by Blaine Fridley, Editor-in-Chief/Unlicensed Pediatrist
You know that thing people call "country music" these days?
It's not breaking news to say it has actually no connection to country music. "Contemporary country music fan," as we all know, is actually just a euphemism for "honky poopstain." It also means you lack taste and the 25 IQ points it would take to put you on the same intellectual footing as pudding. Explained further, the target market for this consists of 100% contemporary country music fans.
Brad Paisley? Ugh. Please don't insult pudding's intelligence.
As you may unfortunately know, there's a whole cable network dedicated to this, um, "musical" category - CMT. Every year, the CMT execs (or "mistakes" as God likes to call them) even hold an award ceremony to honor the Toby Keiths of the world for their (whatever the polar opposite of contribution is) to the music world - the CMT Music Awards.
Just think "MTV Music Awards", only worse.
Wait.
On second thought, don't.
I just did and I died a little inside.
Anyway, it's a horrible fucking ordeal that results in shit like this:
Hint: You can tell it's "country" because someone is pretending to play a fiddle in the background.
Actually, there's nothing countrified about this. AT ALL. In fact, Taylor Swift's appearance turns an undeniable 80s anthem into a terribly awkward karaoke performance with old balls Joe Elliot singing about wanting a girl to put it on him while a 19 year old girl sings along and attempts (and fails like only a spazzy teenager can) to "dance sexy."
I am reminded immediately of this:
True, Joe Elliot and Taylor Swift aren't related… (Softball lobbed into wheelhouse)… but it's not like that would matter to the CMT audience. (WHAMMY!)
In closing, I'd just like to ask the corpse of Johnny Cash what, exactly, is it going to take to get you to come back from the grave and shoot them all… just to watch them die?
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