This Day in History: May 12th

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. And while that might not be so bad when it comes to that dry-yet-still-mind-blowingly-awesome hand job from Jenny Johnson behind the bleachers during Homecoming, it's decidedly less neat-o when it comes to shit like the Anschluss. So sit back and take it: today's dose of history from your BFF's at the DoF.

1820: Florence Nightingale is born in Florence, Italy.

Nightingale would come to be considered the founder of modern nursing. Almost immediately following this accomplishment came her second major accolade: being the first subject of a nursing-based masturbation fantasy.

Oh, YEAH. I think it's time for my sponge bath.

1982: Pope John Paul II assaulted by a knife-wielding Spanish priest at the shrine of Fatima in Portugal.

Ultimately, this assassination attempt was not successful. Nor was the attempt the year before, despite John Paul II having lost nearly three-quarters of his blood when a Turkish gunman's bullet perforated his colon and small intestine multiple times.

Y'know, maybe it's just me...? But if I were pope, and people were constantly making attempts on my life? I might have to think twice about the validity of that whole "Benevolent God" idea. Especially when it was ultimately the five hours of surgery (read: Science) that wound up saving my ass.

On the bright side, after that the Popemobile went into a lot wider use. This not only allowed peons everywhere to witness the absurd spectacle of an old man in a silly hat rolling around in a bulletproof fishbowl, but also earned the pontiff the nickname of "Papa Wheelie" around the Vatican.

Y'know, if you really think about it? If THIS asshole is afraid to die,
then the rest of us are pretty fucked.

1972: The Rolling Stones release the landmark album "Exile on Main St."

Immediately following the release, the Stones embark on a wildly successful 52-date tour of North America. This becomes an even greater accomplishment in light of the fact that Keith Richards had been dead since October of the previous year.

"Can't be sure, mate...But I think I found me pancreas
in the shower drain this morning."