Monday, Oct. 27th: Part 1: #50-#40
By Merton Sussex, Anger Management Consultant
We here at The Diary strive to be atypical when it comes to the material we toss up for your comedy consumption. To that end, we rarely, if ever, bother with stupid lists. Why? Because EVERY FUCKING BLOG ON THE INTERNET IS LOUSY WITH LISTS. "10 Lamest Superheroes." "20 Movies About Robots." "15 Songs About Masturbation." You can't swing a dead cyber-cat without hitting a virtual junk-drawer full of dumb fucking itemized bullet points paired with snarky observations. Christ, those talentless hacks at Cracked.com are getting fat off of nothing BUT lists these days. Lists are lazy, hackneyed, and more common than fucking cold microbes.
So, I thought I'd do one. Why? Two reasons:
One: I like fucking with your expectations.
Two: Because fuck Canada, that's why.
Now, make no mistake. This is not a list of reasons why Canada supposedly "Sucks." On the contrary. This is, simply put, a list of reasons Canada can go fuck itself...Which encompasses a far broader set of criteria. Sure, some of the stuff I'm about to bring up is here because it does sap my will to live, and is Canadian in origin. Other things are here because they're way better than what we've got south of the border, and I'm pissed that Canada has 'em, and I don't. So, it's really equal parts annoyance and envy. So bear that in mind before you get upset and write me hate mail.
In the interest of keeping things moving, there will be a new installment posted every night this week. So, it'll be kinda like one of those old miniseries things your mom used to dampen her drawers over, except with less Richard Chamberlain, and more profanity. Which is a distinct improvement on both fronts.
Got that? Good. All right then. So, here's part one of "Fifty Reasons Why Canada Can Pretty Much Go Fuck Itself":
50) The Juno Awards. Has there ever been anything more insignificant? Let's get something straight: There are only six real awards in the universe: Oscar, Tony, Emmy, Grammy, Nobel, and Pulitzer. Every other award that supposedly exists is just a poor man's version of one of those, given out because someone was pissed they didn't win one of the big ones. The Juno Awards are no different. They were created in the first place because so few Canadian musicians were any good by American standards, and weren't going to be cleaning up at the Grammys anytime soon. Is it hard to win a Juno? Well, there are only, like, 6-7,000 people in Canada at any given time, at least 1,000 of which claim to be "musicians." So, that definitely ups the odds. If you can fart in the general direction of a recording studio, chances are you'll at least get a nomination. Besides, any award Bachman-Turner Overdrive can win is obviously a joke.
49) Legally-enforced bi-lingualism. Canada has two federally-mandated official languages, English and French. Now, while I, unlike many, have nothing against the French, I do find it laughable that there are actually government funds wasted on offices for snooty Quebecois fucks with rulers (metric, of course) who go around to make sure that any sign posted in both English AND French has the French printed at least twice as large. I'm serious. Which leads me to...48) The Metric System. Yes, it makes sense. Yes, it's easy. Yes, the rest of the world uses it. But you can have my gallons, miles and Fahrenheit only when you pry them out of my cold, dead fingers.
47) Loverboy. Yeesh. What an amazing legacy of pure, undistilled rock and roll, huh? These guys oozed Velveeta even when they were popular, which was for all of about two weeks during the fall of 1981. Does anyone, anywhere believe that so much as a single one of these greasy losers was EVER able to enjoy a sustained period of "makin' love to whoever I please"? I'm gonna go ahead and put my chips on "no." Plus, you're fifty and fat, Mike Reno. Take off the red leather pants. Just wait until I leave the room first.
46) Tim Horton's. At last count, the per capita ratio of Tim Horton's locations to actual people in Canada was 1.3:1. Reportedly, this is mostly because they rock (the Horton's, that is...not the people). From what I've heard, Tim Horton's is like Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts all rolled into one, but WAY better than either. So why in the fuck can't we get any HERE? And yeah, I know there are some in Detroit. There's also one in Kandahar, Afghanistan. And no, I'm not making that up. Honestly, I'd feel safer at the one in Afghanistan.45) Vancouver, and their lax pot enforcement. Total disclosure: Your old Uncle Mert has never so much as smoked joint one in his life. Really. Reason being, it's against the law. Yes, I know that's a lame reason. But my dad was a cop for 30 years, and it's in my DNA not to break the law. Shit, I son't even speed or jaywalk. So, I've never smoked pot. But I don't get down on people who do, because I've done the research, and I know the facts. Apparently, so does Vancouver. Vancouver has an extremely unofficial (but nonetheless universally-observed) "do not enforce" policy in place when it comes to the pot laws. In fact, Vancouver mayor Phillip Owens has spoken on record several times as saying marijuana should be decriminalized. According to people I know who have been there, you can walk down the street puffing a spliff, and if you walk by the cops...? They make you put it out. That's it. Really. Relaxed-as-George-Michael's-asshole pot laws is one more thing, like Horton's, that Canada has, and we don't. So, fuck them for being cooler than us on that front.
44) Poutine. One MORE thing that they have, and that I want. For the uninitiated, Poutine is steak fries with gravy and fresh cheese curds. Apparently, you're never more than 50 feet from being able to buy this stuff in any urban center in the entire country. Just look at that fucking picture and tell me you wouldn't eat a gigantic pile of that shit every day and twice on Sundays if given the opportunity. C'mon, as fat as we are in this country, as willing as we are to eat anything that tastes good (especially if it will kill us), we can't get some goddamn Poutine up in this bitch? I cry bullshit. We have the ingredients. So let's get on the ball.
43) Alanis Morrissette. Bitch makes me crazy. Between the hiccup-y falsetto voice-hitching, the fact that every other song she does is about how much she hates anything with a penis, and that she can't write lyrics in the right meter so that every word has the em-PHA-sis on the correct syl-LA-ble, I want to stuff her in a steamer trunk with a rabid wolverine and push her off a pier. Yeah, we know you went to India. A LOT of people go to India. Shit, more than a billion people fucking LIVE in India, so it's not like you're special. Shut the fuck up and put some goddamned clothes on.42) Government System. Lemme get this straight...You're located in North America, you speak French, you're a British parliamentary democracy/constitutional monarchy, and you still want us to believe that you have your own identity? Does the Queen ever even still show UP once in awhile, besides on the money? Oh, that reminds me...
41) Canadian Money. I know it's been worth more than ours lately. I don't care. It still looks like the stuff you'd buy "Marvin's Garden" and "(Hershey) Pennsylvania Railroad" with in "Monopoly: Gay Edition."40) Hockey. It's really the only sport worth watching. It's exciting, fast-paced, and there's always the potential for a fight to break out. Hockey's pretty cool. But it's not a goddamn religion. So maybe you ought to try reading a book once a decade, eh, Pierre?
Okay. That's all you get for now. Want some more? Then come back tomorrow. I'm gonna dole out these here packets dealer-style: A little at a time, and first one, as always, is free.
Ah, who am I kidding? They're ALL free. Don't say we never gave ya nothin'. Now scram.
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