequent fatigue sufferers experience. Anyone who's had heatstroke can attest to the accuracy of this reference.

Further: it's well-known that the Violent Femmes began their career in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, which is prone to exceptionally harsh, long-lasting winters, as well as summer-like spring conditions that tend to arrive quite suddenly, sometimes almost overnight. Ergo, every year, countless victims of heatstroke wind up in area hospitals because they're so eager to get out and enjoy the weather that they fail to take adequate precautions against the heat, such as drinking sufficient fluids, and using sunscreen to protect themselves from the sudden climatic change.

At the end of the phrase, "I just might / stop to check you out" refers to Gano (or his character/surrogate) having his activity ground to a halt by the harshness of the conditions.

But that's not all. The song continues:

Body and beats I stain my sheets
I don't even know why
My girlfriend shes at the end
She is starting to cry

"Body and beats" is a reference to the suns rays having "beaten" down on his "body", leaving him feeling "beaten." And the aforementioned eagerness to enjoy spring and failure to prepare for the seasonal condition change is reflected by the line, "I don't even know why." Both the typically endemic disorientation from the onset of heatstroke, and the typical Milwaukee resident's omission of protective clothing, fluids and sunscreen when rushing outdoors, have left him unsure of what, exactly, has happened to him.

Of course, "I stain my sheets" is not an allusion to semen as some have reasoned. It's actually a reference to the Solarcaine® and other Aloe-based topical analgesic/anasthetic products his girlfriend has apparently applied to his epidermis in a vain attempt to soothe the pain and damage caused by the solar radiation over-exposure. She is crying, because she's "at the end." This is a clever double-entendre referring both to her having applied so much of the attendant ointments (out of overcompensation for trying to match the burn's severity) that she's run out of them, and her emotional overreaction ("she is starting to cry") at seeing someone she cares about in pain, leaving her "at the end" of her wits and patience.

Of course, as anyone who's suffered a severe sunburn knows, the burn damage continues to ravage your skin long after you remove yourself from direct UV exposure, which is why pain worsens, and blisters continue to form well into the next day...No doubt the phenomenon that inspired the title.

Once you know the real story, it all becomes clear, doesn't it?

Interestingly, the Violent Femmes' critically-panned and poor-selling second record, "Hallowed Ground," while widely considered to be a stylistic departure for the band (due to a strong undercurrent of Christian influence having crept into the work following singer-songwriter Gano's conversion to the faith following the eponymous LP), is in fact a concept album that's totally about beatin' it.