50 Reasons Why Canada Can Pretty Much Go Fuck Itself, Three's a Crowd

Wednesday, Oct. 29th: Three's a Crowd: #29-#20
By Merton Sussex, Resident Crabby-Pants

Much like the rash you got after you rumptied with a stripper in the bathroom that time, you had to know this was coming. And in both cases, chances are you probably did something to deserve it. However, you can't make this blog go away with penicillin. Trust me, I've tried.

29) Jim Carrey. Hey, asshole. I know you've got a hard-on for credibility these days, but in case you haven't noticed in your ivory tower? Things are kind of shitty out here right now. So could you shove "The Number 23," "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," "Man On the Moon" and "The Majestic" up your ass, and maybe try making us laugh again? Oh, you say you've got a movie coming out in December where you play a guy who decides to say "yes" to everything? Great! I'm sure that'll be totally different from the movie where the guy you played couldn't lie! Y'know what? How 'bout you go fuck yourself. Or go fuck Jenny McCarthy, I guess...which is an entirely separate reason to hate you lately.

28) The Toronto Blue Jays. The fact that they suck more wind than a Weather Channel reporter doing a location shot from a hurricane notwithstanding...Having a major-league baseball team in Canada makes about as much sense as having an NHL team in Mexico. Imagine: "¡Atención Mujeres y Hombres...Por favor, bienvenida el jugadores del principio para su GUADALAJARA CONQUISTADORES!" Yeah...somehow I'm not seeing it, either.

27) Nickelback. If I have to explain why, you don't deserve to know. Suffice it to say that when I'm President, Chad Kroeger is getting dragged into the street, and shot twice in the face for crimes against pop culture. In fact, that's one of the biggest tentpoles of my whole platform. Tell me I wouldn't win in a fucking landslide. If you can look at that picture and not want to punch him...HARD...Then I'll give you all of my lunch money for the week.

26) The Canadian Radio-Television and Communications Commission. Canada's answer to the FCC. And, while the FCC can pretty much suck a huge bucket of amputated livestock dicks marinated in hobo urine, the CRTC may actually be worse. The CRTC monitors all broadcast airwaves, ensuring that at least 60% of everything aired between 6 am and midnight is "cancon"...or, "entertainment" produced in Canada. They've even placed an embargo on foreign TV and live radio content on the internet, so that nobody in Canada can get streaming programming from the networks or radio stations. Maybe they're afraid they'll catch something good, and realize just how shitty what they're being force-fed really is. So that means a whole lot of Sarah McLachlan, Three Days Grace and Avril Lavigne on the radio, and just as much "Degrassi Junior High" and "You Can't Do That On Television"...on television. I'd list more Canadian television shows, but I've never heard of any others. So you can well imagine how good they must be.

25) The Blackberry. Every self-important douchebag yuppie everywhere loves his Blackberry more than he loves his own children. And they yap away on them, and send e-mail and shit like they and they alone are solely responsible for controlling the satellites that maintain world levels of kittens, candy, and sunshine. What does this have to do with anything? The Blackberry is a product of Research in Motion...A Canadian company. So now you know who to blame the next time that rectum-blister on the bus with the "smart" phone glued to his temple can't shut up about his fucking kid's soccer game. You're welcome.

24) Eugene Levy. 'Gene got his start on the aforementioned across-the-board awful SCTV. These days, he's best known as the only original cast member to appear in all 36 direct-to-DVD "American Pie" sequels. Open letter to Eugene: YOU CAN SAY "NO" TO BAD SCRIPTS. Not sure you're aware of that. I'm guessing no.

23) Canada is the second-largest country in the world in terms of landmass, but only 36th in population. Kinda reminds me of this flash drive I ordered from Amazon once. It's the size of a piece of Trident, but it came in a box they could've used to ship a '79 Buick Skylark. I'm sure we've got some garbage, homeless people or nuclear waste or something we can store there if you guys aren't using the space.

22) The Canadian Seal Hunt. Every year, the Canadian government sponsors a national commercial seal hunt, reportedly for the purposes of population control and pelt-harvesting. Well, to be fair...it's not so much a "hunt" like normal people think of hunting. One where you're all but required to buy special clothes, specific equipment, then employ something resembling stealth in order to bag a wily prey with a modicum of survival instinct. Not really. It's more like an organized clobber. Whereas in America, there's an entire cottage industry surrounding the sale of accouterments like tree stands, salt licks, game calls, doe pee and motion-activated cameras (and believe me, I know whereof I speak, there), in Canada, all you need to be a "hunter" is a Louisville Slugger, a good pair of waterproof boots and no inkling whatsoever of the concept of shame. Look, I'm never going to bag on hunters. Game-stalking may not be my personal cup of meat, but at least when someone's shooting a deer there's an element of skill involved. Deer can hear better than you, smell you coming, and they're fucking fast. Seal hunters just have to be able to walk a smidge more briskly than a harp seal can waddle, and then have sufficient aim to land their shillelaghs in the general neighborhood of their cuddly li'l skulls. Shooting fish in a barrel is actually decidedly harder. And fish are ugly. Seals look like puppies with swim fins on, for chrissakes. I just can't help but think any latter-day barbarian who can stare directly into the big, soulful brown eyes of a fluffy, snow-white Bichon Frise who looks like he's all set for his big day at the pool, and then feel perfectly okay about taking a giant stick and smacking it in the dome so hard that its brain squirts forcibly out of its ears on both sides has GOT to be a pretty fucking horrible person deep down in the secret place where he lives. I actually thought about throwing a link to some hunt footage in here, but even I have my fucking limits. Do yourself a favor and DON'T GOOGLE THIS. PeTA may be bunch of ultra-radical crybaby zealot extremists, but you know what they say about stopped clocks.

21) Mounties. Most cops are like Batman: their costume is designed to be instantly-recognizable, strike fear into the hearts of criminals, and include a belt loaded up with shit designed to take you down and keep you there. The esteemed officers of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have a uniform designed to stop you, too, but theirs does so mostly through laughter-induced hemorrhaging. That's why their jackets are red...So that when they haul you in, they don't stain the outfit with your chuckle-blood. And before you ask, yes. He really is wearing jodhpurs un-ironically. The Mounties have been around since 1873, when Queen Victoria created the organization for the purpose of bringing law and order to the Northwest Territories. Their first order of business? Cracking down on loose-cannon American whiskey runners. So they've pretty much been a bunch of finger-wagging kill-joy buzz-murderers from day numero uno. [Feel free to insert your own lazy Dudley Do-Right reference here. I'm fucking tired.]

20) Canada is really fucking cold. And for the sake of a little perspective, I live in Minnesota.

Are we having fun yet? Here's to hoping so. You get number four tomorrow whether you want it or not, and then it's onto the big Friday finish.

If you can't feel the excitement, then maybe you can smell it. I think you can still pick up a faint trace of it on my finger if you come over here.