Tuesday, Oct. 28th: Part Deux: #39-#30
By Merton Sussex, Court-Appointed Offender
Hooray! Just like Tabasco sauce, I'm coming back at'cha with the number two.
Our first installment of this series, posted yesterday, has already generated some controversy! Some scrotum-sniffing bum-wipe without the balls to leave a name decided to leave us some love in the comments. His take on the whole idea of Canada as a nation engaging in a nigh-impossible act of self-copulation read, in part:
"I was under the (mistaken) impression that you weren't one of those stupid Americans -- you know, that horde of morons who can't find their own country on a world map, who aren't the least bit informed on anything that goes on beyond their borders? So much for that.
I suppose the very existence of another country (where people have a different culture, speak a different language, do things differently) is highly disturbing to a cretin such as yourself.
Naturally, if you don't understand something, it must be crap and you must make fun of it.
Your ridiculous rant, by showcasing a pitiful ignorance of the facts, reinforces the stereotype that many Americans aren't educated, open-minded, friendly, curious, aware, or otherwise knowledgeable on anything save perhaps Wrestling and NASCAR."
So...You choose to demonstrate your anger towards my perpetuation of an egregious national stereotype with...The perpetuation of an egregious national stereotype? Nice shootin', cum-wad. I suppose it's perfectly fine when YOU do it. Thing is, I'm guessing you MEAN it. Whereas, if you'd bothered to read past the end of your pinched, bony little nose, you might have grasped the overall thrust of the concept a little better. Y'see, this is a SATIRE PIECE, tool. Or, as our good friend Askov Finlayson put it: "Way to demonstrate that Alanis Morrissette isn't the only Canuck without the faintest grasp of what 'irony' actually means." In any case, thanks for forcing me to shatter the whole conceit of the joke by making me take you tenderly by your soft, pink little hand and explain the basis of the humor to your oblivious, brain-dead ass.
Oh, and for what it's worth: Fuck you. NASCAR sucks. If I wanted to watch a bunch of rednecks go around in circles for a few hours, I'd tune into the C-SPAN satellite feed from the floor of the Alabama State House.
Gee, I wonder. Will today's installment stir up any additional shit-flakes from the bottom of the bowl? Only one way to find out:
39) SCTV. Saturday Night Live is funny sometimes. MAD TV is never funny. SCTV was not only not funny, every time it aired, it created a humor DEFICIT that actually reduced world laughter supplies by a measurable percentage. Plus: Rick Moranis. Yeah, I know. That's why I said it.38) Canadian strip clubs let you feel up the dancers. This was actually decided by the motherfucking Canadian Supreme Court. Really. Shit, our Supreme Court would NEVER go on record as supporting something that awesome. Well, okay...MAYBE Clarence Thomas might. But somehow, I can't see Ruth Bader Ginsburg spending too much time carefully crafting a concurring opinion on the matter. In any case, up to this point in the list, we've already established that in certain parts of Canada, it's conceivable that you could have a joint hanging out of your mouth, a table in front of you full of Timbits and Poutine, and then while reveling in your baked, munchie-placated bliss, get away with fondling the tits on the stripper. And we're only on number 38. We're barely into day 2, and even so...anyone who still wonders why Canada can pretty much go fuck itself is probably too stupid to turn on a computer anyway. And yet, there are still 37 more to go.
37) Canadian Whiskey. Okay, so maybe the pot, donut-hole and nipple-filled paradise I described above wouldn't be PERFECT. Because chances are, the bar would still be serving up this revolting swill. My grandpa used to drink Crown Royal. Used to say it would "put hair on your chest." After trying it myself, I can verify that Crown Royal would also put hair on a garage door. It tastes like lukewarm Clydesdale piss that's been squeezed through a dirty sweat sock, then left in the sun for a week. And that's supposedly "the good stuff." Besides, most Canadian Whiskeys are blended, meaning you never know what's actually IN there. Could be peat moss, could be cigar ash...Could be the sludge some barkeep poured out of the rubber drain mat at the end of the night. They're not telling. So you shouldn't be drinking.36) Quebecois Secessionists. No, you CAN'T have your own country, you stuck up, fromage-eating dicks. Put on your big-girl panties and close your baguette-holes, or man up and move to Marseilles.
35) Mike Myers. If you looked up "diminishing returns" in the dictionary, this picture of his doughy, smirking face would be riiiiight next to it. Wayne's World? Really funny. The first Austin Powers movie? Pretty funny. Every other Austin Powers Movie? Not funny. The Cat in the Hat? The exact OPPOSITE of funny. The Love Guru? Even the goddamn TRAILER was cringe-inducingly horrible. In fact, the cumulative force of the audience's collective wincing come opening night was so substantial, it actually jerked the globe far enough out of rotation that we lost four-and-a-half seconds off of the lunar calendar for the year. At this rate, his next project will be such a black hole of unfunny that it will literally suck the jokes right off of the screens of the other movies at the multiplex AS THEY'RE PLAYING. Plus, the rumor mills are full of stories about how much of an absolute bastard he is to work with. So at least he's got that going for him.34) "Aboot." Ha ha ha ha! Look, I know Americans hardly speak standard English most of the time, but what the hell? Who STARTED that? You're kidding, right? C'mon. Really?
33) Maple Syrup. It's fine. There's nothing wrong with it. It's nice with pancakes. None of this explains why Canadians are so gay for the stuff. If Canada ever had to impose sanctions on another country, this is pretty much all they'd be able to threaten to withhold. And the upshot of that would be that people would either start buying it from Vermont, settle for the twin terrors of Mrs. Butterworth and Aunt Jemima, or forgo sugary amber goop altogether, shrug, and reach for the Smucker's. Not a lot of leverage, there. And speaking of Canadian breakfast foods...32) Canadian Bacon. Fuck you. That shit's not bacon. BACON is bacon, and it is the king of meats. Anyway, everybody else just calls it "ham." So get over yourselves. Prosciutto is less pretentious.
31) Labatt's Blue. Ever drink it? Okay, fine. Ever drink it AGAIN? That's what I thought. This miserable excuse for beer is so exquisitely shitty that the girls at my college wouldn't even touch it. After they were already drunk. And it was the only thing left.30) Universal Health Care. In Canada, everything from wart removal to a heart transplant is free. You just go to the clinic or hospital and get it. There is no bill, and no insurance company to fucking deal with. The government feels that health care is a right, and not a privilege. So, why isn't it like that here? Why is the US still the only industrialized country without nationalized health care? Simple. Despite the fact that it works just fine everywhere else, the Republicans would have us believe that this is an impossible system to implement, doesn't work, and removes personal choice. This is because the GOP's mouth is firmly attached to the collective penis of America's insurance companies like a lamprey on a trout, and the lobbyists make sure it stays there due to the billions the industry stands to lose if it doesn't. Sure, maybe the Canadian system isn't perfect, but ask any Canadian if they'd trade THEIR health care system for ours. Don't worry...when they hyperventilate and pass out from the uncontrollable laughter, you can take them to the hospital without having to look inside their wallet first.
Stay tuned for tomorrow's installment. Who knows what might happen? Hey, if "Mr. Anonymous" tells five friends, and THEY tell five friends, and then THEY each tell five friends, we could have the entire population of "America's Hat*" in the comments threads by Friday, all firmly but politely telling us what unbelievable dicks we are! At least, I HOPE we do.
Ah, who am I kidding? I'm sure he doesn't have any friends.
*Translation for our sure-to-soon-be-booming Canadian readership: "Tuque d'Etats Unis."
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