All major networks to completely phase out original programming by 2010
Diary of Fools News Service
Hollywood, CA-
With remakes of Knight Rider and American Gladiators already on the air and enjoying strong viewership, TV executives from all 4 major networks (CBS, ABC, NBC, FOX) and their mentally retarded cousin (the CW) have announced plans to halt all original programming beginning this fall.
The announcement comes on the heels of a study that shows that after 60+ years of sitting on their asses and mindlessly staring at the television, the majority of Americans will pretty much watch any piece of shit, just as long as they don't have to think about their job or take anything remotely resembling an active interest in their home life or world affairs.
Knight Rider '08- as shitty as it was in 1984.
"I think the success of our very own sitcom Two and a Half Men is proof of this," said a CBS representative recently. "As soon as a Charlie Sheen vehicle hits number 1 in the Nielsen ratings, it's obvious that people just want something to stare at from 7-10 (CST) so they can forget about the bitter cocktail of unrelenting tedium and shattered dreams that has become their lives...plus doing a remake of The Hogan Family saves us a shit ton of money."
Though the major networks will load-up their lineups with remakes of past hits such as NBC's The Cosby Show, starring Cedrick the Entertainer as Dr. Huxtable, it is only one phase in a larger cost-cutting plan.
"Eventually we're going to go with an "all test-pattern, all the time" format," shares Ted Brunson of NBC. "I smell a ratings smash."
Meanwhile, ABC will base its programming around it's newest show Shiny, Pretty Lights next fall. The program will feature 2 hours of shiny, pretty lights set to music.
Posts
7 comments:
NBC plans to do a cross-over simply splicing Law & Order: SVU with 60's and 70's family shows such as Father Knows Best, Family Affair. Cold Case will answer the question "What happened to little Carrie out on the Prairie." Pa Ingalls may have trusted Doc Baker, but I never did!
I've often said to myself (and anyone who can't escape earshot quickly enough) that this constant humpage of the collective corpse of long-dead pop culture relics will bite ALL of us in the ass sooner or later. On tap for the summer: Big screen Adaptations/Remakes/Reboots of "Semi-Pro", "Get Smart" "Speed Racer", and "Sex and the City." Things have gotten so self-referentially Meta that there's a new Hulk movie coming out. No, it's not a sequel to that Eric Bana/Ang Lee piece of shit from just a few years ago...No way. This is a brand NEW hot mess of bad CGI, terrible writing, and even worse acting. Hell, the cherry on the shit sundae is that they're even making a "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2". And no, I'm not making that up. And that's to say nothing of the festival of excrement that is television.
This shit has GOT to STOP. It's gotten so bad that I'm very nearly almost getting close to beginning to think about starting to find my motivation to finish that screenplay this year. Maybe.
It's largely our fault though. Because, no matter how much wind this crap sucks out loud, we keep thumbs-upping it with our entertainment dollars. There never would have been a "Dukes of Hazzard" movie unless the studio execs were at least reasonably sure it would make money. And it did, as they knew it would. And when yo go into something like that knowing it's a goldmine before you even start, what motivation is there to bother making it good? ZERO. So why bother hiring a good director or a good screenwriter? Keep your costs down! Keep fucking the movie-going public until they wise up! Continually water down your offerings, and they'll continue to lower their expectations, and then they'll get dumber, and we can invest even LESS time, effort, and money later! It's a self-fulfilling prophecy! And, ironically, the one movie of the last 10 years that dared point this out, "Idiocracy" was shelved for a YEAR before being released on less screens than your mother's stag film!
Ah, hell. At least Hollywood's perpetual well-returning is giving us another Indiana Jones movie, so I guess it's not ALL bad.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to start that letter-writing campaighn to halt production on "Mamma's House 3: Mercy Me."
Tyler Perry's House of Pain is the number #1 cable sitcom of all time. I don't care if it's competition is Battlestar Gallactica; its a perfect fucking microcosm- the lowest common denominator wins.
the fact is, we hit the high water mark years ago, we're getting much dumber and our programming shows it.
But Arrested Development may get its movie so that would right many wrongs for me.
What induces shuddering dry heaves is me is the knowledge that "Meet the Spartans" grossed over 18 million dollars opening weekend.
This movie, along with Date Movie and Epic Movie, each became profitable in like the first two or three weekends of their feeble existence.
Is the world turning to garbage, of course it is. Is there nothing good left? Of course there is. But you haven't had any of it rammed down your quivering esophagus by the massive Network Conglomerate Hype Machine.
Every day I thank God for Netflix and the Public Library.
Do you know what night Shiny, Pretty Lights will be on? I want to set my DVR.
I heard they are going to join Leave it to Beaver with the National Geographic channel and title it "Weird Foods, Eating Beaver for the First Time"
Coming up next an all new "Ow, My Balls"
Post a Comment