News & World
Exxon Mobile posts 45.2 billion dollar profit;immediately begins drafting paperwork for bailout request.
CEO overheard saying "If Ford can build shitty, overpriced, and generally dangerous cars while rarely offering recalls and get a few billion then why the fuck not?"
Gossip
Jessica Simpson shows-off 'Mom pants' for a brand new demographic: Young fat chicks.
Kim Kardashian and Ugly Betty star America Ferrera reportedly also interested in Chubby's Angel, a portly spin-off of the venerable 70's sitcom.
Sports
NBC begins Superbowl Pregame show 3 days before game.
Hungry for fresh content, analysts and former players Trent Dilfer and Mark Schlereth begin discussing differences between the oniony musk of a champion to the mildewy odor of defeat.
Posts
10 comments:
Apparently I'm alone in my assessment that Jessica Simpson is looking more deliciously nailable than she ever has in her entire wasted life. I mean, tragic career and wardrobe choices plus epic stupidity notwithstanding, anyone who really thinks a scrumptious, unapologetically feminine figure like that qualifies as "fat" is probably taking their cues from the same skewed insurance-paperwork BMI charts that would officially categorize Ryan Seacrest as "morbidly obese."
Trust me...I've played hide-the-bratwurst with a surprisingly wide variety of different physical types. And Miss Congeniality (really), while "conventionally" quite attractive by a Hollywood standard, was pretty bonily uncomfortable to slam against. But it's really okay...this only served to make me all the more grateful that she just laid there like a corpse, secure in the notion that all she had to really do was show up, because I was so tremendously lucky to be all up in that. She was more boring in bed than stereo instructions. Honestly, that was the day Ol' Uncle Mert discovered that it's possible for a dude to fake it, so long as he's wrapped his rascal and doesn't need to make excuses for the lack of visible emission. I'm pretty sure I remember finishing up by myself in her shitter when I went in there to flush the non-evidence.
That was the day I swore off self-absorbed antler-bags who nobody will ever love as much as they love themselves for good. To this day, nothing less than a size 12 even gets a second look. And in doing so, I discovered an interesting fact: universally, with zero exceptions, curvy, adorable girls in the 14-20 size range aren't just bubbly, fun, and easy to get along with, they're also without fail more fun in the sack than any ten of the uptight, image-obsessed Aberzombie and Bitches who spend so much time wrapping their packaging in shiny paper that they forget to put any actual gifts inside.
I've always thought it had something to do with the fact that a girl who will make a second trip to the buffet (PLUS go back after that for some Carrot Cake) is a girl who's keenly in tune with the sorts of endorphins that saturate the brain when the senses are stimulated. Which, without fail, always turns out to be an across-the-board thing in other contexts. There's just so much to be said for enthusiasm and a lack of inhibition, not to mention the fact of how much better it feels on a purely physical level to have some cushion for the pushin'.
So, any dude who only has eyes for the insecure beige-wrapped skeletons can have 'em. I'll be in the corner, chatting up her shy, sweet, adorable friend. The one every other gelled-up douche in the joint is actively turning their nose up at just because the tag on the inside of the awesome boobie-blouse she's rocking the living fuck out of isn't sporting a single digit.
I think I need to go lie down. And if anyone is interested in joining me, just don't bring any visible fucking ribs with you.
....or, more succinctly:
I'd hit it.
THAT'S MY BOY
I agree with most things you said.
However since she's a C-list celebrity, she falls under the impossible standards dolts like that whom get into that awful business are subjected to.
I too have found the bigger the berry the sweeter the juice, but fuck man, that girl in those mom jeans must be ridiculed!
Ps. Moose Knuckle.
OMG a female celebrity ate a sandwich and wore an unflattering outfit! Burn her, she must be a witch!
How about if everyone running their sanctimonious mouth put on the same getup and stood up there next to her? Now that would be a photo I'd like to see.
Would she be naked in this photo? Because then I'd totally go for it.
I'd look hot in mom jeans. I'd have the requisite muffin-top and everything.
But yes, you strive for fat celebrity justice Miss Anonymous.
Mom Pantz by Jessica Simpson:
All-day foopah support with camel toe maximization
ps- anonymous, j. simpson and ms. kardashian are all kinds of fine (though their bankruptcy in every other dept. completely nullifies that 1 quality). us skewering her for being "hollywood fat" is...well... her fault. what is she "famous" for? talent? intelligence? humor? NO! she's "famous" for being impossibly hot and cramming that fact down our throat. there was a good 2-3 year stretch where you couldn't wait in line at the grocery store checkout without being slapped in the face by the those ridiculously disproportionate, breath-taking, miraculously natural breasts. SHE's the one who aggressively marketed her one bankable asset: impossibly good looks. if she could do SOMETHING ELSE she might not be such an easy target. trust me, slightly skewering her for gaining 10 lbs. and wearing mom pants is woefully inadequate justice for withstanding her "career" and the oppressive publicity whoring that came with it.
pps- @ reno: (screaming, sobbing)LEAVE JESSICA ALONE!(more violent sobbing) SHE DOESN'T..DO...ANYTHING!!
I enjoy a nice FUPA. Serves the same purpose as a gymnastic crash mat: Softening the impact of someplace I'll be landing repeatedly, and with great force.
Bones HURT.
That's what she said!!!!!
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