Reno's guide to unemployment.

By Reno Gruber, Working hard for little money. (You fuckers.)

About 5 months back, your attractive writer was ceremoniously fired from his job as a Debt Management Something-or-other for what was deemed as improper email conduct. Of course, for many of our recently unemployed readers, we know that as "company too cheap to pay unemployment, so they fire you instead of laying you off." For me it was also "Gets $8,000 bonus in 6 weeks, so fire him now so he can't collect." Life can have its awesome moments, sure.

My point isn't to wax-poetic about today's shabby treatment of employees in the face of economic ruin, or even how much life isn't fair. Because if you were seriously being informed of that for the first time by a post-a-day blog, then you my friend are a fucker. That and those kind of posts are always pretty fucking whiny.

No, I am merely here to be your guide on what to do with your day so it's a smooth transition to the other soul-shitting place of agreed slavery to the banking/debt system of modern "free markets." (Reno note: almost went off on a Libertarian rant, sorry about that. Will try to stop that from happening.)

1.) Wake up no earlier that 11am. Remember all that precious sleep you killed waking up at 7:30 to go sit under fluorescent heat lamps in cubicle hell? Yah, well you can revive that killed sleep by sleeping in way past the normal standards of working adults.

Bonus tip: See if you can't set an alarm for a reasonable time, then completely ignore it 3 to 7 times. It also creates wonderful sleeping habits.

2.) Post your non-updated resume on monster.com, wait for spam mail. Nothing says "zero income" like the shit palace known as monster.com. Once you post your barely legible resume, you will then be inundated with job offers that ask you to pay up front to do market research, or other non-essential goods. It's always a good sign of validity if a company posts the job posting as confidential.

Bonus tip: Wait until your unemployment runs out before you even once seriously look for a job. If you were denied unemployment, see if you can't wait a few months anyhow.

3.) Read as many subversive articles on 2012 as possible. Nothing goes better with the unemployed doldrums better than conspiracy theory. What better way to justify not looking for employment with the irrational idea that we'll all be dead in a few years anyway?

Bonus tip: Watch History Channel non-stop. If you still think we'll be here in 4 years than watch more. You may stop when you're convinced God is going to come back to Earth and flick you down to hell.

4.) Never Exercise. Ever. They say that action is the spark that lights the fire of success. OK, I just made that up, but it sounds like something you'd see on a 'Successories' poster. Maybe with a picture of a guy on fire or something. Anyway, don't do that. See, it's best just to wallow in your own filth for a few months to let the embarrassment settle in. Once you feel it's found a home deep within your loins, try over-eating.

Bonus tip: You're not going anywhere today, why shower? No no. You don't need pants either.

5.) Networking? More like cable TV'ing. Over your years of strenuous work you no doubt met many contacts you could use to find yourself a job, maybe even doing better work. Remember that using them is a huge burden to them, and they really don't have any time to help you now. It's best just to watch more History Channel at this point. Usually after 10pm.

Bonus tip: If they seek you out, remember to go against all urges to accept their help. They just want to extract time and money from you.

6.) Get on Linkedin. Everyone is on there and it just helps so so much. I think in the history of that site, three people have actually used it to cultivate a job. That means you're bound to be the 4th. Just sit back and wait.

Bonus tip: Be sure to ignore all the initiations other send. You never know what they want to do to you behind closed doors. Probably something sexual or perverse.

7.) Be sure to leave open hints for people to continually ask "how you're doing?".

When you actually are tricked into leaving your parents' house, be sure to look sad and act like a shell of your former self. This will prompt people to irrationally worry about your well-being and then bring up the always enjoyable discussion of your current situation. Because if you know anything, it's that talking about how shitty you're doing always makes everything OK.

Bonus tip: Be sure to throw in a few suicide jokes in there, just to see if they're paying attention.

8.) Masturbate. A lot. This one is pretty self-explanatory.

Bonus tip: Try using ex-lovers. Nothing soothes the soul like pleasuring yourself to people who formally let you know they have no interest in actually obtaining seminal fluids from you.

9.) Play the Lottery and visit the casino at least bi-weekly. Talk about a down payment on your future. Its mathematically proven you CAN win at both. Sure the odds are stacked against you, but shit, what isn't at this point? Every Wednesday and Saturday another opportunity to solve all your problems presents itself. You'd be foolish not to spend your last saved dollars on such a wise investment.

Bonus tip: Also start investing in the stock market. Everything seems to be going up and up there right now. Easy money, people.

10.) Blame others. This is the most important step. Really should probably be number one. See, it's not your fault. It never is. So why not start sanding down a healthy chip on your shoulder by blaming a faceless sea of people "above" you. It's the governments fault (obviously). It's your employer's fault (duh). It rarely has anything to do with the substandard work you do.

Bonus tip: Shelter yourself from the outside world. Mask the daylight with a dark comforter over the window and wait for the inevitable changeover to social vampire.

Follow these quick tips and your dream job will literally fall into your sweaty, unshowered lap. Just be sure to quickly turn it down. A better dream job will present itself much later on.