Several days ago, I posted about the (awesome) possibility of the reality TV pre-bowel movement rectal mucus known to the world as Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag (or Speidi, as they're collectively referred to by people who need to be immediately swallowed whole by the earth beneath them) dying of swine flu.
So how are they doing? Let's check in:
Yup.
Still douchebags.
But no signs of swine flu.
Drat.
I wonder what Sir Barkley Snarkington has to say on the matter:
"Psssst… nice surgical masks. You know you're on a fucking deserted beach, right?"
If you really cared about your family, you'd know there's only 1 way to stop would-be intruders in their tracks.
Dolph Lundgren.
And you don't even have to pay Comrade Drago to put the "I will break you" fear into them.
Apparently, just a couple of family portraits with Dolph photoshopped in will do:
Burglars tie up woman - but flee the house when they realise she's married to action hero actor Dolph Lundgren
By Gerard Couzens Last updated at 7:45 AM on 27th April 2009
Armed robbers fled after discovering the home they had broken into belonged to 'tough guy' actor Dolph Lundgren. The masked raiders tied up the star's wife and terrorised her into handing over cash and jewellery by threatening her with knives. But they cut short their raid on the house near Marbella, Spain, after spotting a family photo of the action star and his children in one of the bedrooms.
Luckily for the gang, Lundgren - most famous for playing Russian boxer Ivan Drago in Rocky IV - was out. The 6ft 5in karate black belt, once bodyguard to singer Grace Jones, had to save his strength for consoling wife Anette when she phoned him in tears to tell him what had happened.
Police are still hunting the three attackers. An insider said: 'Things might have turned out very differently if Dolph had been in.
'The criminals fled as soon as they realised the owner of the house they had raided was someone they wouldn't want to come up against in a fight. 'They left Anette pretty traumatized. She's Dolph's angel and anyone who messes with her is messing with him.'
Lundgren, an expert in full contact karate, once injured Sylvester Stallone while filming Rocky IV.
The Hollywood actor was taken to hospital with bruising after being punched in the chest.
The Swede, who turns 52 in November, still has a six-pack from training up to six days a week in his local gym. He recently took part in a six-round exhibition fight against a Russian wrestler and boxer in Moscow.
The father-of-two, who moved to Marbella from London, has starred in more than 40 films since his breakthrough with Rocky IV and was in the frame for last year's I'm a Celebrity....Get Me Out of Here!'
He also has a master's degree in chemical engineering from the University of Sydney and a genius-level IQ of 160.
He has been married to jewellery designer wife Anette Qviberg for the past 15 years. Their sunshine home is a stone's throw from Max Clifford's apartment in hills overlooking the Mediterranean in an exclusive residential area called Nueva Andalucia near Marbella.
Other celebrities with homes in the area - including Simon Cowell, Alan Sugar and Antonio Banderas - are thought to have upped security as a precaution.
A source said: 'Police have got very few leads. All three burglars wore balaclavas and they've no real description to go on. 'They're looking at CCTV footage to see if they can advance the inquiry. Dolph's away on business a lot and he's increased security to try to avoid a repeat.
'Anette has even spoken about leaving the area. But Dolph's persuaded her it's a one-off and they should stay put for now.' - The Daily Mail
Just cut, frame, place on your living room mantle and never lock your doors again. Drago's got this shit.
Look, I'm as jaded as the next hipster atheist fuck, but this video made me a little misty. It's stuff like this that gives me hope that maybe someday we really WILL forget our differences, and celebrate our common ground. Maybe that's naïve, but I don't care. For the next five minutes, you're going to feel the same way.
I know the swine flu has recently killed off 0.00002% of the world's population along with making approximately 0.000025% feel kinda yucky.
Alarming shit, I know.
To think that swine flu is responsible for more deaths than falling coconutsalone (0.0000004%)is quite unnerving. I truly understand your anxiety.
But take a deep breath under that surgical mask, Friend-O. 'cuz like, swine flu can be totally awesome, too. Yup. It's true.
OK, admittedly I've put all my "swine flu is awesome" eggs in the "possible death of Spencer and Heidi" basket. But someone has to have the silver lining, right? And if it doesn't come from the orgy of positivity known as the Diary of Fools, where else is it coming from?
I don't really know who Spencer and Heidi are. I know they're on some Zeus-forsaken MTV pile of shit where vapid stares outnumber interesting bits of dialogue 50 to 1.
They also have very nice teeth.
And according to People.com, there's also a chance that they could get swine flu and die.
Though, my favorite part of this "story" doesn't have anything to do with the swine flu. It's Spencer Pratt's closing quote:
"Since it's a recession, we just might go to Santa Monica Beach [for their honeymoon]."
Yeah, Spence. You, me and that dude with 3 kids and a G.E.D. that just got laid off from the GM plant? We're all in the same boat, brother. Say hi to the guys at the Santa Monica Beach soup kitchen for me.
Each year at around this time, the University of Minnesota hosts its Spring Jam, a three-layered celebration of the rebirth. At the core, there's the contemptuous student body, angry and stressed after a semester of annotated bibliographies, geographic term memorization, and overt repression. (Seriously, dude, we gotta take this to the streets.) This is surrounded by the fleshy innards that is the student psyche: a desire to make an lasting impression in the world but no tools to implement this change (except a binge drinking habit and some matches). To top it off, there is the glaze of the fest aura itself: Drunk kids partying and listening to music outside in the rainy 45-degree weather. Put it all together, you have the makin's of some serious social upheaval...or at least a small bonfire and some tear gas.
Highlights: 1)(0:49 remaining) Either this guy was walking straight towards a gun barrel or he had no idea what he had coming. In any event, it's pretty hilarious.
2)(0:15 remaining) Thoughts from the newsroom editor: "All right, gang. This shot doesn't illustrate the causation of the story as a whole, but we're still going to include it. As a duty to our community, we have to belittle the young-adult populace so as to boost our own importance. Mass Media 101. Any questions?"
3)(0:10 remaining) Same as no. 2, only after Student McTard got done with that display of eloquence, some drunk douche from the background should have started the slow clap. "Beautiful, man. Like, that was right on. So mint."
Last January, Jon decided that as a challenge, he was going to write, record, and film a video for a new song every day. And even though I can't exactly IDENTIFY with that sort of work ethic, I can certainly respect it.
Some songs are inspired by fan requests. Some simply by seemingly-mundane things that happen in his life. Still others find their roots in current events. Take song #109, f'rinstance. While earlier compositions in Johnathan's experiment have titles like, "Penguins Having a Party," and "Wren The Polyamorous Polar Bear And His Story of Redemption," #109 deals with a topic that's come up a lot in the news lately: Waterboarding.
Now, you might think it's more or less impossible to come up with a jaunty little pop ditty about the Bush Administration's favorite torture technique, but you'd be wrong. And, if not dead wrong, at least, "fearing for your life due to severe physical and emotional distress" wrong. But, hey...To give credit where credit is due, Jonathan got a little help with the lyrics. Minus the ad-libs, they're lifted more or less verbatim from the recently-released CIA memo by former Deputy Assistant Attorney General John Yoo entitled: "Torture Memos: Waterboarding." Gotta love how the Bushies are STILL staunchly denying that Waterboarding is torture, yet that's the official title of the motherfucking memo. But, I digress. On with the musical goodness:
Isn't that nice? It takes a virtuoso like Mr. Mann to take something as shameful as Waterboarding, and turn it into something so...well...tolerable. I like it so much, I'm not even gonna give him shit for the air quotes. Fuck, he didn't write the memo.
If you wanna check out more of Jonathon's work, hit him up at RockCookieBottom.com. Tell him The Diary sent you.
El Michel's Affair recently came out with one of the greatest ideas ever created. Take the wonderful library of Wu Tang hits from their vast library of solo projects and collaberative joints and put it together with their relaxed soulful sound. The results is nothing less of brilliant.
El Michel's Affair- Heaven and Hell
El Michel's Affair- C.R.E.A.M.
If you dig it, heres the whole album (free and sexy, because we love you)
Ever since she was a little girl, 40-year old Christine England dreamt of having a Shrek wedding.
Wait.
Shrek came out in 2001.
Let me start that over.
Ever since she was a 32-year old overweight cat hoarder, Christine England often dreamt of having a Shrek wedding to temporarily take her mind of a prematurely arthritic knee and crippling emotional pain.
"I tried to convince my teenage son to dress up as Donkey," said Green, "but he wasn't having any of it."
Huh.
That's weird.
Why wouldn't a teenager want to dress like a donkey to watch his dad paint himself green and walk down the aisle with a Magnum® condom tip on his head?
Oh yeah, that's right.
He was already cloaked in shame.
[Ed. note: I have found very few image searches as comically fulfilling as an "angry teen" image search. Also, thanks to DoF reader J-Mizzle for today's CoS nomination.]
Hello. My name is Eugene Intrigue and I am a new contributor to The Diary of Fools. The ever-gracious Blaine Fridley has asked me to share my thoughts and ramblings, to which I am ever grateful. This christendom brings me great pleasure from not only a cerebral level, but also…
“Zoinks! Like… where is the grub in this creepy habitat, Scoob?”
Umm… I, uh…
Hmm......
Like I was saying, my contributions to a site as stalwart as The Diary of Fools will hope to stand as a testament to the virility of independent thought, as well as…
“Mmuuunnhhh, like this Georgine guy is, like, Hong Kong Phooey, Scoob.”
(eyes pinched)
(staring)
What is this? What are you doing here? This is my exposition into greatness; my sally-forth into stardom. I can’t…… What are you doing here? This is preposterous. You’re Matthew Lillard! Surely you have better things to do than…
“Like, whoa there, man. Like, Scoob and I were looking for a midnight snack.”
What? Scoob and you? You’re not……
(sigh)
You’re an actor! You’re Matthew Lillard, not Shaggy from the Scooby Doo television show!
“Movie.”
Or movie! You have no business interrupting my introductory message to The Diary of Fools! Surely, your career could not have sunken to depths so low that interrupting blog introductions is your only means of exposure! What about Scream or SLC Punk? Or… umm… Thir13en Ghosts? Don’t you get any royalty income from any of those?
“No, I uhh…” (cough) “It’s pretty much dried up. This is what I do now. This is my thing. I’m still riding the SC franchise for all it’s worth and hoping that something pops up. I had a godaddy.com ad I was going to shill after some Scooby Doo shit. Do you mind if I still…”
Ahhh, no, that is not happening. My sincere condolences for the downward trajectory of your sputtering career, Mr. Lillard. Perhaps this snafu will help to find resolve and decency within your being, which will carry you into… umm… greater… oh, for fuck’s sake let’s get on with it.
The Meat
The Minnesota House of Representatives have introduced legislation that would allow non-traditional candidates to become licensed teachers. The goal of this legislation is to increase overall employment by allowing professionals in other fields to become teachers after taking a 5-week course. Upon completion of the course and approval by a resident mentor, the applicant will be presented with a valid teacher license and be certified as a qualified teacher within the state of Minnesota.
Is this a good thing? Hmm… Perhaps it is. Perhaps this will be an outlet which empowers today’s unemployed – today’s rejected masses – to veritably yank themselves via fraying bootstraps back into gainful, employed happiness. Once employed, these purveyors of know-how would have the scratch to make mortgage payments, car payments, McDonald’s payments, etc…, thus thrusting the MN economy out of the red and into surplus horizons.
Or…
Perhaps it’s not such a good thing. Perhaps it’s just the sort of short-sighted solution that has degraded not only Minnesota, but the country as a whole. By allowing non-teachers to become teachers by taking the equivalent of a summer school class, the State of Minnesota is creating a dangerous environment for their youth and drastically hampering their future in a myriad of ways.
Let’s use an illustrative example, shall we? Matthew, are you still here?
“Ahhh… Well, like is this guy talkin’ to me, Scoob? Or is he…”
Damn it, Lillard. You’re not Shaggy. It's been established that you’re not Shaggy. Stop it.
“At godaddy.com, you’ll not only be ensnared by sexual innuendo, you’ll also have the…”
No. No ads, no Shaggy. This is serious. Please.
“Sorry.”
Let’s use Matthew Lillard here for an example as to why it would be dangerous to allow anyone to easily become a teacher. Matthew, how long have you been out of work?
“Well, actually I’m not out of work.I’m playing the role of Lloyd B’Gosh in Osh Kosh B’Gosh: Under the Overall. I did it for free, though, which doesn’t pay any money.”
That’s correct. Working for free yields no money. I imagine that you want money, though, and would do things you wouldn’t normally do to obtain money – such as shamefully plugging d-list websites.
“Yes. Yes, I would. I’d do anything for money. I would become a cooper, swallow swords, teach schoolchildren, steal body organs, fly…”
Aha. Thank you, Matthew. You’ve successfully illustrated my point. There’s beer in the fridge.
There are many, many unemployed citizens in Minnesota. The termination of their employment was likely beyond their control, leaving them in a worrisome and destitute state-of-being. These citizens are looking within their chosen profession for gainful employment. This search is largely fruitless, as jobs within said professions are being obliterated en masse. Soon it becomes apparent that the job search must be stretched to unknown professions, in an attempt to keep the lights on, heat on, mouths fed, and so on.
This is wholly understandable and commendable on many levels. I commend those increasing their knowledge bases and skill sets by re-training themselves to gain employment. What I have trouble supporting is legislation designed to create back doors to fully qualified positions in normally hard-earned, heavily-trained career paths, such as teaching. Not only for the teachers that are actively hunting for jobs, but also for today’s learners suffering from a lack of solid instruction.
A personal concern is that today’s youth is increasingly becoming stupider. What’s more disconcerting is an apparent, underlying trend that stupidity and apathy are fashionable. Hannah Montana does not care about Hundertwasser, thus a majority of children do not care about Hundertwasser. It’s hard to blame the creators of the Hannah Montana marketing machine, as it’s not their job to teach kids about art. It’s their job to make money. So, the onus is then placed on parents and teachers. Parents, by and large, would rather their kids be socially accepted than expound about art nouveau. So, then, it’s left to the teachers. It’s no guarantee that teachers will be able to punch through the Jonas Brother-strength exoskeletons, but I’d place my money on a teacher that’s studied intensively over the course of years, than Joe the Plumber who took a five-week training course for a teaching license, because, hey, it beats working at Taco John’s. The quality of Minnesota’s educators is important. We need more than talking heads in classrooms conducting crowd control and regurgitating state-issued testing material.
Knowing a subject and knowing how to effectively impart the intricacies of the subject are two different things. The notion of various professionals stepping into classrooms and adequately preparing children not only for subsequent grades, but life and the workplace is naïve. At most, these “teachers” will be able to teach the material that’s featured on standardized tests, so that the school district’s scores are up and monetary funding maintained. Meanwhile, children languish and look to other avenues (read: Hannah Montana) for life’s lessons. It takes a certain breed of educator to be able to step into a classroom and grab the rudder - steering pupils in a direction of knowledge, maturity and personal guidance. This breed of educator is not born overnight (or over 25 days) but rather forged through years of intensive study, classroom exposure and time logged in underground Muay Thai kickboxing dojos. Citizens from other areas of professionalism cannot, mentally or physically, learn classroom dynamics and bone-crunching arm bars in five weeks. It can’t be done.
As a whole, teachers across Minnesota are speaking out against this legislation. Cutbacks and lack of job availability has affected all areas of employment and educators are no exception. For years, the job market has been flooded with qualified teachers looking for their chance to get in the classroom and use the training they’ve acquired through years of study. To flood the market even further by allowing anyone to become a certified teacher after 5 weeks is not only inane, but fucking stupid.
There’s the nutshell. This whole thing is fucking stupid.
As MGMT eloquently stated, “This is a call to arms to live and love and sleep together… The youth are starting to change. Are you starting to change? Are you?” This means that you should value education, love today’s youth and… umm… sleep with strangers.I think that’s what that means. Yes, I’m certain now. You’re supposed to fuck strangers and whilst fucking tell them about this god-awful piece of legislation and have them contact their legislators. Tell them that we want quality teachers in Minnesota schools.
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Several days ago, I posted about the (awesome) possibility of the reality TV pre-bowel movement rectal mucus known to the world as Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag (or Speidi, as they're collectively referred to by people who need to be immediately swallowed whole by the earth beneath them) dying of swine flu. 
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