Editorial: Attack of the Killer Mutant Eyelashes

By Knarf Black XIV
Women's Health Advocate

No one is under the illusion that Internet banner ads are bastions of credibility, but the naked appeals to vanity are starting to get a wee bit annoying. Almost everyone who surfs enough news & commentary websites should at least be familiar with trying to ignore them. (Do a lot of self-consciously aging women read Slate.com or something?)

Most often appearing in the form of a box hanging out in your peripheral vision, they boast crudely photoshopped pics of (sometimes aging) models and some sort of sparkling divider that can be dragged across the image to reveal the non-computer-uglified picture. If you choose not to enjoy the ad's 'interactivity' it will conveniently demonstrate the effect for you... over... and over... and over. Sometimes it's skin cream, sometimes it is hair gunk, and sometimes the photoshopping is done to the "after" pic instead of the "before," but they are always annoying.Also, since when is "discovered by a mom" supposed to be a bullet point for a complicated dermitalogical product? I would feel much more comfortable with "scientist" or "mom/scientist." Otherwise I start wondering if she was splashed in the face by a freak combination of Spaghettios and Kool-Aid that magically cured her wrinkles.

Before I finally get to the point, click to embiggen the image on the left and examine her mouth closely.

What the hell happened to the right side of her lips? Did she get into a knife fight? Did the Joker throw acid at her? Botched cosmetic surgery? Or did the starving graphic artist making just above minimum wage to airbrush semi-legitimately obtained stock photography get lazy with the blur tool?

Until recently, these were minor irritants to be filed in the stupid cabinet with those dancing mortgage ads and "YOU ARE THE MILLIONTH VISITOR THIS IS NOT A JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Now that Avon has started selling the T-Virus as a skin cream, these vanity-bating sucker cash-ins have crossed the line and become a real public danger.

Case in point: prescription eyelash enhancement by Latisse. Seriously? A drug that makes your eyelashes grow longer/fuller/whatever? A prescription drug?

As a bald man, I have frequently pondered the use of hair growth drugs. I even bought a three month supply of Rogaine in college and used it for about two months before realizing that I would rather be bald that put icky, oily goop in my hair twice a day for the rest of my natural life. Sure I could take a pill to achieve the same results, but who wants to risk turning into the Wolf-man or growing hair on their palms like Pastor Dave used to warn about.

The risks are just too great, and can only be magnified when you are dealing with a drug originally created to treat eyeball disorders. Sure the official "side effects" are restricted to itching and changing your eye color to brown-ish (seriously), but what happens when it works too well?

That's right, you'll look like Mr. Snuffle-fucking-upagus. Enjoy!