TLC: Programming Gold

Part 1: "18 Kids and Counting", The Duggars Get Their Freak On.

This may come as a shock to some people, but I’m not what one would call “maternal”. I don’t really see the lure; I must admit that sometimes I entertain the thought of possibly liking children, but today I’m sort of thinking that they’re just festering vessels of disease threatening the world with a pandemic of H1N1, swine children. Which is why the programming on TLC is so GD interesting to me; in case you haven’t noticed, every show on TLC has to do with babies, kids, children, los ninos, whatever they’re called. And they all have to deal with a shit load of kids such as “Jon & Kate plus 8” “18 Kids and Counting” “Table for 12” “Kids by the Dozen” and/or/including the incredulous “I didn’t Know I was Pregnant” (yes that is an actual show) “Toddlers & Tiaras”. TLC has got the baby fever and it makes for some programming gold.

I could probably go on forever with each of these shows. “Jon & Kate plus 8” is a video reminder for why I should never get married or have kids. That whole effing family annoys me and drags my spirits down; those kids never shut the hell up. At the end of each episode I want to kill Kate and give Jon his balls back and tell him to run for the nearest exit, sorry kiddies you’re stuck with that biotch Kate. “Table for 12” and “Kids by the Dozen” are just eh whatever. But the real gold lies in “18 Kids and Counting” (my vag just aches writing that shit) and “I didn’t Know I was Pregnant”; “Toddlers & Tiaras” is always fascinating but I had to stop watching because my three sizes too small heart doesn’t agree with that shit, those poor kids (is that maternal?).

For those of you who don’t know who the Duggar family of “18 Kids and Counting” are, let me fill you in real quick. The Duggars are a conservative Baptist family based out of Arkansas. After suffering a miscarriage early in their marriage, the parents Michelle and Jim-Bob (a name you’d only find in America) felt it was due to their use of contraceptives and decided that from then on they would let God decide how many kids they should have. Well, it looks as though God decided to fuck them, because God said 18, for now (I think I only counted 14 in that lovely picture to the left). For the past 20 years, Michelle Duggar has gotten preggo and given birth every year and a half. Which explains the cuckoo look in her eyes and her weird ass chipper voice, how long has it been since she’s had a drink?

The Duggar’s eldest child, Joshua 21, got married last September and his wife, Anna, is already pregnant. As part of their strict conservative Baptist faith, the Duggar’s practice “courtship” rather than dating. Long story short, the Duggar children are only allowed to hold hands with their “date” and are to save their first kiss until their wedding. Wherever they go with their “date” is chaperoned by someone else to make sure nothing questionable happens. On last week’s episode, Josh and his wife took us all along to their first ob-gyn visit, the very same OB doctor Michelle Duggar uses (gross). This disappoints me immensely, but I was unable to find a clip of this hysterical moment. Let me explain what happens, although it will not nearly do this justice.

Josh and Anna are were describing Anna’s morning sickness and her inability to swallow pills and inquired about chewable prenatal vitamins. If you are anywhere near as perverted as I am you’ll have already guessed where this is going. Well, Josh then commented on how Anna can normally swallow and says “She’s like the master of swallowing” then smiles at the camera. Um, excuse me? After I finished pissing my pants from laughing and rewinding the DVR several times I barfed and then cried a little on the inside. I then wondered, if she’s so good at swallowing, how is Anna already preggo so soon into their marriage?

The Duggar children may not kiss before marriage but they sure as shit don’t keep things kosher after they say “I do”. I always imagined that sex with a Duggar would be done through a hole in the sheet, all gross and shit. Turns out, I’m wrong. They get it on, hardcore. My guess is that since they couldn’t kiss before tying the knot, after they do they are super duper freaks. On a side note, I really hope that my mom didn’t read any of this.