So, I read THIS on CNN this morning:'Fast & Furious' shatters box office records
In the first truly shocking box office result of the year, "Fast & Furious" sped away from expectations to gross a humongous $72.5 million, according to early estimates from Media by Numbers.That result is effectively double what most industry observers had predicted for the debut of the fourth feature in Vin Diesel's car franchise, and it left in the dust a number of notable records:
- Best April opening ever, beating "Anger Management's" $42.2 million.
- Best Universal Pictures opening ever (three-day), beating "The Lost World: Jurassic Park's" $72.1 million.
- Best F&F franchise opening ever, beating "2 Fast 2 Furious'" $50.5 million.
- Best opening yet in 2009, easily beating the bows of the more-buzzed-about "Monsters vs. Aliens" ($59.3 million) and "Watchmen" ($55.2 million).
- Best opening ever for stars Diesel, Paul Walker, Michelle Rodriguez, and Jordana Brewster, as well as for director Justin Lin.
Oh, and let's not forget that it was the best opening ever for a car-themed movie! (Beating "Cars'" $60.1 million.) This outcome is impressive, indeed, something that has caught Hollywood by surprise and has the potential to really change things up -- like when summer-esque blockbusters are released (rarely does one open so early in the year) and like, you know, what everyone thinks of Vin Diesel.
You guys obviously don't get it yet. See, if you see shit movies, shit movies make money. And if shit movies make money, the anus of the giant Hollywood machine keeps pumping them out like so much chocolate soft-serve.
We had almost gotten rid of Vin Diesel, people. We were THIS FUCKING CLOSE to consigning him to video game voice-over hell. Up until last week, the best he could hope for would be an offer to play the lead in "The Chris Daughtry Story," but no.
Apparently, NOT Vin Diesel. I'm as shocked as you are.You all had to elevate the "star" of such hair-pullingly, teeth-gnashingly awful fare as "Chronicles of Riddick" and "The Pacifier," to the status of someone capable of opening an April movie that beat Pixar, Jack Nicholson, and "Watchmen." After taking a pass on the last two ("2 Fast 2 Furious," and um..."Japanese Smudge," or some shit), his career was so obviously in the toilet that he came crawling back to do ONE MORE of those asinine goddamn car-tweaker movies in a move so transparently desperate as to be openly mockable. And instead of being all, "Whatever, 'Transporter' dude," you fucking sheep swallowed it up like it was candy-coated crack. You FOOLS. Do you have any idea what you've DONE?!? Even Steve motherfucking GUTTENBERG had enough options and enough pride to turn down "Police Academy 18: We Give Up," and he's been living on Top Ramen and gutter runoff since Clinton's first term. But, no. You just couldn't let it go.
"I'm dead inside."CNN again:
Overall, the box office was up a monstrous 68 percent from the same time frame a year ago, when holdover "21" outplayed a number of weak new movies, none of which had Vin Diesel ... whom you're going to start hearing a lot about, once again.
Oh, that is IT, America. You and me? We are fucking DONE professionally.
Come to think of it, Vin Diesel has done exactly ONE THING in his career that didn't make me cry hot tears of shame. And that it because it made me cry hot tears for other reasons:
"I am NOT a gun."Yeah, I'm man enough to admit it. Makes me weep openly every single time like a Girl Scout who came in dead last in the cookie contest, and I'm not ashamed in the slightest. Shit, I'm getting misty just thinking about it. And if it doesn't have the same effect on you, you don't have a soul, and you can just delete yourself from my buddy list forever. I'm perfectly serious about that.
Posts
8 comments:
I hear ya. I guess it's equal parts both for me. I mean, if I'm being fair, Vin Diesel isn't the WORST actor in Hollywood...That would be Keanu Reeves.
It's just that he was very famously all but yanked from his job as a bouncer to be in movies...and I've always felt like he's about as good as ANY random beef-brained twat would be under similar circumstances. You could pull most ANY door-dick off of velvet-rope duty at any club in the country, throw 'em in a movie, and it'd be roughly the same thing.
i saw it. i admit it. but i was dragged to it, didn't enjoy it, and spent a good portion of the movie with my eyes fixed on the ceiling. it was bad.
i have to agree though, vin diesel isn't that bad. i actually began an argument this weekend about how vin diesel hadn't been in many movies i liked but realized i was wrong and actually liked the fast and the furious, pitch black, triple x, a man apart, knockaround guys, saving private ryan and of course, boiler room.
at the very least, he hasnt made nearly as many bad movies as nicholas cage.
Fliff you, America. Fliff You.
I stand corrected. I forgot he was in "Saving Private Ryan," and you're right, he was good in that.
Point Marshall.
Whaddya mean! There were cars in the Godfather trilogy!
And also in Scarface- cool caddys with fins.
Those were good movies about cars. And mobsters.
I'm sad Bow Wow and the retarded kid from Friday Light Nights (the movie) aren't in this rendition. Well I suppose they could be, and i'd never know.
I'm just pissed that they didn't name it Three Fast, Three Furious like I always assumed they would. Oh wait, this would be the fourth movie.
4 The Fast and 4 The Furious works for me.
Also Merton, Keanu isn't that bad... provided he has a role that plays up to the strengths (for lack of a better word) of his empty husk personality.
Bill & Ted = Good
A Scanner Darkly = Amazing
Dracula or Shakespeare = Embarrassing
Post a Comment