ESPN needs an ESPEnema

Dear Disney,

I didn't think you could hurt me anymore. I'm a 27 year old man, who only recently got over the brutish raping you gave my childhood. I loved "The Little Mermaid", that was until I realized that every single structure in that film is in the shape of a phallic object. Oh, and I just writhed in JOY as I realized the many other "Easter egg" - like sexual innuendos that were prevalent in the masterpieces of yore. It's no wonder that when I witnessed my first pornographic film at the tender age of 12 (thanks older brother) all I could think was, "Meh."

Now you've taken my sports too. ESPN used to be a bastion of hope in my otherwise pathetic existence. Watching great coverage of my local teams nationally, as well as the glib remarks during highlights are now a thing of the past (who can forget Kenny Mayne's "I am the strongest man in all the land!" home run call?) Nowadays, I can't tell which camera Stuart Scott is looking in as he screams , "Kobe Bryant is straight sic dog!". Way to set Black America back a decade or two on a nightly basis Stu.

However, since there are so many personalities of ESPN that are truly detrimental to our way of life that I could go on for pages, so I will only describe the two men who make me want to shove railroad spikes through my eyes.

*Chris "Boomer" Berman

Now, forgetting for a moment that during the NFL season this fat fuck licks Cheese Whiz off of Bret Favre's dick before every Sunday (I guess the idea of impartial professionalism is lost on the likes of you), there are plenty of reasons for him to receive the aforementioned enema. I would rather fuck shards of glass then hear his pompous voice use the same cliched calls for every highlight, for every game. Really Boomer? "He...could...go...fuck himself". Now that would be a nice change of pace. Oh, and by the way, your "witty" name puns...aren't. Randy "A rolling stone gathers no Moss" is not only stupid but...well, fuck you Berman. It's stupid.

We get it Boomer, you like Spiderman

Skipping over Sportscenter, PTI and Around The Horn, (all of which pound the same 3 stories into the ground - thanks 24 hour news cycle! OOh, and please let me know the 30 different ways that Boston and New York are awesome and the rest of us are just grasping the idea of the wheel ) I will finish with my thoughts about the worst person in sports television:

*Baseball Tonight's Karl Ravich: The Czar of Sensationalism

Hey Karl Ravich, you remember that one time when I wrote that I would rather fuck shards of glass than hear Chris Berman speak? Yeah, I'd rather just fuck Chris Berman than watch you dismiss any team that isn't the Yankees, Mets or Red Sox. Really Karl? Lemme guess; in high school you were that nerdy kid that let the cool kids cheat off of you - then assumed you were "in" with them only to realize that at the end of the day you were a used up ineffectual douche. You suck more cock than a Thai Fluffer. What's that Ravich? I can't hear you with your head so far up Dave Winfield's anus. We all know he's a hall of famer, and no, he wasn't one of the greatest Yankees ever. Why don't you ask some more leading questions like, "Do you think A -Rod took performance enhancing drugs, or are you calling me a liar?" Your over-inflated sense of pomposity offends me. I'm pretty sure everyone on set hates you. From Steve Phillips (he will be reviewed in upcoming blogs) to the kid who gets spit on by you because he put 2% milk in your coffee instead of 1%. I hope you get a heavy dose of punched-in-the-neck-by-me-syndrome.

And thank God for the new "Resume" graphic under each analysts name. NOW I trust what they're saying. For all I knew, John Kruk was really level 3 sex offender from New Hampshire. Thanks for ruining my favorite sport ESPN. I think instead I'll go feverishly masturbate to Aladdin and use my tears as lube.