Your Headlines for August 25, 2008

From the DoF Newswire:

8 gold medals later, Phelps swimming in ass and cash

24 year-old phenom has training pool drained, filled with Cristal, ho'z

Local paperboy found dead on Easy Street

Rare, super-isolated tornado to blame

(Above) Paperboy, just moments before being run down by the tornado. Officials investigating the case are convinced that if the tornado didn't get him, the little kid on the Big Wheel "sure as shit would've taken him out anyway."

(Below) Paperboy during happier times. 

Office microwave has magical ability to make anybody's lunch smell like crap

Your Headlines for August 15, 2008: Olympic Edition

From DoF Newswire:

Chinese gymnastics internment camp survivor wins bronze

Fashion judges deduct five-tenths of a point for Nastia Liukin's use of scrunchy

Michael Phelps 12,000 calorie-a-day diet becomes newest U.S. craze

Failure to swim 30 hours a week leads to massive heart failure in thousands of Americans following newest gold medal diet fad

Armchair judge criticizes U.S. balance beam routine; trips, passes out on his way to get another beer