Your Headlines for October 27, 2008

From the DoF Newswire:

Sports

New York Knicks Diagnosed with Team Cancer

2008-09 season outlook bleak, analysts give team 2-6 weeks

Phillies Take 3-1 Series Lead, Now Just 3 Games Away from Historic World Series Meltdown 

Election '08

McCain Scoffs at Polls Suggesting Obama Victory

Complains they don't account for his planned ballot tampering, systematic voter fraud
 

Society

Snoop Dogg Releases Study on Male/Female Relations

Report concludes "bitches be crazy these days"

Diary of Fools: Champions of Society

A Merton Sussex, Barry Metropolis, Reno Gruber, and Blaine Fridley joint


Chances are you've heard the name "Ashley Todd" in the news in the last week. For the uninitiated, Ashley was a McCain/Palin '08 campaign worker. I say WAS because she's also the sack of shit who claimed that she was attacked by a 6'4" black man who supposedly robbed her, pinned her to the ground and scratched the letter "B" (apparently for "Barack") on her face. She said she felt it was a politically-inspired attack of violence, brought on by his having seen a "McCain '08" bumper sticker on her car.

Only problem is...It never happened. Which is why her contributions to the GOP race are spoken of only in the past tense these days.

From MSNBC:

"Ashley Todd, 20-year-old college student from Texas, admitted Friday that the story was false...Todd was charged with making a false report to police, and [a spokesman] said police doubted her story from the start."

Gee. THAT oughta help the campaign.

As with so many things, this incident sparked a round of e-mails around the venerable DoF HQ. It was begun by Reno, when he mailed a link to the above-quoted article to all of us. Why we bother e-mailing each other when we pretty much have all of our desks in a circle in an abandoned warehouse downtown and could just as easily speak, I've never completely understood. But in this case, it's a good thing. Because while usually we all post our own stuff, this particular round-robin spate of e-mails was a little too fun not to put up more or less verbatim. So, here it goes:

*****

Reno: Hey guys...Check this out:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27350530/

At least shes not a fat slob on top of it.

Merton: ...Or racist.

Y'know, what is it with incorporeal black guys? Honestly! Motherfuckers are always stirring up shit. They probably pull TWICE as much as they get blamed for. Someone ought to round these imaginary assholes up and put 'em in jail...At least until after the election. Otherwise they're liable to have all kinds of nonexistent riots if Obama loses.

White people suck sometimes.

Barry: "Todd told investigators that she suspected the man then noticed a John McCain sticker on her car, became angry and punched her in the back of the head, knocking her to the ground and telling her, 'you are going to be a Barack supporter,' police said in a statement."

This imaginary perp has the same MO as I do: I'll be right in the middle of a holdup and, BAM! Just like that, I get all political on my victims.

Merton: Hey, you! Gimme your wallet! NOW!

Wait, what is this...An ACLU membership card? A receipt for a pledge to NPR? Coupons for organic baby food? A spare key for your Prius?

All right. You're free to go. Sorry to have bothered you, sir.

Blaine: Nice. Hey, anybody wanna turn this back and forth into a post?

Just askin'.

(Five minutes pass.)

Blaine: Wow. I never knew there was tumbleweed in cyberspace, you lazy fucks.

Merton: It's not that nobody wants to DO it, boss. It's just that we're all hoping someone else will.

*****

There ya go. Consider yourselves sufficiently-informed as to the inner workings of the Diary offices. Hope that helps you sleep at night.

So, in the aftermath of this fiasco, just one in a series of seemingly hundreds of cinderblocks tied to the jaunty McCain/Palin '08 "Hot Air Express" campaign balloon (the basket of which McCain is still shoulder-height waving from even as the silk is on fire, the bottom is digging a trench, and there are no more spectators to see him), I'm left wondering what the cops' first clue was that Ashley Todd was more full of shit than a port-a-potty at Bonnaroo. Maybe it's the fact that the "B" on her face is backwards (as if she did it to herself in the mirror). Perhaps it's that she has a hinted-at history of mental illness. Or maybe, just maybe it's that she was so nutty that she was reportedly kicked off the Ron Paul campaign.

Whatever the impetus for her little false representation turns out to be, I'm not sure I care. Anyone that stupid, racist, and Republican can only serve as a bad example, anyway. However, if it turns out that her idiocy contributes in any small part to an Obama presidency, I'm buying her a fucking fruitbasket...Pun definitely intended. I'll send it to whatever sanitarium she winds up in.

Any ideas for what I should write on the card? Leave 'em in the comments.

The Day I Lost My Faith in Humanity, part XI

by Blaine Fridley, Editor-in-Spleefs

with help from a posthumous Sam Kinison

OK, so this story is a few days old, which in the up-to-the-nanosecond blogosphere makes it staler than those fish sticks in the carousel vending machine at work. (Nothing says "We care about our employees" better than vending machine fish sticks. Fucking ew. I'd rather pay 75 cents to snack on a used tissue, you choose the discharge.) But only today did I stop choking on the rage-produced bile that resulted from this:

Yup. This really happened. In 2008. 

So what fringe, whack-a-doo white supremacist outfit is responsible for it? I'll give you a guess: this group is usually identified with just 3 letters. You have 30 seconds…GO!

OK, contestants…markers down. And you guessed "What is the KKK?"

Oohhh, good guess, but the answer you're looking for is "What is the GOP?" Yes, "What is the GOP?" A subtle difference I know, but I'm afraid the judges can't give it to you. Thanks for playing. 

Yup, this HILARIOUS little spoof depicting Barack Obama as a donkey on a $10 "food stamp" framed by a watermelon slice, a bucket of fried chicken, rack of ribs and the Kool-Aid Man was included in a newsletter sent out by those sultans of satire, the Republican Women of Inland SoCal. ZING! 

Read about it here if you haven't already.

But here's the thing: I don't know what's more offensive, the actual "food stamp" itself or the explanation/"apology" given by Diane Fedele, the group's president. SoCal's Press-Enterprise reports "she simply wanted to deride a comment Obama made over the summer about how as an African-American he doesn't look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills.

"It was strictly an attempt to point out the outrageousness of his statement. I really don't want to go into it any further," Fedele said in a telephone interview Tuesday. "I absolutely apologize to anyone who was offended. That clearly wasn't my attempt."

Clearly, Diane. Clearly. Please continue.

Again from the Press-Enterprise:

Fedele said she got the illustration in a number of chain e-mails and decided to reprint it for her members in the Trumpeter newsletter because she was offended that Obama would draw attention to his own race. She declined to say who sent her the e-mails with the illustration.

SHE was offended that "Obama would draw attention to his own race?"!! In the words of the late, great Sam Kinison:

Look, bitch: the only reason he brought it up is because THE MCCAIN CAMP BROUGHT IT UP! No, McCain didn't come right out and say "Don't vote for the black man". It's more subtle than that. The recent rash of outbursts (and lack of GOP contrition re: those outbursts) during McCain/Palin rallies is a perfect example.

Continuing from the P-E story:

She said she doesn't think in racist terms, pointing out she once supported Republican Alan Keyes, an African-American who previously ran for president.

HA! Sounds a lot like the "I'm not racist, I watch Oprah" defense. Besides, supporting Alan Fucking Keyes is no way to ingratiate yourself with the African American population. 

"I didn't see it the way that it's being taken. I never connected," she said. "It was just food to me. It didn't mean anything else."

You never connected? A bucket of chicken. Watermelon. Kool-Aid. Ribs. That "never connected"?! Sam, if you would one more time, please:

And her piece de resistance:

She said she also wasn't trying to make a statement linking Obama and food stamps, although her introductory text to the illustration connects the two: "Obama talks about all those presidents that got their names on bills. If elected, what bill would he be on????? Food Stamps, what else!"

DoF Friday Funk: The Pharcyde

The Pharcyde - "Drop" (1995)

Mmmmm…proper.

Champions of Society (Sincere Edition)

San Francisco- A protester attending a debate between in-house Republican Super Villain Karl Rove and former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell on Oct. 21 attempted to do what paid law enforcement agencies should have done a long time ago - arrest a known criminal ie Karl Rove.

And according to California Penal (teehee, "penal") Code 837, she was well within her right to do so.

Shit man, you're telling me this isn't a public offense:

Ugh. That gets more painful every time I see it.

This Day in History: 1984

Democrat Walter Mondale is highly encouraged by reports showing him ahead of his Republican opponent in the Minnesota polls. Several weeks later on Election Day, Mondale would be disappointed to learn that he had not been running for Governor of Minnesota, but for President of the United States of America:

Your Headlines for October 20, 2008

From the DoF Newswire:

Business

StinkFingerCorp® Inks Exclusive Deal with Every Major Corporation and Educational Institution in America
Toilet paper giant will supply all restrooms with its cost-effective 1/2-ply, 600-grit toilet tissue

Entertainment
President Bush Sees Opener of Oliver Stone's "W.", Repeatedly Asks Laura What the Main Character Does for a Living

Nation
Proposed Bill Would Give Trick or Treaters Legal Right to Partake in Petty Vandalism, Administer Pillow Case Beatings to Citizens Handing Out Boxes of Raisins for Halloween
"Nature's candy my ass," says House Speaker Pelosi

Amy Poehler…

…I would like to have your next baby. Think about it. Email diaryoffools@hotmail.com when you're ready.

Eskimos how you feelin'?

Ice cold!

Make way for the DoF Friday Funk!

A new feature meant to get you to 5 o'clock with a glide in your stride and a dip in your hip…the DoF takes you home on the mothership.

This Friday's installment was submitted by the long-haired space cadet, D-Nice. Good lookin', D.

Digable Planets - "Nickel Bag of Funk"

Your Headlines for October 17, 2008

Latest From the DoF Newswire:

Society

Man Shows Up Internet by Committing Suicide 4 Years and 3 Months Before Pop Up Ad Predicts

International

Abu Ghraib Prison to Be Renovated, Turned into T.G.I.Friday's

Gates: Eatery will replace memories of torture, humiliation and disgrace with "good times and food you'll crave"

Politics
Joe the Plumber Requests Summit with Joe Sixpack, Wants to Discuss Possible Political Future Together: "The Joes Know '12!"

This Day in History: 1992

Setting: Game 7 of the National League Championship Series.

Down 2-1 in the bottom of the 9th and with no one left on the bench, Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox called for Fulton County Stadium parking lot attendant Francisco Cabrera to pinch hit with the bases loaded and the world's slowest living mammal (1st baseman Sid Bream) representing the winning run on 2nd. With the count two balls and one strike, Cabrera wrapped a base hit to left field scoring The Man Who Used to Have Sex with Halle Berry (aka David Justice). Lumbering behind him like a drunken sloth that just finished eating a pound of barbiturates was Bream. As left fielder Barry Bonds fielded the ball, Bream slogged his way around 3rd, in what seemed to be a catastrophically bad base running decision. Yet, somehow the Frankenstein-like Bream beat the throw by Bonds, sending the Braves to their 2nd straight World Series and the Pirates to 16 years of bumbling futility.

To this day, conspiracy theories abound concerning the play. The most popular being the so-called "Zach Morris Theory" which states that Bream, long rumored to possess the ability to freeze time, did just that as he rounded 3rd base, then re-animated the game as he approached home plate.

A moment of clarity

With Reno Gruber.
(The Blaaaaa to your Dow.)

Now here at the DoF, we try our best to cut things the way we see 'em. However, as a comedy blog we don't have to be objective. In fact, I'm fucking great; lets start with that. Seriously, everything I do is completely just and right. I'm pretty decent at everything (except syntax and spelling, as you know.) Fact check that Anderson Cooper, you big hunky piece of gaymeat.

I assume our daily readers are most likely left-leaning, as most of my compatriots are card-carrying commies with their finger on the button to destroy the patriotic sanctity of this great nation. OK, actually they are observant savants that are pretty fucking tough to bamboozle.

I'd like to believe we'd run a much more"fair and balanced" rip parade on Obama if the man wasn't so perfectly adept at diffusing criticism of himself.

But out of the interest of our two conservative readers who must sit through all these hilarious joy-bombs being lofted, lets try to even it out. How do you go about making embarrassing stories about a person that understands modern media so well?

You run with half-truths, go on assumptions...or just start making shit up.

Did you know that Barack Obama once broke into a mall pet store just so he could put all the Betta fish into one 8-oz. cup and have a Royal Rumble? He did that. You want that guy running your country? He then broke into a Cinnabon and ate the delicious insides of all the Cinnabons, and left the less-delicious outer ring for us common-folk, that elitist cock-chopper.

True we don't know a whole ton about Obama, but really what's to know? I have a bunch of knowledge at my finger tips about McCain's creepy looking ass? No, maybe...I don't care. I don't hold any illusions about how much my opinion really matters in the grand scheme (awww, a pessimist. Sad face!)

But whoever we think you are, at least be clear about who you think you are. Sarah Palin has tried to fancy herself a quasi-Libertarian in the past (before all this crazy hub-bub.) Let's just say I don't take too kindly to her shit parade turning onto my quiet little block. She's about as willing to concede power to local authorities (despite that being her only experience to date) as I am to concede that the entire Burger King menu doesn't taste like rehydrated dog balls. (Its actually closer to lemur taint, but I assume that comparison would be lost on most of you.) If this women gets into power, you will see her try to make the same mistake special needs children make when playing "Risk."

For trying to crash my lonely party of delusional superiority, I shall take you down a peg, pretty face.

What better way to do that, then a little Mexican dancing to what sounds like Dolly Parton.

Never fuck with a bored Libertarian again, Mrs. Palin.

If you laugh at this, you're going to hell.

But, at least I'll see you there.

This Day in History: 1983

Michael Jackson comes home to Neverland Ranch to find Bubbles the Chimp drunk on red wine and fornicating with a throw pillow, leaving Jackson devastated. Early the following morning, Jackson's lawyer (which was actually just a hand puppet Jackson named Mr. Doopsy) served Bubbles with divorce papers, stating irreconcilable differences even though no court of law recognized the union between man and chimp anyway. Bubbles reacted by promptly eating the papers and assaulting Jackson with the resulting fecal matter.

Not too long afterward, Bubbles would be in the news once again, this time for allegedly breaking up the marriage of Madonna and Sean Penn, making it the third time Madonna had been dumped for a chimp.

Your Headlines for October 15, 2008

DoF Newswire

Posted 8:41am CST

Diary of Fools Gains First Iranian Reader

Posted 8:41am CST

Pages Stuck Together on Waiting Room Copy of Suzanne Somers Issue of AARP Magazine 

Posted 8:46am CST

Iranian Stoned to Death for Reading Treasonous Blog