Midday Mindfuck: The Rick Astley Conspiracy

By Merton Sussex, Headache Sufferer

Blaine Fridley's recent article about CNN's Campbell Brown finally catching on to the amusing, if long-played out (especially in the lightning-fast internet world) prank of "Rick-Rolling" has proven conclusively that the once-fresh trend has jumped the shark, and jumped it big-time.

For those unfamiliar, "Rick-Rolling" is a hilarious bit of japery wherein some wily netizen sends a friend a link to an online video, usually with a tantalizing tag-line promising something cool to be seen. Only upon clicking the link does the "mark" discover that they've been duped. Because instead of a video showing something unbelievable, like Britney Spears skull-fucking Richard Simmons with a strap-on, Bill O' Reilly's head exploding "Scanners"-style, or Keanu Reeves displaying a faint glimmer of anything resembling a pale echo of talent, the link in fact sends the recipient to a YouTube video of Rick Astley's 1987 hit "Never Gonna Give You Up." From there, copious amounts of hilarity ensue.

(A short aside: If you have to ask why this is funny, please turn off your computer, disassemble it, place it carefully back into the box it came in, and drive your AOL-subscribing, 28.8-baud-modem-having ass back to Wal-Mart for a refund. Because you have no business being on the internet. I'm serious. Do it now.)

Still with me? Good.

Blaine's article highlighted an interesting facet of internet meme-ology: as soon as the mainstream old media talking heads get hold of something, whether it's, "Ate My Balls," "All Your Base" or LOLcats, the trend is wordlessly and unanimously considered "over" by all of the script kiddies who scurry, roach-like, around the digital underbelly.

But.

While the "Rick-Roll" itself has become decidedly passé, there are still facets of the complex world of Astley that remain under-illuminated.

In the comments thread for the below article, Diary reader and superstar blogger in his own right Knarf Black XIV of the super-delicious B-flick snark-fest "Video Updates" got out his tweezers, and peeled back a hitherto-unseen layer of the mystique of Astley when he pointed THIS out:

"Rick-rolling jumped the shark right about when people started figuring out this uber-nerdy connection:"

Chrono Trigger - Robo's Theme. (Link opens in a new window.)

Yeah. Apparently, somewhere along the line, fans of the legendary Super Nintendo RPG Chrono Trigger noticed that a piece of music in the game sounded suspiciously...Astley-esque. To a degree that could scarceley be considered coincidental. Much like the Creaky Boards / Joe Satriani / Coldplay conundrum I reported on a few weeks back, except sprinkled across a wider array of media.

Knarf goes on to say:

"Sound familiar? Here are the two songs superimposed:"

Astley/Chrono Mashup. (Link opens in a new window.)

"Now you see just how deep the rabbit hole goes."

Indeed I do, Knarf. Indeed I do. And yet, FURTHER research indicates that the rabbit hole may go still deeper yet.

Ready to have your mind blown? Here's another nutty layer to the ever-creepier Rick Astley parfait: There's evidence that Kylie Minogue and Rick Astley are, in fact, the same person.

Not convinced?

Okay, just for the sake of context, this is Rick Astley performing his signature ditty:



Please, don't feel obligated to watch it all. Feel free to move on as soon as your ears remember the unique flavor of Ricky's vocal tone, described by some as "Big Black Voice coming out of the body of Howdy Doody." Roughly through the first chorus ought to cover it.

Now, here's a recording of Kylie Minogue's 80's hit "I Should Be So Lucky":



Cute, catchy. Very '80's. Not specifically similar to Astley's work, beyond the vague, slightly plastic-bubblegum production ethic that was endemic to MOST pop music of the greed decade's zeitgeist. Pretty disposable, all in all. Unremarkable at best.

Or, at least it WAS, until some German TV show host figured out that Kylie Minogue's "Lucky" 45, when played at the 33-1/3rd RPM speed on an analog turntable, yielded extremely eerie sonic results:



HOLY SHIT!

I know what you're thinking, though...you suspect that chisel-jawed Teutonic bastard is somehow cheating. Faking it. That the act of manually slowing down the turntable has screwed with the fabric of time and space somehow, and his results cannot be reproduced. It's just too uncanny. But, I assure you, it's real.

As further evidence, here is the SAME SONG, except the pitch has been shifted 26% (the mathematical gap ratio between 45 RPM and 33-1/3rd) using digital studio tools:



That's not just Astley-esque. It's not like one of those situations where you say, "Meh, sorta, I guess." The tone of the resulting lead vocal is so eerily similar that it defies all known laws of logic.

But that's STILL not all.

Someone apparently brought this phenomenon to the attention of Ricky-boy himself. It apparently blew his shit out of the water, too. Pay special attention at the three-minute mark of THIS video:



Wheels within wheels, my friends. Wheels within wheels.