Ask a Canadian with Sully Sullivan

What is Canada? Who are its people and what are their traditions? Customs? Sexual proclivities? Do they have hamburgers and TV there too?

Lucky for you, we actually know a real life Canadian. His name is Sully, and he's here to answer your questions in a segment we call Ask a Canadian with Sully Sullivan:

Some of the funniest mofos in the known universe are, or were Canadian. Norm Macdonald. John Candy. Jim Carrey. Phil Hartman. All of the Kids in the Hall. Pierre Trudeau. To what do you attribute the natural, inherent sense of humor of the Cana- Um...Sorry...The sense of humour of the Canadian race?

- Milt from Kalamazoo, MI

You forgot Seth Rogen, Michael Cera, Russell Peters, Mike Myers, Lorne Michaels, Ryan Reynolds, and about a billion more...you ignorant American. We evolved comedically as a defense mechanism. We're just trying to laugh the world into forgetting that we're responsible for William Shatner. America had the Industrial Revolution, Manifest Destiny, and global domination; we have jokes, jokes, and more jokes. Even steven right? Eh?

Being almost constantly drunk doesn't hurt either.

Overall we're just a happy-go-lucky fun loving bunch of goofballs who were put on this Earth for the purposes of drinking beer, wearing toques, putting maple syrup on everything, and entertaining America. That's what you wanted to hear isn't it? Fuck off.

Burton Cummings: Beloved musical ambassador, piano virtuoso, and barrier-breaking seminal Canadian Rock Star, or hairy, past-his-prime, porn-'stached embarrassment who could never hope to escape the acre-square shadow of Randy Bachman? Defend your answer with examples and context.

-Randy from Winnipeg, Manitoba

When Burton Cummings sat down and penned the massive hit "American Woman" as an affront to the decadence of American culture, little did he know that it would be blindingly embraced by all of America as an unofficial national anthem of sorts.

Each time a mulleted American clutches a Budweiser in one hand and his sister's ass in the other while belting out...

"American Woman, said get away
American Woman, listen what I say
Don't come a hangin' around my door
Don't wanna see your face no more"

...Burton Cummings further solidifies himself as the real deal. Not that it's hard to fool an American or anything.

Also, the scene in Superbad when Michael Cera serenades a room full of violent coke heads with "These Eyes." I was reduced to tears of laughter. See how I tie in Question 1 with Question 2? Journalism. That's all that is.

You're walking downtown, eastbound on College/Carlton, and have just passed Yonge. Suddenly, a Tim Horton's employee pops her head out of the front door at the College Park store, and says, "Free Timbits, coffee, and a hummer for the next dude in the door!" The moment she finishes speaking, a man walking from the general direction of the southwest entrance to the Gardens clutches his chest and slumps to the pavement. You remember that there is a Leafs legacy autograph signing event happening at the MLG that day at the exact same moment you recognize the man.

He is Daryl Sittler.

For the purposes of this quandary. assume:
1) The Horton's employee is attractive. Not a 10, but at least a solid 7-and-a-half (eight in soft lighting).
2) You are single.
3) You know CPR.
4) You are equidistant between the two, and you are the only dude close enough to get to either in time.

What'll it be? The sweet, sweet joy of completely complimentary, no-strings 'Bits, brew and mouth-hug? Or being hailed as a national hero for trying to resuscitate the NHL record holder for most points scored in a single game? Is the possible recognition that comes from maybe saving the life of a beloved ex-Leaf worth stigma of pseudo-making out with a middle-aged man while taking a pass on the dough/joe/blow trio? Or is the promise of true full-body stimulation too great to rush to the aid of the fallen four-time All-Star?

-Bobo from East Harlem, NY

Blowjobs will come and go, but going mouth to mouth with a Canadian sports hero is a once in a life time opportunity. I wish I was intelligent enough to dream up some sort of scenario where I could be having the eeriest three way ever recorded in the middle of the street with a solid eight-and-half and an unconscious Daryl Sittler, alas there isn't.

I am sort of impressed by your intimate knowledge of Yonge and Carleton/College, but unfortunately Maple Leaf Gardens is hollowed out and basically forgotten. There wouldn't be any autograph sessions there, but a deranged Daryl Sittler wandering up to an empty building and setting up his own autographing station is not entirely outside of the realm of possibility.

FUCK...wait...I think I got it. I grab Sittler's limp body and drag him into the Tim Horton's just beating a deceptively fast hobo through the door. I make sure to have Daryl's body through first. At this point I have the eight-and-a-half give Sittler a blowie while I administer CPR and masturbate feverishly.

About the writer: When not answering your questions on everything Canadian, Sully Sullivan can be found panicking over the latest bloody, unresponsive hooker found in his motel bed.

Get more Sully at his very own blog, Yeah… totally, right?