…I look around. Who designed this waiting room? There must be a Waiting Room Décor Magazine and they flipped to the post modern pharmaceutical-esc photo layout and said, “That looks like a nice place to wait.”
I grabbed a Highlights for Children magazine and immediately turned to the Ask Arizona advice column. In this episode, while making a parade float, 
Putting the funny looking gown on was the most challenging task I’ve done all week, despite how simple the instructions were. “It goes on like a jacket; the sheet goes on your lap.” Looking down at it, I’m sure this has been worn 100-200 times before me. Does just washing the gown get all the germs off from the other patients? What about super germs?
…I’m asked to pee in a cup. “That must be way easier for you since you stand to pee,” I tell the assistant. She didn’t think that was funny.
While waiting for the doctor to come in, I wonder if they are watching me on a hidden camera or through a one-way mirror. I would if I were them - just to see what shit I take. In case my suspicions are true, I wave and wink at the ceiling and mirror. They’re probably saying to themselves, “I’ve been caught!” or “this chick is a lunatic!” I’ll do that in public bathrooms as well. I’m sure I’ve been in a stall with a hidden camera at one point in my life. I’ll wave my middle finger in front of the air vent or even the toilet.
My blood pressure was a little on the high end but I explained to the assistant that I was at a doctors office, and “it’s not exactly nap time for me. It should be though, shit.” She left quickly. I neglected to tell her I was also high on acid.
I sit and wait. I know I have a good 15 to 20 minutes before the doctor comes in. I move seats a few times. I open and close drawers. I play with the green and red switches. I steal shit (2 bedpans, a urine cup, a stethoscope, and a pap smear kit). Score! Christmas gifts for everyone this year!
I wave at the mirror once more. I look horrible in pastel colors! And this florescent lighting makes me look like a ghost. I’m starting to look forward to the stir-ups and cold metal prongs!
There’s a knock on the door and before I could say come in, the doctor had come in. We go through the usual. She says something. I say something back. Then the examination begins. “This is going to feel a little cold,” she says. Cue awkwardness. To break the silence, I ask, “Whose idea was it to paint clouds on the light fixture? …They should add a rainbow… just to make it even more gay.” Cue more awkward silence... “Do you validate for parking?” She wrote me my prescription in Chinese and hurried out of the room.
I was a little annoyed that I was just over the free parking time limit. But the stethoscope could get me at least a hundred on eBay, so I got over it. The End.
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5 comments:
freakin' great post. your best one yet in my completely inconsequential opinion.
Dibs on the pap kit.
(For the uninitiated: getting a pap smear is sort of like getting a throat culture, except you don't gag. Well, I mean....you MIGHT gag. If you're, like, really short.)
Did you happen to grab any of the extra durable platex gloves they use to put their hand up . . . well you know
Oh, they're supposed to use gloves?
This was fucking excellent.
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